Introduction:
Originally I was thinking to invoke my Fifth Amendment Right from US Constitution for not answering the comments left by 落花飘零 and 浦江客. But on the second thought, I realized that if I don’t clarify my point I am facing risks to mislead readers. As a result, my intents would be ‘Lost in Translation’.
I am fully aware that the choice of career-bound or home-bound for a woman is a complex and controversial one, no matter how you slice it or dice it. But I’d still like to give my earnest and honest try to explain my reasoning in order to hope bridging the miles wide gap a bit closer between two camps without further “incriminating” myself.
鱼 和 熊 掌 (1)
First thing first, the crux of question I raised was like this: can a career minded* (see my definition below before jumping your conclusion too soon) woman have both namely solid relationship/marriage and professional advancement at same time? The answer form my vantage point is a ‘NO’, or at best the relationship itself would run high risk than otherwise. Granted, I am not an expert on marriage or relationship and my thinking just reflects male’s opinion. Nevertheless, based upon my past experiences I found it could be very rocky to establish a meaningful and productive relationship with a career-minded girl. For example, once upon a time (about two years ago but it sounds like 古代 ) I dated an upcoming young female attorney who was working for a famous law firm in mid town Manhattan. Let me call her Karen. The dating had only lasted for about four weeks before we mutually agreed to call it off. Why? It was not because we didn’t attract to each other. It was neither because we lived in miles apart. The real issue was that we both were so soaked in our work (climbing corporate ladder) that we barely had time to go for a movie and had a sit-down dinner without being interrupted by emails and phone-rings on our blackberries or next day’s work. If we needed to clear up our schedules to make an appointment to see each other on dates, what should I expect when we’d add the ingredients of marriage, in-laws and kids into the ‘mixer’? Could it be unsatisfied marriage, separation, divorce, single parent? I didn’t have the answer but my common sense told me ‘it wasn’t looking good’.
Interestingly, about one month ago on a week day night around 9:45 PM, I bumped into Karen at the corner drug store while I was picking up some spring water and a package of bathroom tissues. In her shopping basket there were feminine care stuff and variety of chocolate power bars and a pint of her favorite brand ice cream.
Karen: “Hey, stranger, what is up?” She tried to be funny to dilute her embarrassment as she saw me.
Me: “Not much, and you?” I smiled back politely.
Karen: “SOSO (meaning: Same old same old)”, she responded.
Silence set in as I was flipping though a popular magazine at casher line and Karen was typing on her blackberry behind me.
Karen: “Have you seen anyone?” She put her blackberry into the holder and broke the silence.
Me: “Not really, and you?” I turned the table around.
Karen: “Me neither.” She answered.
Me: “Will you like to pay first?” I offered her to stay in front of me.
Karen: “Thanks, still sweet, ah ?” She took my offer and paid the casher.
Me: “Good Night Karen”, I said to Karen as she was standing there.
Karen: “Bye”, she replied and then her lips moved a little. It seemed she wanted to say something but instead she swallowed her unspoken words and walked away.
I could only guess what she might want to say would be simple as “Call me” But looking at her slanted shoulder by the sheer weight of her heavy leather bag with court papers, a shadow of sorry crept into my mind. “What is the point for me to fool myself?” “Do I really want to spend my time with a girl who eats power bar for dinner while typing her case preparation?” “Can any right minded man or any decent kids want to have her for his wife or mom?” You would be the judge.
It is not how cynical or pessimistic I am which I am not. It is about simple law of physics and human nature & behaviors. We are all notoriously susceptible to be problematic when stress at work or at home strikes us. It is very difficult for two individuals who work long hours and face stressful climate day in day out and not bring the ‘garbage’ home. If it happens, it can be poisoning and even detrimental to relationship. But if a woman stays at home and take good care of her kids including occasionally act as a shrink and listener for her man, things can be very different. In my mind, home should be like harbor to a ship; it would give peace for a restful night and replenish the passion and strength for the captain’s next journey.
No doubt, there are many women who are working, happily married and nurturing their kids for Ivy League. But it is just that on the way they would be more likely to call quit on their marriage than stay-at-home women. It is my own opinion, if it is not for economic reason; home-bound women including those who have higher education would have more smooth life and fulfilled relationship in long run.
