入乡随俗
大熔炉，沙拉盆，还是海纳百川更好
青春美丽，阳光灿烂, 我为什么想自杀？（2）
Young and pretty, sunny and bright, why did I want to commit suicide?
感谢各位朋友在前一篇留言。这个话题不容易写，诚惶诚恐，生怕言不达意，写偏了。你们的feedback给了我一个纠正的机会，非常感激大家的帮助。请要转帖的朋友原谅，容我把这个系列完成之后再转。
博文自荐：青春美丽，阳光灿烂, 我为什么想自杀？（1）
http://blog.wenxuecity.com/myblog/71936/201703/29761.html?
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第一篇我没说清楚，抑郁症的感觉和不堪重压的感受是不一样的。有一年我特别背运，至亲家人们厄运连连，我自己摔断了骨头。我心里没底，不知能否应付生活的难题，更害怕机运继续恶化，担心命运继续地不时给我再来狠狠的一击。那一年我先生被裁员，我自己的工作向新的方向发展。 秋天大女儿又离家去外州上大学了。女儿跳级的，年龄小，做母亲的牵肠挂肚是必然的。
In the previous post, I did not clearly state that, depressed feeling is different from the feeling of weighing down by stress factors. There was a year during which I had some really awful luck. My family members had one terrible thing happen to them right after another. I fell and broke a bone. I did not have any confidence in myself to deal with these challenges in life. I was angry at the fate and scared that things will keep getting worst. That year my husband were laid off from his job, I myself had additional challenges at work as the company I worked at was heading in a new direction. My eldest daughter left home for college in the fall. She was very young as she had skipped a grade. Being a mother, I was very worried about her being so far away and amongst the elder college crowd.
吐这么多苦水只是想说明，压力和抑郁是完全不同的感受。那年只感到不负重压，没有年轻时那样的抑郁感受。到了年底我特别盼望新年的到来，迷信的期望新的一年时来运转。那一年我遇到很多困难，但没有抑郁的绝望。 解决了问题， 压力就减轻了。
These complaints about my difficulties that year was really to show that, stress and depression feels completely different. During that year, I was stressed out a lot. But I did not feel depressed. Towards the end of that year, I was especially looking forward to a new year, hoping the new year will bring me better luck. Even though that year was very difficult for me, I did not fell into despair. Stress is relieved once problems are resolved.
抑郁是内心的感受，压抑，悲凉，空虚，无望，黑暗，不依外界的情况而变。回头看来，年轻时的那段经历是叫作 major depressive episode.，属于clinical depression 一类, 很危险。这和承受外界压力的感觉不一样，也和平时的不开心不愉快不是一回事。
But depression is a feeling coming from inside: sadness, emptiness, despair, and darkness. These feelings do not change according to outside factors. Looking back, the experience of my youth is called major depressive episode, belong to the clinical depression category. These often have physiological reasons and could be dangous if left untreated. This depressed feeling is not the same as being pressured by some external factors, nor is it the same as simply being unhappy about something.
从我自己的经历可以看出，外界的压力是对抑郁症有影响的。我当小留学生的时候，中国刚刚开放不久。从封闭的国家来，对自由世界一无所知。小时候受的共产党教育无用不说，连自以为强项的数学，到了大学高年级拼不过美国本土的学生。生活，学业的压力都很大，但這是不是我抑郁到想自杀的原因呢？不能说完全没影响，但我从抑郁中走出来的时候，这些压力都还在，还有更多的压力，所以我抑郁到想自杀一定还有别的原因。
It can be observed from my own experience that external pressure has an influence on depression. When I was a young foreign student, China just started to open to the west. Coming from a tightly sealed country, I knew nothing about the free world. Not only the communism education I received in grade school was useless, even math which I thought was my strong point, I could not compete against the American students in high level college classes. There were a lot of pressure from daily life and academics. But were these the reason for my depression which brought me to the point of contemplating suicide? I can not say these factors have no bearing on my depression. But when I came out the depression, these pressures were still there. Furthermore, there was the additional pressures. Therefore, there must be other factors lead me to contemplate taking my own life.
已经有很多研究成果显示压力过重是对健康不利的。身体健康和心理健康是相铺相成的。身患重病，即使保持着乐观的心态，内心也是有压力的。反之，心理疾病长久不治也会引发身体健康问题，也很可能心理疾病本来就是生理问题引起的。
There are already a lot of research showing that excessive stress is not good for health. Healthy mind and body are interrelated. Severe physical illness, however an optimistic view, there are stress from within. On the flip side, mental health issue may lead to physical illness if left untreated for a long time. It could also be that mental health problems were the result of physical illness in the first place.
