Effective Relationship

Three factors contribute to wholesome and effective relationships:

1. self-awareness
2. active listening
3. harmonious assertiveness

Active listening:

1. helpful behavior that contributes to effective listening

• eye contact
• ask clarifying questions
• nods
• appropriate facial expression
• leans forward
• affirms what is said
• not distrcted by other things

2. Effect on speaker

• feel encouraged
• feel important
• feel good
• feel happy
• feel inspired
• feel motivated
•  feel relieved
• feel loved
• respect the listener
• feel closer to the listener
• greater self-confidence

3. Not helful behavior

• looking elsewhere
• no facial reaction
• looking watch
• no eye contact
• doing something else
• fidgety
• playing with object on hand
• interrupting
• telling your own story
• giving advice

4. Effect on speaker

• insulted
• lost interest to share
• hurt
• feels unimportant
• offended
• feels not appreciated
• feels angry
• feels like turning away

Genuine listening has a magic that's almost unbelievable. [ I don't believe you can cultivate genuine listening if you are not interested in the speaker or the topic; but many great people declare you can if you choose to believe everyone is your teacher that they know something you don't know or they know better in certain subjects; I intend to disagree- if I'm not interested in the person or in the topic, it doesn't matter whether they know more or better. For example, I dislike Donald Trump and I can't listen to his speech even he is a president. If we can choose genuine listening, we can choose to be God.]

The most powerful way of dealing with angry persons is to listen to them- not only to the words but also to the feelings and frustration. Listening doesn't mean agreeing with them; it means understanding them. It means caring for them. [ I suspect that we can force ourselves to care or fool ourselves that we understand when we disagree. I usually am the angry person. I feel not be understood. But I will feel better if the other person did not interrupt me and allowed me to express my feeling. I normally never made others feel bad unless they made me feel bad first. When I feel bad, I have no ability to make anyone feel good.]

Listening has a healing effect. It can heal the deep wounds of the soul. [ really, what's the deep wounds of the soul?] The kindness starts with simple genuine listening.

Children feel loved when parents listen to them. Unconsicously, their self-worth is reaffirmed every time someone truly listens. [can children distinguish truly listening and ingenuine listening?; the power is within us or from outside?]

A family whose memvers can listen to one another is probably a happy family. Not that they are free of problems, misfortunes or conflicts, but the way they deal with these probles and conflicts doesn't engender itnerpersonal resentment and anger. [ I don't know good listening precede happiness or happiness precedes good listening. When people love or like each other, it is normal for them to listen to each other; When they have resentment towards each other, can they choose geniune listening with caring and respect? or it is all fake and manipulation?]

Harmonious assertiveness

there are three ways of responding to people when we encounter any kind of conflict: 

• timid- avoid conflict but feel hurt or burdened
  • suppress your own right
  • silent, lie, or apologetic
  • avoid problem not solve it
  • suppress your feeling
  • you are afraid to lose sth or someone; to be punished; to have adverse consequences
• aggressive - face the conflict and intensify or worsen the conflict
  • violate the rights of others
  • accuse or judge the other person
  • vent out anger or manipulate the feelings of the other person
  • lose control
  • create more problems and conflicts
• assertive - face the conflict without worsening the situation. Not using accusatory words that will make other person feel defensive. We describe our own reaction rather than the supposed motive of the other person. Judgment about the other person's character is avoided.
  • exericse your own right
  • state your reaction, feeling or opinion without accusing or judging others
  • express your feelings sincerely and honestly
  • calm and self-aware
  • resolve the conflict 
• mature silence - if you know when to use it with powerful aura 

[it works when you have the bargaining power. But how many people dare to speak up when dealing with bosses, VIP clients, significant ones? If you fear to lose, to suffer, to take all consequences, you can't be assertive. It is what I believe. It may need to change so I can learn assertive communication.]

In developing the capacity for assertive communication, the following points should be noted:

• state a truth without creating a defensive reaction on the part of the other person [ how can you determine other's reaction?]
• do not judge, critize or condemn [ how to express the truth without letting others feel you are judging, critizing, attacking or condemning? what is truth? do we really know?]
• an assertive statement focuses on the event or action , rather than the person, and describes our own feelings or opinions about it. [but others still can take it personally no matter how you say it.]
• choose language, tone, pitch, environment, time, contect. [ anything that can go wrong will go wrong. ] Body language and tone of voice are very important.

Assertiveness is the product of our character and the acquisition of a skill. It is a character that is calm, kind, just and self-aware. The skill is the capacity to choose words that are truthful but not hurtful or offensive. It takes practice to acquire this language skill. [ a lot of work. we all want a magic spell or a short cut]