原来抑郁，不是悲伤，不是痛苦，不是愤怒，而是麻木，是不在乎，是被卡在沼泽地里，慢慢下沉，却没有一点动弹的力气，和动力。人生的痛苦在于，不断在走从未走过的路，人生的魅力也在于，不断在走从未走过的路。感恩，一双双从岸边伸来的手。今天要推一篇干妈发来的tedtalk，翻了好久～～很biblical的观点（marry the eternal lover and see yourself from His eyes, complete,holy, righteous），与所有已婚未婚的你们共勉吧：））He is risen,so am I!
When I was growing up, there was this song we used to sing on the playground, and it went like this,“Tracy and so and so, sitting in a tree,k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes love,then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”And I’m like, OK, that’s it! That’s how you do life. That’s how you do a relationship.Love, marriage, baby carriage.OK, got it.在我小的时候，和小伙伴们在一起玩耍的时候我们常常会唱这么一首歌：“小红和小明呀，坐在树杈子上呀，你亲我来我亲你呀，先恋爱呀，再结婚呀，然后婴儿车里就出来个胖娃娃呀”我听的时候就想啊，哎呀，原来如此呀！这就是每个人的人生必经之路啊！这就是你怎么处理婚恋关系啊。恋爱，结婚，婴儿车，好吧，我知道了。
And then I grew up, and this is what my life turned out to be. Slightly more complicated, right? Love, marriage, divorce, dry spells, love, marriage, co-parenting, another marriage, another divorce; you got the picture.So if you’re good at math and/or a fast reader, what you’ve got there is that I’ve been married three times. Yep, three, and divorced. What that’s supposed to mean is that I’m a total failure at relationships. And that is one way to look at it, but not the only way. 后来呢我长大了，我的人生变成了下面这幅样子：
Because what I think really happened is that I kept marrying the wrong person. No, it’s not that I didn’t — it’s not that I chose bad guys. My first two husbands were amazing men who are now married to wonderful women who aren’t me.And my third husband,well, we’re friends on Facebook now. So, all is well that ends well, right? 因为我认为事情的根源是我一直在跟错误的人结婚。这倒不是说我一直在选择渣男。实际上，我的前两任丈夫都是很棒的男人，后来也都跟很棒的女人走到了一起。我的第三任丈夫，怎么说呢，我们还是qq（脸书）好友哈。结局好就万事大吉了，是吧？
After the collapse of my third marriage in 2005, I realized that I’ve been marrying everyone in sight, except the one person that I really needed to marry in order to have a great relationship and that once I married that person, all of my relationships would be successes, even the failures. The so-called failures, actually.05年在我第三次婚姻溃败的时候，我意识到我好像已经跟身边所有的人都结过婚了，除了那个我真正应该与之结婚的人。只要和他结婚，我所有的人际关系都会跟着变得成功，包括那些失败的人际关系。实际上，只是所谓失败的关系。～～～～广告时间嘿嘿（We love, because He first loved us.1 John 4:19 我们爱，是因为他先爱了我们）～～～
Since we’re talking today about women inventing, I’m going to talk about inventing relationships. What I’ve found through a lot of trial and obviously, many, many, many errors, to be the thing that has transformed my life and love, and that is this idea of marrying yourself.鉴于我们今天要聊的是关于妇女创新的话题，我今天就要来谈谈关系上的创新。这也是我在经历了许多的磨炼和犯了无数无数的错误后才发现的，一个转变了我的生命和恋爱关系的想法，这个想法就是，和自己结婚。
So what does it mean to marry yourself? It’s a big idea. It is as big as marriage itself except, if I could just summarize it, it would be that you enter into a relationship with yourself and then you put a ring on it. In other words, you commit to yourself fully.And then you build a relationship with yourself to the point where you realize that you’re whole right now, that there is no man, woman, job, circumstance that can happen to you that’s going to make you more whole because you already are. And this changes your life.那么和自己结婚，到底意味着什么呢？这是一个很重要的决定（想法）。其重要程度不亚于结婚本身。如果我可以言简意赅的总结一下，那么它的意思可以是，你和自己互换戒指走进一段婚约关系。换言之，你把自己完完全全交给自己。你和自己建立一段亲密无间的关系，亲密无间到，这个世界上，没有任何人，不论是男人，女人，工作，还是临到你的外界环境，能够使得你变得更完整，因为你已然如此。相信我这个决定会改变你的整个生命。