那么是不是减轻压力就可以解决青少年心理疾病这个问题呢？近来不少文章批评中式教育方式，认为华裔父母望子成龙造成的压力是青少年心理疾病的主要原因。那我就举几个例子来说明心理疾病严重到自杀的并不只限于华人，也不只限于来自父母的压力。我在美国比在中国生活时间长，我认识的美国人肯定也比认识的中国人多。所以我这几个例子都是美国人。
Is it true then, this problem of youth mental health can be resolved by relieving pressure on our youth? There are a lot of criticism of the Chinese education style for putting too much pressure on our youth. Many people believe that the unrealistic expectation of Chinese parents are the chief reason leading to youth mental issues.
Then, let me give a few examples to show that severe case of mental sickness resulting in suicides are not limited to Chinese, and neither are they limited to pressure from parents. I have lived longer in the United States than in China by now. I also know more Americans than Chinese (including Chinese Americans). My examples are all Americans.
第一位自杀者我不认识，也没见过。他的祖父是我公司老板几十年的朋友，非常宽厚的老人，平易近人。他与我们公司有业务往来，我常见到他，还常在一起吃午餐。他孙子自杀的事是他亲口对我说的。我听到邻居孩子自杀的消息，非常震惊。这位老人说出了他家的事来安抚并开导我。
The first one who committed suicide, I did not know him personality. Never met him His grandfather is a friend of the owner of the company I worked at. They have been friends for many years. He is very easy going and gentle. He has business dealing with our company. I see him often and have lunch with him every now and then. The grandson’s suicide is something he told me himself. When I heard the news that my neighbor’s boy committed suicide, I was shocked. So the old man told me his family’s story to calm me down.
这个孙子是他养大的，妈妈(老人的女儿)很早就因车祸过世了。孙子不爱读书，吃喝玩乐会享受。长大懂事了帮着祖父的生意，大多是户外的建筑工程项目。新婚不到一年就自杀了，阳光的白人青年，春风得意的时候就这么走了。
The grandson was raised by this old gentleman himself. The mother, old man’s daughter, was killed in an car accident long time ago. The grandson did not do well in school. He liked to party. But he grew up eventually and started to help in his grandfather’s business, mostly outdoor construction projects. He committed suicide less than a year after getting married. Sunny white male, gone from this world at a time when his life was finally getting on track.
第二位自杀的我也不认识，是同事的女儿，也是白人。二十四岁，她母亲也是自杀身亡的。我只知道这些。这位同事和我不熟，只知道他很和善，不是虎爸。
Neither do I know this second one who committed suicide. She was a daughter of my colleague, also white. Twenty four years old. Her mother had committed suicide some years before. That is all I know about her. I am not close to this colleague. But I know he is very nice, not a strict “tiger dad”.
第三位是我多年的同事，没有自杀，但有一阵忧郁症非常严重。刚认识那年他十九岁，做技工的白人，长得高大帅气，性格阳光开朗。我孩子小的时候停了几年工作，重回公司的时候发现这人完全变了，说话恶声恶气的。我们只是同事不是朋友，并不想探他的私事。但共事多年多的同事，关心一下也是应该的。所以当我忍不住问了他，他也没生我的气，也没隐瞒 。他和妻子正闹离婚，身体也出了大毛病。但幸运的是，他的家庭医生让他去心理医生那里开了药，现在精神状況明显好了很多。
The third one is a colleague of mine for many years. He did not commit suicide. But he was suffering from severe depression for a time. When I first met him, he was nineteen years old, tall and handsome, with a sunny and sweet disposition. When my kids were young, I took a leave of absence from work for a few years. When I returned, I found him to be completely different from the man I used to know. Conversation with him was very unpleasant. He was mean. As a colleague but not really friends, I did not want to pry on his privacy. But we worked together for many years, it was nature for me to be concerned about his well being. When I finally had an opportunity to ask what happen to him, he did not get mad at me, neither did he hide his problem. He was going through a divorce. Also he was having a major health problem. Fortunately, his family doctor referred him to a psychologist who put him on medication. His temperament is more pleasant now and is obviously doing better.
