粉红鼠的世界
Proud mama of 3, the little sweet pea is on her way~
Dr.G和我约定recovery 6 个月后就要回去复查, 只是年底节日太多超忙, 所以从Seoul过完春节回来, 我马上就按事先的约定去见Dr.G. 其实我也超爱跟Dr.G聊天的, 他智慧又幽默又超nice, 从cost & benefit来看, 感觉是我超赚的, 哈哈哈…..
看到我, Dr.G微笑的问“what brings u here today?” “u gave me a coupon, remember? so…..here I am” 我玩笑的回答. 不知道为什么, 在Dr.G的面前, 我马上就会变成小小孩, 感觉很兴奋, 心里好像有很多话要说却不知道从那里开始.
Dr.G像看穿我的心, 就微笑提示“what's goin’ on in your life lately?”我就讲和家人到Bali & BVI渡假的故事. 开始前我拿出iphone问可以录音吗? 因为我要记录所有内容作为将来写autobiography的资料. Dr.G就笑着说 I’ll be famous someday….我也笑着说u already are….
开始了, Dr.G静静的听, 偶尔做note, 我很快就讲完旅行故事, 正犹豫要不要接着讲和Shawn见面的事. Dr.G突然表情平静的问“anything else……..like catchup w/ someone?” whee~! 我真的开始怀疑他有superpower, 竟然都知道我在想什么. 我就会意的笑, 继续讲…...
终于讲完了, Dr.G看着我很温和的笑却没有讲话, 突然, 我就有点小紧张的问“what's on your mind?” 没想到他却道谦说他个人有事要处理, 今天需要提前结束. 接着他跟我约时间, 竟然是2周后, 虽然我很想快点见面却又不能表现很急, 感觉我不成熟…..
从来都没感觉等待Dr.G的那2周竟然是那么的漫长. 终于等到了约定的那天, 我就等不及的开车过去, 到了他的office竟然还早了10mins, 哈哈哈…..
刚坐下, Dr.G就说“今天你有90mins, 30mins补上次….” “cool~! ”我狂喜, 刚想问他对上次故事的看法, 他却问assignment完成怎样? 我说“I wrote everything down and posted online as u instructed…..” “and then?” “and…..it hurts…..”“how come?” 我沉默了1下轻声的说“some people made fun of my story and taunted me…...”没想到Dr.G不安慰却微笑的问“such as?” I blushed, smiled uneasily and murmured “well…...in their eyes, I’m selfish, irresponsible, lazy, greedy, stupid, weak, shameless…....”我还没有说完, Dr.G突然就哈哈的笑起来, 让我很awkward---真的很好笑吗??
Dr.G温和的说“forgive me……I thought u're talkin’ about me…..” what? 我更迷胡了. 他微笑的说“relax…...we’re all born w/ some negative traits and it’s the part of human nature…….tell me, how did u respond to criticism?” “nothing…....but I’ll never go there again…..” “why?” “birds of a feather flock together…..”“huh….that's it?” “that’s it!” “interestin’….”
Dr.G静静的盯着我微笑, 我被看的有点小紧张, 停了1下他又轻轻的追问“really?” 那1瞬间我感觉就像被闪电打到1样, 只好气鼓鼓的低叫着坦白“alright, I was so upset and threw my ipad into swimming pool……...r u happy now?!”
“Beautiful~!” 突然传来Dr.G高兴的声音“that’s exactly what I wanted to hear!” 我就很茫然的望着他, why?why??why??? 因为从小到大我都被教育---if u lose your temper, u r the loser!!
面对我不解的表情, Dr.G微笑解说---让我记录经历是1种therapy. “writing”是把心中的感觉变成文字,把emotional energy从“虚无”变成“真实”的过程, 文字的选择和整合就是整理杂乱思绪把“subconscious”转成“consciousness”, 这个叫“journey of self-discovery”. 就像dam到1定高度就要打开sluice gate放水, “anxiety”代表过高的水压, “writing”代表放水的过程.
打开“sluice gate”放水后, 就可以开始启动更深入的“psychodrama”. 目标是restore emotional resilience to stress. 就好像violin的原理, 弦不紧就不能拉, 如果弦太紧超过本身的压力就会断掉…..
PTSD的人因为经历了traumatic event, brain gets stuck in the trauma and relives it over and over again and then loss the spontaneous recovery of resilience, it’s like an old phonograph album where the needle is stick in a certain groove and can’t stop until someone picks up the needle.
“Psychodrama”是让在化解trauma过程中stuck在某个地方的protagonist, 在1个安全的环境重新演出那些曾经引起强烈情绪反应的情境. 演出时的情绪发泄可以evacuate the residual emotional energy 调整并修正trauma带来的痛苦记忆, 帮助protagonist对难以释放的情绪作重新整合, 达到cognitive processing therapy (CPT)的效果, 最终目标是restore emotional resilience in response to stress, 减轻trauma所带来的心理压力和冲击.