By now, I’m sure at least some of you are wondering why you should be listening to a three-time divorcee talk about marriage? Even to herself. And I understand that.Here’s what I have to say
about that: what I’ve learned and my experience is that the places where you have the biggest challenges in your life become the places where you have the most to give if you do your inner work. I kind of want to say that again: the places where you have the biggest challenges are the places where you have the most to give.说到这里，我知道，你们在座的一些人一定在心里嘀咕，我凭什么要听一个离过三次婚的女人在讲婚姻成功之道？没错，我自己心里也是这么嘀咕的。我理解你们的半信半疑。这里我想要解释的一点是：这些年我从自己的经历中学习到，你的人生中曾经经历最多挑战的地方，也恰好是你拥有最多发言权和智慧来惠泽众人的地方，如果你在那个过程当中对自己的内心有足够的审视的话。我想再复述一次，你的人生中曾经经历最多挑战的地方，也恰好是你拥有最多发言权和智慧来惠泽众人的地方。
So let me tell you a little bit about the person I truly needed to marry: myself.I am from Minneapolis. Wooh! My mom was a prostitute and an alcoholic. She put me in foster care when I was three months old.My dad was a criminal; he was a drug dealer and a pimp with a heart of gold — actually, they both had hearts of gold — and he spent more or less my whole life in prison. And he just got out of prison after his most recent sentence which was 20 years.Until the age of nine, I was probably in two dozen foster homes. The thing you need to know about this story — there are a lot of details, obviously — but the thing you need to know is that I came out of that childhood with one goal: to never be left. And the way I was going to do that is that I was going to get married. That was the way I was going to accomplish that goal.那么下面让我来告诉你们关于那个我真正应该嫁给的人，也就是我自己，的一些情况吧。我是明尼阿婆里斯人。耶～我妈是一个酒鬼加妓女，我三个月大的时候就把我扔给了寄养中心。我爸是个罪犯，同时也是一个好心的皮条客－－实际上，他们两人其实都是内心善良的人。我爸在我的记忆中绝大多数时间都呆在监狱里，他刚刚才从最近一次20年的审判服刑中被释放出来。到我九岁的时候，差不多已经呆了有二十多家孤儿院。我讲的这个故事，当然，有很多细节，但我想让你们记住的一点是，从这样的童年经历出来的我，只有一个目标，就是绝不要再被抛弃。而我达到这个目标的方式，是走进婚姻。
So I got married the first time to a guy I met when I was 17. We got married a couple of years later, when I was 19. He was a really good guy from a great family, he had an MBA. I mean, it was like, you know, marriage material. You know, I was thrilled. I was like, “I have a family. I belong somewhere. This is wonderful.”And then after five years I left him. And then 10 years later, I got married again to another wonderful guy, who is the father of my now 16-years-old son. We still have a wonderful relationship. He is a really good guy.But after four years I left him, too. And I am not proud to say that I did that, but in order to really marry yourself, you have to get sometimes very painfully honest with yourself about what it is that you’ve done. So I’m not proud of that.所以呢我跟一个我十七岁就遇到的人走进了我的第一次婚姻。我们是在我19岁的时候结的婚。他是一个很好的男人，来自一个很好的家庭，有一个MBA学位，我的意思是，你知道的，就是一个金龟婿啊。我一下子幸福爆棚。我的感觉就像“我有家了！我找到归属了！这真的太棒了！”但是五年之后我离开了那个人。然后十年后，我又跟另外一个很棒的人结婚了。这个人，后来成为我16岁儿子的爸爸。我们仍然是好朋友，他真的是很好的人。但四年后，我离开了他。我并不是说我做过的这些事情有多么光彩，只是，要跟自己结婚，你有时候需要无比坦诚的撕开自己的过去。我并不以我的过去为豪。