第四位是个十七岁的男孩，白人，我们小区的邻居。学业不错，踢足球的帅哥，美国公立高中里很受欢迎的那种。车库里一根绳子上吊了，多么年轻的生命! 追思会去了一千多人，有同学，老师，朋友，邻居。他的父母把他的一个器官捐了，还以他的名字设立了基金会，作为奖学金发给我们学区的孩子。社区有很多善良的的人，基金会收到不少捐款，第一年就从基金里拿出利息颁发了三个二千元的奖学金给应届毕业生。他的父母努力地将他短暂的生命发挥出社会意义，但他们家人的痛苦只有自己来承受。这男孩走后他家马上搬了出去，不能再继续直接面对这个疤痕。房子空着，很多年卖不出去。
The fourth one is a seventeen year old boy, white, a neighbor in my subdivision. He excelled at academics, also was a soccer player。A popular all American high school boy. Hang by a rope in the family garage, a young life was gone! There were over a thousand people showed up at his memorial service, students and teachers from school, friends, relatives and neighbors, all sadden by the loss of this promising young man. His parents donated one of his organs, and set up a foundation in his name. The foundation took the donation from the community and awarded scholarships to the children of our school. His parents tried hard to make his brief life on earth meaningful to the society. But the pain and loss they had to bear by themself. They moved out of the house shortly after funeral. They could not face the scare every day. The empty house sat on the market many years unsold.
从这些例子中我们可以看到抑郁症不限于华人，也不见得是中式高压教育和人生中的不如意所导致的。抑郁症是心理疾病的一种。我不是医生，没有资格写抑郁症的诊断和治疗。但我要指出的是，患上心理疾病但自己不知道，不治疗，是无益于早日康复的。
From these examples we can see that depression is not limited to Chinese. Also, it is not necessarily result of Chinese style high pressure education, nor unfortunate circumstance in life. Depression is a type of mental illness. I am not a doctor. I am not qualified to write about the diagnosis and treatment of depression. But I wanted to point out that, if the mental illness patients and their family are not aware of and not seeking treatment, quick recovery is unlikely.
年轻人，情绪波动大，是抑郁症发病最高的时期。我上面四个抑郁症例子里三个严重到自杀的都是年轻人。其实，我当小留时的压力不小，但也不及后来生活所带来的压力。人到中年，上有父母，下有孩子，承担着家庭和工作的重任。所不同的是，少了青春期荷尔蒙的影响，抑郁症的症状没这么严重。
Young people tend to have large mood swings. This period in life has the highest incidents of depression. In three of four examples above, the severe cases of depressions resulting in suicide were all young people. Actually, even though I was under quite a bit of pressure while a young foreign students, the pressure later in life were not a bit less. People at middle age, sandwiched between elderly parents and young children, have a lot of responsibility for family and work. The difference being, without the influence of youth hormonal changes, the symptoms of depression were not as severe.
改进教育方法，减轻青少年的压力当然是明智的提议。我举这些例子不过是想提醒华人父母不要掉以轻心。外界的压力不是导致看少年忧郁症的全部因素，不要以为改进了教育方式孩子就不会有心理疾病。当孩子有忧郁症的时候，也不见得减轻了压力病就自然好了。
Improving education method, reducing pressure on the youth is a smart thing to do of course. I was just using these examples to remind Chinese parents not to take it lightly. Outside pressure is not the only factor leading to youth depression. Never to believe that your child will not be at risk for mental illness because educational method has been improved. When a child is depressed, it is not necessarily true that the malaise will be gone when stress factors are removed.
每次有一个华裔孩子自杀的消息，文学城里一片哗然，尤其一个优秀的孩子自杀的时候。很多人说多么幸运多么优秀的孩子，抗不住压力多么可惜。事实可能是那个孩子的死因和外在的压力，境遇和个人成就并没关系。
Every time there is news of suicide involving a Chinese youth, you can hear a loud sigh on Wenxuecity, especially when it involves a Chinese youth who excelled. Many people lament the waste of these youth’s potential, being so lucky and outstanding. The reality may be that the reason for these suicide have no relationship with outside pressure, situation or personal achievement.
呼吁父母不要不顾实际地强推孩子成龙成凤当然不错。但压力并不是全部来自父母。很多孩子，特别是优秀的孩子，更会给自己增加压力。追求完美，心高志远是很多优秀孩子的共同特征，但不是所有的孩子都有心理疾病。有些孩子阳光外向，有些内向，有些孩子把眼泪藏在阳光的笑脸后面。
Of course, it is not wrong to ask parents not to push children beyond realistic limits. But pressure not only come from parents. Many children, especially children who excel, tend to put pressure on themselves. Perfectionism, high expectations are pressures ambitious youth put on themselves. But not all the youth suffer from mental illness. Some kids are sunny and outgoing, some are introverts, others hide their tears behind sunny smiles.
