Say Goodbye to Insomnia and to My “Dad”

  Hi there. My name is Jane Yang. I'm 38 years old. I'm a mother of two kids. They are both boys （12 and 2），handfull and yet wonderful boys. About myself, "Jane" is the English name that I chose for myself, because I like the novel "Jane Eyre《简.爱》". It is the first English novel that I read during high school, and then I listened to the English version of the novel during university while I was trying to fight off my first serious Insomia.

  Oh, yes, Insomnia and me, we are good old friends, very close kind of friends. We met each other during my high school years. Oh no, actually a little bit earlier than that. Let's say……it would have been the last year of my middle school. Yes, that's when we first met. I was under a lot of pressure preparing  for the high school entrance exames. Too much pressure for a sixteen-seventeen year old ordinary student. If I don't do well on that exam, it means I probabaly won't have a bright future. Yes, no joking. As a sixteen years old girl I didn't know the exact meaning of the word" future", but I was almost certain that I wanted to have one, a bright one. I was so afraid and I failed that exam. And I failed again on the college entance exam too 4 years later. Yes, I spent 4 years on what should have been a  3-year high school journey, a long, lonely, miserable and sad journey. I was so afraid that I would not have any future at all. 

  (while I was in the middle of writting this article, my mother-in-law just walked in, and she was here to share with us some very sad news: my father in law just passed away in the early hours of this morning, and the hostpital only called her and not my husband. 2020, a truly hateful year, it took away so many lives , broke so many families, and yet today, it took away my "Dad" too. Yes, I called him "Dad", since the day I married with my husband. He was ill for a while and not because of Covid-19.  But ever since he was in the hospital, they only allowed us to visit him once a day, one person each time only. And the Covid thing didn't help, and because of that, my kids didn't have any chance to visit their gandpa... and now, they never will have that chance again...no chance see him and no chance say goodbye. Maybe no goodbye is better...in that way he will always be with us in our heart, and we don't want say goodbye.……)

  Hmmm…… let's go back to insomnia. Talk about my old friend a little bit more. It normally visits me once a year, but this year, 2020, a special year, a shitty year, a sad year, but I don't want talk about it with a sad tone-with tears is okay. Too many things happening around the world. And my old friend Insomia, has visited me 3 times this year so far, to make sure that I am eating well, sleeping well, and living well.

  With Insomnia going on, I have so much waking time, nothing to do but stay awake. Yes, nothing you can do about it, no pills, no drugs (actually I am almost tempted to try it). Maybe people who also suffered insomia will understand. Drugs, any kind of drugs, drugs to a chinese, to any chinese, it is a big deal, a great and huge deal. Normally I wouldn't want to go near them, do not even want to talk about it, yes, not even with my husband. No way!! As someone like me who has grown up in a traditional Chinese culture, no one would ever want to touch the subject. Yes, it is a culture thing, no guns, no drugs, A big loud "NO" to any of these. But the insomnia pushed me to the edge. I was tempted to try it, but I didn't. I want to make peace with Insomnia, settle with it, at any price that is necessary. Yes, it is that bad. But it has a good side too, I think.

  Insomnia is not only a bad thing when you are almost over with it, and you can try to look into it with a calm and sincere attitude. Insomnia is a battle, but you are not facing an enemy, you are facing a friend, and this friend is you. Yes, that's right. Insomnia is also a signal, a red flag. It means things are not going well, not heading towards the right direction, meaning you have to face it, find the issue, find out what it is trying to tell you. Only you know it, you have to read it and talk with it. And then you can find a solution for it, and then make peace with it. And……and then,  you can make friends with it, tell it you are okay, don't worry about you too much, don't come vist too often.

  When I talk with old friend Insomnia I notice that there are some issues that have being going on with my family, that make me want to take a break from every body. It makes me want to dig a tunnel, so I can crawl back to China, or any other country, or any other place. I just need a break from a lousy husband, who complains 24/7, about his job, his students, his friends, his bad night sleep. Yes, he has many bad nights sleep due to a health issue. He can sleep, I can't, but I have to hear him complain about it. Ughhh……And then, I have to deal with my kids. The 12-year old complains too, complaining  he doesn't have any friends (not enough), complaining about how bored he is every day. Yes, because of 2020, a special year, every one has to wear a mask , has to keep distance from each other. And that's not the worst, the worst is every body is stuck at home togther, working from home, studying from home, and complaining at home. Ughhh……, and that's not enough. The 2-year old is stuck at home too, 24/7. Mostly he is stuck with me because I don't have a job, and I don't have any friends to hang out with. Therefore I don't have any excuses to go out, to be alone. Ughhh…… and then , there is my old friend Insomnia. Because I'm too lonely , too miserable, too tired. Yes, I'm tired of everything around me. Even tired of myself too. Yes, every one is borthering me, myself included.