And then eight years later, I got married again, when I was 40, and I was like, “OK, this feels right!”Let me tell you what felt right to a girl who was in 24 foster homes: a guy who started to date after nine months of marriage; essentially, he started dating a 21-year-old girl. OK, I mean, it would be funny, if it weren’t so tragic. You have to have a sense of — that is why we’re Facebook friends.So, here I am looking at this person that I just described with a terrible track record of relationships, and I’m like, “I’m supposed to marry her? This is the woman you want me to marry?”And the answer is yes. Because here is the deal: the thing about marrying yourself is not just like cohabitating. You’re not just going to date for a while and see how it turns out. You are going to do this till death do you part. You are going to take vows.然后了又过了八年，在我四十岁的时候，我又结婚了。那时候我的感觉是，好，这次感觉对了！让我来告诉你对于一个在24所孤儿院待过的人来说，什么是对的感觉：结婚八个月后，我老公开始勾搭上了一个21岁的女孩。我的意思是，如果不是这么悲剧，就真的太滑稽了。你应该察觉到我们为什么只是qq好友的原因了吧。所以呢，我刚刚所描述的那个我要与之结婚的人，是一个在婚恋史上劣迹斑斑的人。我心里的感觉像，有没有搞错？你真的要我跟这样一个人结婚吗？答案是，是的。因为这就是这个约定的本质：和自己结婚，不仅仅是你们起居生活在一起，你们不是就相亲个一个月然后好聚好散。你们是要一生一世都绑定在一起直到死亡把你们分开。那是你们对彼此的誓言。
So inside that terrible experience of that third marriage, I learned something about “in sickness and in health”. What I learned is how to sit by my own bedside, and how to hold my own hand, and how to nurse myself, and how to comfort myself. And what I learned is that I am a person that I can count on.Last but not least, you marry yourself — when you marry yourself, it’s to have and to hold yourself. What does it mean to have and to hold? Well, I think it means that you love yourself the way you want someone else to love you.在我第三次悲剧性的婚姻里，我学到的一件事是，婚姻是无论疾病还是健康都互相扶持。我学会了，怎样坐在我自己的床边，握住自己的手，照顾自己，安慰自己。我领悟到，我是一个值得自己信靠的人。最后，跟自己结婚的时候，你拥有和扶持自己，怎么说呢？我想这意味着，你像期待别人爱你的那样来爱你自己。
I had always been going through life with this sense of lack. I felt like I was kind of half a person, and that I was missing something. I went into my relationships hoping to solve this feeling that I had my entire life: that I wasn’t whole unless someone loved me.一直以来，我的生命中都有一种深深的缺乏感。我总感觉自己像是缺少了另一半的人，有一些东西是缺失的。可以说我的大半生都在试图通过婚恋来摆脱这种缺乏感，就是我不是完整的，我需要另一个人来爱我使得我变得完整。~~ And you have been made complete in Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority. Colossians 2:10 你们在基督里得到了丰盛完整的生命，祂是一切执政者和掌权者的元首。~~~
And the truth was that I wasn’t ever going to feel whole until I learned to love myself. So this business of marrying yourself transforms every area of your life: your business,family relationships, kids, social relationships, friends. Because when you marry yourself, this huge thing happens: you become able to love in this whole new way. You become able to love other people right where they are, for who they are, the same way you’re already loving yourself. And of course, this is what the world needs more of. So when I married myself, and I realized that I already had everything I needed, I started seeing it as my job to basically just light up my little corner of the world. That’s my new job. Because I don’t need anything, I already have it. 然而事实是，只有我开始学习怎样爱我自己我才能真正感觉到自己是完整的。与自己结婚真的能改变你生命的方方面面：你的事业，家庭关系，孩子，社会关系，朋友关系。因为当你跟自己结婚的时候，你的生命会发生一个本质的翻转，你开始有能力以一种全新的方式去爱。你可以在人们还在原地没有改变的时候就去爱他们，爱他们的本真和个性，就像你是怎样爱自己一样。当然，这世界需要更多这样的爱。所以当我跟自己结婚的时候，我意识到我已经拥有了自己需要的一切，我开始可以将保持自己的身心愉悦视为自己的责任。是的，那于我是新的责任。因为我无所缺乏，我已经拥有了我所需的一切。