藤校一个校园里有个臭名昭著的”自杀桥”。我去过那个学校。崇山峻岭之间，深谷之上，短短的一座桥。选这个地方纵身一跳，把尸身留在美丽的山间，这些孩子是不是对这世界还有所眷恋？有谁知道那些孩子们的压力来自父母，还是来自他们自己？又有谁能说他们跳下去是因为不能承受压力，还是不能承受心中那悲哀的痛苦？
There is an infamous suicide bridge on an ivy league college campus. I visited that school a while ago. In the mountains, over a gorge, a short pedestrian bridge. Choosing this place to jump, and leaving the body in a beautiful ravine, maybe these kids still have something to live for in this world? Who knows if their pressure come from their parents or from inside themselves? Who can say for sure that they jumped because they could not take the pressure, or because they could not take the pain from the sadness in their hearts?
没患过癌症的不会感受到绝症的痛苦，但都知道这病的历害。没患过心理疾病的，不仅不懂患者的痛苦，更不可能对这病的危害有感性的认识。这个病，也是会致命的。不懂这病的起因，怎么会知道怎样预防？ 不知道这是个病，怎么会想到去寻求治疗？
Not having been stricken by cancer, one can not feel the pain of terminal illness. But everyone knows the seriousness of this disease. Not sicken by mental illness, one not only does not understand the patient’s pain, but also does not know how dangerous it could be. This disease can also result in loss of life. Not understanding the cause of this illness, how can we talk about prevention? Not knowing this is a real illness, why would anyone think about seeking treatment?
我不是专业的医疗人士，自己得过抑郁症也没下多些功夫去仔细研究过这方面的问题。我所知道的只是心理疾病，很多是有生理原因的。而目压力并不是引起青少年抑郁症的唯一原因。我写这篇文章的目的是想让华裔家长们来关注青少年心理疾病这个话题，共同探讨心理疾病的起因，诊断和治疗。
I am not a healthcare professional. I did not spend a lot of time research this area even though I experienced serious episode of depression. I only know that many mental illness have physiological reasons. With advance in medical science, there are medications nowadays to treat mental illness, including depression. The purpose of this paper is simply to promote the awareness of mental health issue in the Chinese community. I hope to remind Chinese parents to look at both internal and external factors causing mental health issues, and to seeking better understanding of diagnosis and treatment.
不少华裔家长为孩子上顶尖名校做了不少功课，课程的要求，考试标准，社会活动，艺术和体育特长的发展，说起来头头是道。可是有几位家长学习了青少年心理铺导？
Many Chinese parents did a lot of homework in order to help their kids get into good colleges. Required classes, standards on tests, community services, arts and sports development, they can talk about these topics in details. But I wonder how many parents actually spend any time studying youth mental health counselling?
期望孩子成龙成凤并没有错。谁不希望孩子有出息? 把自立于社会当做培养孩子的目标，这是称职的父母应该做的。对孩子高标准，严要求，这也是负责任的父母应该做的. 只要这些标准和要求,是按着孩子的实际能力来设置的。但优异的学业，机智的处事能力，没有强壮的身体，健康的心态也是枉然。
Expectation of excellence for children is not wrong in by itself. Who would not expect their own kids to be successful? Raising children with their independence as ultimate goal, this is something all the good parents should do. Setting high standards and enforcing strict discipline, these are also marks of responsible parents, as long as the standards and requirements are set based on child’s actual abilities. But excellent academics and good organizational skills, without strong body and healthy mind, all will come to naught.
致于是不是脆弱敏感的个性和心理疾病有关联，下一篇再讨论。
As to whether there is any correlation between fragile, sensitive character traits and mental illness, I will explore further in the next post of this series.
