I WANT TO BE 5

DD visited her wonderful eye doctor yesterday.

During the visit, DD remained silent to all the questions the Doctor asked her, including her age, even the one with a clear hint: “are you one?" All she did was smile. After the visit, I asked her again in the car, she still didn't answer. She always knew that she was 2, but now, I started to wonder if she forgot her age. Kids this age, who knows, especially, with someone who had a brain surgery. Besides, she did forget how to alternate her feet when walking the stairs recently.

But then this morning, I was proved wrong.

While we were driving to her PT, I had a little conversation with her.

“DD, do you know what kind of school you are going to now?"
"Pre School", she said.
"That’s right. After pre-school, you will go to pre-k. And after that, you will go kindergarten, and you will be in the same school with big sister."

Through the mirror, I saw her eyes lit up. She cheered with happiness,
"Yeah! DD has grown up! I am in pre-k le~" (le is an expression word in Chinese)

"Well, not yet. You are a little too young for pre-k, you need to wait until you are 4 to be in pre-k. And besides, pre-k would be in the same school you are in now."

The light in her eyes dimmed. Don't get me wrong, she loves her school, but at this moment, she was just excited about the "change" and something new, and be in the same school with big sister.

To encourage her, I said,
“It’s not going to be long though. Do you know how old you are now?"
"4." she said.
"4?" imagine the surprise on my face!

"Oh no,” I thought, she really forgot her age. But let me do more testing.
“How old is Big Sister?"
"3." The answer came so quickly.
"3?, so Big Sister is 3, and you are 4?"
"yes", a very firm answer, and she was making a "bubble" cheek - I know that look, that “I know it, whatever you say" kind of look on her face.
"Oh my", I said to myself, “what happened, she always knew she is 2 and Big Sister is 5"

Only yesterday, I was relieved from the thoughts of possible recurrence because" her eyes had been hurting". And now, something wrong with her memory? Please, not this soon! As all kinds of worries going through my mind, all of a sudden I had a guess. But I needed a proof, so I asked my last question.

"DD, are you really 4 or do you just want to be 4?"
“Actually, I want to be 5”. (pause) “I am 2". She answered, with a little voice filled with disappointment.

Tears rushed out of my eyes. I wish I wasn't driving, and was not going to be late for her PT appointment. That way I could give her a hug, and tight one.

Not that I was too happy to learn that she didn't forget her age. It just reminded me that moment, in the PICU, about a year ago this time, when we first related the word "cancer" with my sweetest little girl. A very kind nurse came in to try to cheer us up. During the conversation, she showed us the picture of her daughter. "She is 16!" She said with pride, but I, melt down. 16! From 19 month to 16 years, what a long way, would she, my little baby who could not even sit up at the time, ever ever get there.

You would be amazed what time can do. One year later, my little girl is not only able to sit up, but also walking. She is smart, happy, funny and beautiful. Though she can't run and balance like girls of her age, not yet, but hey, you should see her climbing!

It is still a long way from 2 years 9 month to 16 years. but I know, she will get there, and go much much beyond.

With a loud voice, I told her "DD, you WILL be 5. And you will also be 15, 25, 50, maybe even 100!"

Then we cheered together, So Loud. At that time, I am sure I had that “I know it" kind of look on my face.

Wounds in the heart would always be there, but, time does cover it, whenever possible, with sweet moments, like this.

[VeryBerry101]

THANK YOU!

[2yearold]

HUG!!!!!!!!!!!