欢颜

值完夜班，躺在沙发上，五官很疲劳，大脑却惯性地高速运转，好像F1赛车下了跑道发动机还转动。

站在淋浴下，热水冲洗着被医院空气浸润了一天一夜的皮肤，沾染着死亡，绝望和病痛，需要冲洗很久才能觉得自己年轻健康的肌肤慢慢重新变得红润。

死亡和疾病，是一种能够传染的病毒。插着呼吸管，鼻饲管的病人，不能说话，在看着我的脸的时候，眼角慢慢流出泪水，我握着他的手，他慢慢握紧我的手。手是浮肿的，虚弱的。

洗完澡，坐在书桌前，决定学习。心里焦灼不安，因为PD说，值班后回家应该把值班时候看过病例好好学习一下，因为周围的住院医生在讨论病例时候都能够引经据典，因为主治经常用一两个问题就掂出了实习医生的分量。每次说话，每次查房，好像都是一次次live show，希望impress 每一个人，从医生到护士，从attending到同年的intern。每次别人说出自己不知道的答案，心里就挫败得很。每次说出错误的答案，即使别人不说什么，自己心里也要煎熬半天。

和爸爸妈妈的通话从每天晚上的msn camera改成了一周一次的电话，如果周末值班，那就连一周一次也保证不了。电话里也不敢多说什么，总是怕气馁的语气让他们担心。但是也不想强作欢笑。匆匆地说你们多保重，电话两端都是欲言又止。

打开每天听的台北之音，正好在放这首齐豫的欢颜，不记得自己最后一次展颜欢笑是什么时候了。不知道为什么，眼泪忍不住掉下来，掉在打印的journal上，掉在翻开的哈里森内科学上。

每天早上7点多的时候，ICU窗外的太阳冉冉升起，阳光洒在呼吸机上，监护器上，洒在病人的脸上，洒在一夜无眠的实习医生脸上。

[流水浮萍]

见面怜清瘦，呼儿问苦辛。低徊愧人子，不敢叹风尘。

落花写出了游子的心境。

[wuximm]

Luohao, residency indeed is a very challenging journey both mentally and physically. In addition, ICU is a depressing rotation, you smell sickness and death, palpate pains and sufferings daily. Long working hrs and high stress, it makes you felt as if you are detached from real life, especially you are alone and away from your family. One of our interns I mentioned to you before, has quit in her 3rd intern months. I know another two OB residents (one first yr, the other is a 2nd yr) quit in the last a couple weeks. So, don't feel bad just because you don't satisfy with your performance. As long as you have not failed any rotation, you should be pride of yourself and you are a Surviver! You really need a break and be away from hospital enviroment, planning the upcoming vacation will be fun. Take care.

[远方的河]

这个写得很真实，赞一句。

有人说医生的职业病就是无情，因为生死见得太多了。一个人无论再不可一世，在医生面前，永远是个弱者。

[落花飘零]

谢谢大家的鼓励，昨天值好班心情比较低落，所以发了点牢骚，呵呵，非常感动这里的几位朋友一直以来对我的关心，无言回报，只有更加努力地工作，不让大家失望了。

[盈袖2006]

Hi gal:

I remeber one saying, you don't have to be the best, you just have to do your best.

Forgiving others is not enough, we have to learn to forgive ourselves.

Allow yourself to make a few mistakes , pls don't beat yourself up.

HOpe you get well and cheer up. All the patients need you, a health you:)

I understand your feelings. We want to be excellent but there are just so many people out there who are smarter than us. We feel down when we can't be persons who we want to be. While struggling on this land to prove our abilities, we also lose something we don't want to lose. It is particularly difficult for us due to the problems of language and culture. Sometimes we just have to admit that we are only ordinary persons. We should aim high but not be too critical to ourselves. Try our best but remember there is always something beyond our control.

Keep going and you will be fine. I know it's easy to say so as an outsider. But I have confidence in you.

Take care and wish you all the best.

[纵然平行]

落花飘零: It sounds like that you may be depressed to some extent. Please look bright side, many of your pts in ICU don’t even have a chance to listen to music, feel the sunshine or see changing colors of autumn forage, some of them are fighting the battles of their life each and every day.

When you have a chance you may read a piece (refer the link below) that I wrote about how to cope with depressions, you may try some of the approaches, which might assist you a bit, especially speaking more frequently with your parents and let them know what have been bothering you, I do believe most of our parents understand the situation because they have been here and done that in their life.

Please cheer up.

http://blog.wenxuecity.com/blogview.php?date=200607&postID=19124

[Flowerspirit]

你也一定让很多人减少了痛苦，延长了生命或者重新获得了健康，虽然你与病痛打交道，你的目标是健康！我们毕竟都只是凡人，尽力而为就可以了！治愈或好转出院的病人一定有开心笑容！这时候，你也应该开心呀！

[疾风宝宝]

好像这就是生活，你的心理素质应该不错，如果是我，要整天面对一些痛苦的病人，估计连自己都要崩溃了。

加油 ：）