(未完待续)
(To be continued)
莲盆籽
二0一七年三日二十八日
*********翻印转裁, 务必请等这个系列写完之后。无偿转载，但必须先经我允许。转裁前请以悄悄话和我联系。*********
冬日好，我夏天读完了你女儿的书写感想几次开了头又放下了。看过她的interview，很感动。
Jennifer的文笔优美流畅，非常喜欢。
很高兴看到噢颜颜来访！
有朋友向我推苻你的博客，还没有机会慢慢去读。
问好！
谢谢北美大一叔肯定并鼓励！
谢谢茵茵码了许多字，两篇！
前两个我不认识，不知道你猜的对不对。
第三个同事其实是我们老板关爱的。这个帅哥以前是老板爱将，犯病时那个浑啊！老板口没遮掩，不满意时什么脏的臭的都骂。我一直奇怪为什么老板那时不骂他。问了帅哥才知道老板念他生病，照应他。人性善恶，中西都一样，表现方式不一样而己。
第四个男孩家是老邻居，父母肯定爱他的。一千多人的追思会这儿很少见，可见他和家人人缘多好。
父母爱肯定重要，但到底有多大作用我还是不能确定。
谢谢腊梅分享你的感受！
经历过的说出来，让那些正在挣扎中的看到希望，这也是一种关爱吧。
谢谢Sharon参加讨论，肯定我的感觉！
荔枝这个例子有意义。
很多人分不清correlation and causation是不同的概念。起因很复杂，现代科学还不成熟。做这方面研究的反而不敢轻易下结论，要用很多qualifies。
谢谢菲儿关注！
看来你们那儿环境不错，大家能够一起讨论，病人在积极治疗。
梅姐说得是，这两个是不样的感觉。不大容易说清楚，经过就知道，unfortunately!
谢谢梅姐证实了我的感觉！
写写说得对，孩子大了也是要关爱的。不过大孩子的空间要多给一些。
谢谢写写补充！
谢谢腊月寒梅补充！
还是你写得清楚，我直接搬进博文引用了。
谢谢梅华关注并鼓励！
身心健康，有抱负有追求的会有充实感。迫于生活而忙忙碌绿的反而压力大。
很羡慕思韵你的文笔，能准确地分析和描述你的感受。
我写不好，只有象你这样用心来读的，才感受得到那种沉重的心情。
谢谢思韵陪我一起回顾一段不堪回首的经历！
亮妈读了好多书啊！
同一个人，在不同年龄段，对同样的事，心理和生理的反应都会不样。
道理可以说给年轻人听，但很多还是不撞南墙不回头。这是我撞到头破血流后悟出来的，哈哈。
第一个：结婚一年自杀，是否婚姻出了问题？从小失去母亲，应有精神黑洞。因此现在有条件的外国人到成年后会找心理医生协助他整理过往，象体检一样。
第二个：24岁的年轻女孩，母亲自杀的巨大阴影，即使不是遗传基因，也有情绪传染的负面影响力。前两个都有母亲缺位的问题，应早看心理医生预防和调整。
第三个：离婚患抑郁症、躁郁症、甚至杀人的都有，因此我周围的老外一离婚都去看心理医生，及时治疗。很感动莲子对他人的关心超过维持自我形象，他那个时候需要有人关注和疏导，也许你这番友善就让他拐过一个死角呢。
第四个：寂寞的十七岁，脆弱得有时一点小事就过不去了，甚至只是一念之差。我周围两个老外自杀的例子都是十七岁的男孩，好像都和失恋有关。我先生同事的孩子跳楼，他父母离婚，父亲长期缺位，尽管爱他，可不在身边又怎样。另一个是邻居的瑞士亲戚，在家中自己房间上吊，葬礼在教堂举行，也是来了好多人，邻居全家都赶去了。后来听他们说，亲戚家两个男孩，出事的老大从小就敏感阴郁，老二则从小就阳光，他们担心此事对小弟弟的不良影响。
我想起挪威那个在岛上大开杀戒者，也是父亲常年住在法国，属于父母有一方常年缺席造成心态失衡。
茵茵，麻烦你把留言再写一遍帖出来。MS Word写了再copy 过来。不知文学城又出了什么问题，我的一个留言也崩没了:(
敬佩你的学识，很想听你的意见。谢谢！
“事实可能是那个孩子的死因和外在的压力，境遇和个人成就并没关系。” 我比较偏向于你这句话。
谢谢连连系列分享，身边有很多的人有这个问题。
从你的描述看，我没有经历过那种心灵的黑暗和无助。我所有的低落仅仅是路不顺了以后的自我怀疑和愤世疾俗，而不是抑郁。我总觉得我是外向的，是真正的无伪，也很会流泪。我不会是表面微笑着，心里已经绝望的人。我始终表里如一。这是不是心理健康的原因，我不知道。
我最感动的是莲莲说是父母的爱让你珍惜生命。我也是父母的爱给了自己克服困难的勇气。很期待你的下篇，因为我自认为挺多愁善感的。