In financial world, people say “High risk generates high return.” But that is because mutual fund managers do it with OPM (Other People’s Money). There is a big difference when coming down to my life and my future. I’d rather take a safer approach because a career-mined woman would be like a high risk investment instrument to me.
盈袖2006: Your observation is absolutely right. When a man devotes too much time to his work, he may face the risk to neglect his wife and his duty to his family, in turn, it plaques the relationship and marriage. Are there some solution/cure available? In my own opinion there are some possible options. First, he needs to adjust his priority and spend more quality time with his other half. Second, to reduce working hours can also be good staring point. The truth is that a man can change job often to fit his paradigm at different stages of life but he should not sacrifice relationship and marriage the other way around. But if he makes enough maney it would be nice for his wife to stay home to enjoy a little and take good care of children.
I am hoping I might have answered your question. Welcome for your stop-by.
浦江客: Thanks again for your poem. Even though we are not able to persuade each other but we did present our thoughts on the table to facilitate us for further discussion.
巡洋舰队
准备好了吗
今天
我们要
远航
不要那豪华的
铁达尼
我们是一队
巡洋舰
不沉的
铁达尼
也会遇到
冰山
我们的船队
每艘
都可以是
主力舰
还有
不起眼的
潜水艇
核威力
是它的
明天
I agree there is only one captain in a ship, either man or woman, but 最好是民主产生的。：）
不用谢，我defend 你了吗？呵呵，没觉得：）。。。Be your defense attorney in WXC? 倒可以考虑，可是你又不写中文，所以case太少了；），我得charge 你多少钱才能衣食无忧呀：）。。 而且当律师，还满累的，不喜欢。。。还要辩才， 你知道我从小没练出来的，算了算了：）。。。等着看你的（2）吧，呵呵。。。
Nevertheless, I am afraid that I am not totally convinced by the theme of two ships and two captains in a joint-adventure. In investment scene, to pick a good stock people need not only examine the company’s products/services, market share or other important data, but also look into the leadership of the company carefully to see if the helmet is held by some one who has the vision, skills and endurance to lead the company in good time and bad one. So when a company has co-chairman it can be an issue since two great persons' energies may cancel each other off, worse they may bicker each other and squander the opportunity given. A bit caution would likely be taken into account for this kind of company. My point is that marriage and family is like a ship or an enterprise either man or women may lead but not both at same time.
一粒麦子: You have sharp eyes to unearth the hidden portions beyond my written words and posted picture. I think any blogger should not assume readers are any less intelligent. I believe that leaving mental spaces (show, not tell) for readers to derive their own conclusion can be a kind thing to do.
It also seems that you have a successful marriage and you are humble enough to allow yourself to be led by your captain.
豆沙小月饼: As your pen name implies you are quite sweet. Your opinions gave all of us hope and encouragement. I am waiting for your story and poem.
Mapleinfall: Nice try, though :) I have already made my mind to use English to write. And plus, my middle name is 'Determination' :). The truth is that using English to write can be fun, too. Bigger number of readers may be rewarding however, I’d prefer the quality of the readership.
I’d also like to thank you to defend me, would you ever consider being my defense attorney at WXC ? What is your billing rate ?
纵然平行，瞧瞧你的这篇文章吸引了多少女子，这是女孩子们最感兴趣的话题了。。你要写成中文了，一定会被放在第一页，会有更多的女孩子扔砖给你的，也许还有绣球，呵呵：）（当然我们追求的不是那个，是吧；）。。。看出来我在诱惑你了吗？。。。写中文：）
你的诗给我很多触动。如果这个周末我的论文进展顺利，我会写一个故事为你和声：）
真是酒逢知己千杯少。虽然我不沾酒，有机会以茶代酒敬知音。
谢谢！
情如双飞雁
身异影同行
心若并蒂莲
花复香益清
还要谢谢纵然平行，这篇文字触动了大家的心灵：-）
云归，雨回，人不悔。
致船长
你我
曾各自
航行在海上，
你有你的，
我也有我的，
方向；
黑夜里
船倾楫摧,
雨骤风狂,
紧握舷舵,
我心系一发
不退让.
无线电波里
嘀嘀做响,
庆幸有你,
恰恰路过这水一方.
原来,
我们要去
同一地方.
登上我的船吧,
你张开臂膀.
我的船
身坚力足
势不可挡.
让我们风雨同舟,
我就是你的船长.
