Sometimes You Cannot Win

It was a tough time before product release. Bugs                                                          
(software code defects) planted long ago,                                                                 
unintentionally of course, suddenly sprang up. I                                                          
got my share but couldn't fix one of them. It was
later resolved by a more experienced engineer. The
technical details were interesting but I wanted to                                                        
focus on the emotional side. I felt defeated for a                                                        
moment. The only worse thing could have been that                                                         
my code caused the problem.                                                                               
   
Management seemed to have the right attitude. My
boss also worked his ass off trying to help. He                                                           
focused on the problems and did not simply push
the engineer(although toward the end, he started                                                          
to lose his cool a bit). This gave him credit but at                                                        
the same time put more pressure on me.                                                                        

For a software engineer or worse, an idealistic
one, it is very easy to identify with one's work
and take it too seriously. Often added on top are
the worries about job security. And then there are                                                        
the Chinese men's senses of honor and family                                                              
responsibility. What do we do when the going gets
tough? We bite the bullet, neglect health, and 
work long hours. This is often the reality of a
programmer's life.  
                                                                                                          
During the past week, I sometimes felt I was in                                                           
trouble. I was in much bigger troubles before and
was prepared for worse things. But in the moment,
I could lose the big picture and, for a brief
while, negative thoughts could creep in and take                                                          
hold, e.g., this gig could be over, my career
ended in failure, and this would bring miseries to                                                        
the lives of loved ones...                                                                                
            
Philosophy is easier to understand and profess                                                            
than to apply. I think inbetween lies the concept
of "practice" or XiuXing(修行）in Chinese, something                                                            
we'd better do, everyday.

It was only by keeping reminding myself of the 
wisdoms I've been gathering was I able to get                                                             
through the perceived hell unscathed. I learnt a                                                          
few things, both technical and spiritual, and from                                                        
hindsight I could've done better. But I didn't
blame myself--I had the right to be wrong. I felt
even a little proud that I didn't take it out on                                                          
my family for what happened at work.                                                                      

Thank You!

[7grizzly]

Thank you, 暖冬, for reading and the thoughtful comments. You are right, of course, that we shouldn't let the pressure get to us in times like this. We could handle it at this stage of our lives. Imagine, however, someone in his 30s or early 40s trying to raise a large family. It'll be a tall order for him to stay cool. He needs something to come out of it undamaged. We've seen many tragedies already. Remember the guy last year jumping off a building for a PIP? This post is more for them.

[暖冬cool夏]

When the pressure mounts, it's really not easy to keep your cool all the time. I don't have as a stressful job as you do, but when it comes to deadline or when mistakes are found, I've learnt to take it without feeling bad at all. We are all humans, and sometimes it just needs another fresh pair of eyes or a fresh mind to look at the problems. Nothing more than that. Never feel defeated and bite the bullet. If one day we are out of job, it is not that we are not good enough, nor that we did not work hard. It is always sth else. But you are right that xiuxing is hard, and I know you have been practicing:)). Take it easy and take care!