听完后, 我还是很不解的问“why couldn’t I just keep the assignment to myself?” “what triggered your PTSD symptom?” “Casablanca song sent to me from that forum……”突然我就好像有点明白了…..
Dr.G继续解说“Exposure therapy” is a behavioral treatment for PTSD, it targets learned behaviors that people engage in avoidance behavior in response to situations or thoughts and memories that are viewed as frightening or anxiety provoking.
因为PTSD对身体造成的冲击, Protagonist的脑子自动的就把当时发生的traumatic event和内心所产生的恐惧连结起来, 所以就会自动的逃避所有相关的事和人. “Exposure therapy”是要帮助protagonist学习怎样重新面对和traumatic event有关的人, 事, 物和所产生的害怕情绪….
但是在实际治疗中, 还是有许多人hesitant to go through “exposure therapy”, cuz it sounds too scary to confront and reconnect the fears. 所以我的assignment是被投放在1个safe & virtual place (anonymous Chinese online forum and most of my friends don't speak Chinese) At this place, I won’t be judged or shackled by my social network,我可以很轻松的重新经历那些曾经引起强烈情绪的情境, audiences的参于作为simulation of stress tolerance test 测试出我真实或潜在的stress tolerance, 帮助我练习怎样去调整各种不同的情绪, 修正放松技巧, 学习怎样在真实情境里应对相似的压力through this personal journey of self-healing. 目标是在我的recovery period, 让我从心里不再逃避那些曾经引起害怕恐惧和其他情绪的人和事, reduce the fear and anxiety naturally and then move to the next stage completely……
这些therapy还适用全人类, 相比前几代, 现代人因为技术不断发展的生活更stress out, 但是现代教育却要大家成为lady & gentlemen. 虽然privacy issue 改变了现代人的生活方式, 但天生的动物群居本能却不会变. 因为我们喜欢看别人privacy, 所以有了paparazzo, 因为我们喜欢exchange privacy, 所以FB很流行, 因为我们要release the stress and anxiety by chatting or sharing, 所以就有了internet forum & blog.…
没想到Dr.G 的assignment竟然那么有深度, 让我更等不及的问第2个assignment是真的要我生小孩吗? 因为我就是很好奇的人, 什么都要问清楚, 不然心里会很难受. 整理如下:
PTSD is a mental injury not mental illness, it often accompanied by a diminution of physical strength and compromised immune system. I had experienced some typical PTSD symptoms last year, such as nightmares, flashbacks, lost 20+pounds in 1 month, staying asleep, anorexia and physical aches, etc…..
The assignment about having a baby was an attempt to distract my attention from the anxiety and stress and tried to restore my immune system in the shortest possible time...
PTSD的各种symptoms直接影响了体能和ovulatory cycle, 当人脑接收到“要怀孕”的signal, 就会把这个signal传给母体做准备:
1. Stop taking birthcontrol pill: PTSD increases stress & anxiety which affect hormones, hormones affect immune system, birthcontrol pill affects hormones levels
2. Manage health problems: find out how pregnancy may affect and how to avoid illness
3. Family supports and planning: “SEX” could lower the stress and blood pressure, boosts Immunity, oxytocin released during orgasm promotes sleep and boosts endorphins which is body’s painkillers, orgasms boosts levels of the hormone oxytocin which helps the couples bond and build trust etc.
4. 准备受孕过程就是帮我转移注意力, relaxation, 增重, 食欲和睡眠, rebalance hormones, boosts Immunity etc. 最终目标是要降低PTSD对我身体的伤害.
5. "Becoming a mom"对任何1个喜欢小孩的女生都是坚定生命意志的原动力. 因为PTSD如果不小心发展到 delayed onset PTSD 就会有很高的suicide倾向, 所以Dr.G在我的recovery period就预先帮我打好预防针, 以防万1. 因为“pygmalion effect” 对人类的影响是非常大的, 毕竟人类70%的潜能都在沉睡中……
听完后, 我就玩笑的说“我还要完成这个作业吗?” Dr.G微笑的说“我的工作是消除PTSD对你身体的伤害或降到最低的level, 当你的身体状况回复到PTSD之前的level, 就由你和家人决定…..”
我静静的坐着digest info., 突然又想起跟Shawn见面的事, 就问Dr.G的意见, 没想到谈话时间又快到了. 约好下次时间后, Dr.G写了让我去做身体检查的order, 再给了我1堆有关PTSD的医学资料让我学习, 说下次见面要讨论..
PS. 我是边写边贴的, 请多包容错别字.
待续
版权所有,请勿转载,非常感谢！