So when I take meetings, it’s all about how can I help this person achieve her goal? When I’m in my social communities, it is like what can I bring to this that only I can bring? And when I go on dates, it is like how can I just discover another person maybe for just one hour which, of course, brings me a full circle. Because people always asked me about my love life; they want to know.And you know, the answer is, I am still working on it. Aren’t we all? 所以当我与人会面的时候，我关注的是我怎样帮助自己实现她的目标？在我的社交圈中，我考虑的是我怎样让自己对这个群体有独一无二的贡献？当我约会的时候，我的感觉就像我怎样让自己在短短一个小时的时间里尽可能完整的认识另外一个人。因为人们常常会询问我的婚恋生活，他们想知道。而我的答案是，我还在摸索学习，谁不是呢？
So this is where I am right now. About three months ago, I went on a first date. And about 30 minutes into the date, I found myself paying attention not to whether he liked me, but how I felt in his
presence. I noticed that I was light, happy, and joking. And as I reflected on the date afterwards, I was like, “Wow, I got really excited! Look, this is how committed I am to myself.” I am not even
on this date trying to get someone to like me. I am more interested in how I feel about me than how he feels about me, not because I am selfish, but because the only relationship I am ever going to have with another person is the one that I am already having with myself — just going to have it with them now.所以这就是我现在的状态。大约三个月前，我跟一个人第一次约会。大约有三十分钟的时间，我注意到自己的注意力并没有在那个人是不是喜欢我，而是我自己在那当下的感觉如何。我注意到，我很放松，愉快，时而开个玩笑。就像我在约会后回想当时的情景，我激动的意识到，看，这就是我让自己委身于自己的样子啊！我约会的目的不是要让另外一个人喜欢上我，我对自己的感觉的关注超过了对他对我的感觉的关注，并不是因为我很自私，而是，我与任何其他人要建立的关系，实际上都是我已经与自己建立的关系，就是此刻我所享有的关系。
So it turned out he liked me, and we are still together. It’s cool and amazing, but I’ve been married three times, so slow down.The thing is that I am not trying to get security from him through marriage, and, God forbid, a baby carriage. I am only here to just be in a relationship. I am not dying to hear the words, “Will you marry me?” Because even though those words are very powerful — and very powerful to a person like me — I don’t need them to hear it from him because I have already heard them from myself.最后呢那个人还真的喜欢上我了，我们到现在还在一起。很棒也很奇妙。但是因为我已经结了三次婚，咱们还是慢慢来哈哈。事实是我不再试图从他，从婚姻，甚至，所谓的婴儿车上面寻找安全感，我在这里，只是为了跟另外一个人在一段爱的关系里。我不再歇斯底里的要听到那句“你愿意嫁给我吗？”因为尽管那句话很震撼－－尤其是对我这样曾经如此缺爱的人来说很震撼－－我也不再需要从他口中说出，因为我已经从我自己心里听到了。
The way I see it is like I took myself to the top of a mountain, or maybe to the bottom of the ocean, and I got down on one knee, and I said, “I’ll never leave you.”And now I am married to the one
person I really wanted to be with all along: myself. Thank you.我看待与自己结婚这件事情，是我跟自己爬山涉水，风雨同舟后，单膝跪下说，我对你不离不弃。现在我可以说，我真的嫁给了我一直以来想要嫁给的人，那就是，我自己。谢谢大家！