噢, 船长,
我的好船长.
我向往
到你的船上
共享霞光,
也感谢你
替我负荷
轻我货舱.
但,
无法放弃我的船,
请原谅,
不能忘,
我自己
也是个船长.
我愿
开足马力
与你共航.
我愿
倾我所有
补你给养.
我愿
迷途时
做先锋, 找寻方向,
我愿
海战中
做后卫, 替你护航.
我愿
和你并肩
劈波斩浪,
我愿
和你一起
沐浴朝阳.
当你为珊瑚所迷
暂偏航向,
我会减速缓行
待你迎头赶上.
我们是
那汪洋里的两条船,
你我都是
勇往直前的船长.
浦江客，
我补充两句。
你是指心理上的“风雨同舟”。虽各有各的船，但是两人是维系在一起，一样同风雨，共患难，共喜悦。但同时，各自都能享受掌舵的乐趣，披荆斩棘的骄傲。
我想，你的这首诗更深刻一些：-）
谢谢
你好厉害！
有时间的话，送我一首好不好？我好喜欢的。
你的诗中，风雨同舟。
对不起，是我误解你上一个留言的意思了。
豆沙
我觉得夫妻是在同一条船，不然怎么说是风雨同舟。如果正副船长航行方向不同的话，迟早是要散伙的。
女人心理上的独立很重要。夫妻双方，薪水可以不等，事业大小可以不等，但是从相互尊重的层面上，他们是平等的：）
纵然平行，
我觉得女子是应该以家庭为重，但是也要有自己的事业，在经济上独立。这样，在一个家庭中，夫妻的心灵是平等的。不会一方仰望一方，或是完全倚赖对方。也只有心灵上的平衡，两人才能一同成长，才不会差距越来越大，渐行渐远。
当然，并不是说留在家中不外出工作的女子就不会有什么长进。只是，从人的角度来说，她不仅仅属于一个家庭，也是社会的一分子。她总是要有一些快乐来自于根植内心的自信，而不是所有的快乐的源泉，都来自于外界（丈夫孩子...）。
事业做不好的女人，也不要指望她持家有方；持家无方的女子，事业也好不到哪里去。
我想，对于女子，传统和现代，理智和感性，激情和矜持，自我和家庭，都是需要融合的。而如何把握两者之间的度，也是女子一辈子都在追寻的答案。
一粒麦子，
我觉得对于纵然平行这些期待，鱼和熊掌也有希望两全。如果另一半，是个自由工作者，家庭就是工作地点，时间也比较自由，会好一些。比如，free-lancer,音乐教师,consultant，个人工作室，设计师，艺术家...工作性质比较自由的...顾家也顾全自己的追求...不过，这只是理想化的假设。因为自由工作者，或许更没有家庭观念也未必。
不多说了，越说越远：p
总之，追求心中所想的，坚持心中坚持的。希望大家都把握住幸福。
豆沙
致船长
你我曾各自航行在海上，
你有你的，我也有我的，方向；
黑夜里船倾楫摧, 雨骤风狂,
紧握舷舵, 我心系一发不退让.
无线电波里嘀嘀做响,
庆幸有你, 恰恰路过这水一方.
原来, 我们要去同一地方.
登上我的船吧, 你张开臂膀.
我的船坚力足势不可挡.
让我们风雨同舟, 我就是你的船长.
噢, 船长, 我的好船长.
我向往到你的船上共享霞光,
也感谢你替我负荷轻我货舱.
但, 无法放弃我的船, 请原谅,
不能忘, 我自己也是个船长.
我愿开足马力与你共航.
我愿倾我所有补你给养.
我愿迷途时做先锋找寻方向,
我愿海战中做后卫替你护航.
我愿和你并肩劈波斩浪,
我愿和你一起沐浴朝阳.
当你为珊瑚所迷暂偏航向,
我会减速缓行待你迎头赶上.
我们是那汪洋里的两条船,
你我都是勇往直前的船长.
浦江客 – It’s my understanding there is only one ship in a marriage, and each ship can only have one captain. It’s probably better for the husband to be the captain.
一粒麦子
It also depends on how you define a solid, a meaningful marriage.
Same rules apply to both sides. Home is a harbor for every family member, not just the man. Every man and woman is the captain of his/her own ship. Everybody has his/her own journey to explore.