  And then, I need friends, I need someone outside my life to talk and to share. I need to find something else to do besides to be a good wife, a husband?（yeah, it is just a typing  mistake, but I kept it)……

  (no,……not a husband! sorry …… I must have lost my mind, just had an unpleasent coversition with my sister-in-law. My husband told me that she hasn't decided if she is going to come down to give her mom some company. Yes……there is no typing mistake there……I don't want to talk about my sister-in-law today, but she definetly has something to do with my insomnia. Yes, not in a good way,  she is an adult but she often acts like a child. She didn't pay any visits during my pragnancy, not after I had my baby, and no, not at any of my big moments……But, today, her mom just lost her husband. And the daughter needs some one to help her decide whether she should come down to be with her mom?! An old mom, who just lost her love, her hope. Tonight is the night she will be really loney......We all will be. Because we lost our hope too. I thought that I could have more time with "Dad", not before I'm done collecting all of his exciting stories……Luckily, I got to visit him once during last week. I told him that I finally found my way, I know how to deal with myself here now, in a new country……I told him that I built a social media (WeChat) group for myself, and since then I met many interesting friends there. And I just discovered that I have some protential to write, and I wrote a story about my Grandma, and there are many people who like my story. And then I told Dad that I want to write a story about him too. A man who came along all the way from Germany with his big family, 12 brothers and sisters, joined the army in the 1940s and went to the Korea war...... And he was 91 this year, and he was the only one of his own family left in the world. And he just passed away today, this morning…… I still can't believe it just happend, can't believe that he is gone. Today is another day, I wrote something with tears, with too many tears... but I'm going to finish writing it. And He (my "Dad" ) would like me to finish writing it too.）

  Ughhh……yeah, I have to be someone else, besides being a wife and a mom and a daughter. And yes, I want to be a writer, a good writer, who can write something that can encourage and comfort herself and also others. Writing something good for everybody. That's my dream. I want to be a writer like Carrie Bradshaw 凯莉.布雷萧 in the movie《Sex and the City》欲望都市.  Or a writer like Yan Gelin, a chinese writer who wrote a famous novel about Duohe,《 Auntie Duohe》. Inspired by her and her novel , I wrote my story about my Gandma (my mom's Mom) with many tears. My Grandma was a woman just like Duohe, born with many stories. In order to remember her, I wrote a good yet sad story:《A woman who lived like Duohe》 (《一个像多鹤一样的女子》). And I want to be like Sanmao too. Sanmao was a Chinese writer, who came from Taiwan, and went overseas to study, and went all over the world and wrote many stories of her adventures. And the most touching story I read is about her and her husband Hexi's love story:《Sanmao and Hexi's love stroy》（《三毛和荷西的故事》）. Hexi passed away on the 7th year of their marriage. A very touching story with a very sad ending.

  Yes, I want to be a writer, that's my dream. I want to be a good writer who can write something to heal herself and also others. And since I started to write, my life is back, I am back with more positive thoughts and energy, and more stories to share. And I have also met many interesting friends who like me and like my story (article) too. I'm so grateful of everthing I have right now. And I am surrounded by all the people I love too. My husband is lousy sometimes, but he is very supportive. My older son is a warm sweet-hearted teenager, and sometimes can be cute too. And my two-year old little boy, he is a little devil but also a little cutie-pie. And I'm happy too. Happy and sad. Today is a sad day for all of our family members. But I want to carry on all the happiness and good stuff, and write more. 

  And a special thanks to my old friend-Insomnia. It is abandoning me right now.

  But, because of it, I have a chance to have a serious conversition with myself. And I am happier than ever even in such a sad day.

  It is time to say Goodbye to Insomnia, and to my "Dad" too.

  He earned all my love and respect and admiration. So he was a real Dad to me too. And he will always be my Dad.

  Bye Insomnia, Bye Dad. 

  We shall meet again. And we will.

 ----11/29/2020, 4:49pm