“Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” ~ Oscar Wilde
We’ve all done it. Every single one of us has been in that place where we mess up.
Sometimes it’s something small, like showing up late to meet a friend, or forgetting our child’s ball game; other times we go for the jugular and screw up on an epic scale, leaving a shower of debris in our wake. Insert your own major screw up here—we all have them. None of us is exempt. Screwing up is universal (tweet that!)
Most of us can overlook the occasional blunder, but the big stuff—betrayal, DUIs, parenting failures, whatever it is for you, that’s the stuff of guilt and shame. And it can eat away at us until we can no longer stand our own reflection.
At times forgiving ourselves is so much harder than forgiving others, but real change cannot happen until we are willing to ease up on ourselves.
If guilt and shame are major players in your life right now here are seven reasons to give yourself a break:
1. We’ve all messed up. That doesn’t make it right, but understanding that we aren’t alone in our failures allows us to forgive both ourselves and the people we may have hurt. Suffering, whether inflicted by ourselves or by others is universal; simply knowing and believing this is an important first on the journey towards self-compassion.
2. Self-directed anger hurts the people we love. Most of us are acquainted with the vicious cycle of internalized anger: we mess up, bathe in implosions of anger and guilt, redirect that anger towards the people we love, and then find ourselves feeling guilty once more. Anger, no matter who is the recipient, is rarely a good thing.
3. Shame empties the soul. Author and Shame Researcher, Brené Brown, says “shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Internalizing our wrongdoings as part of who we are leads to intense shame. Instead, Brown teaches us to separate our wrongdoings from our core self and realize that we are not our mistakes. We can always change; we can always do better. Our past mistakes do not need to be the brushes with which we paint our future (tweet that!)
4. You are just as worthy as the ones you hurt. You may not feel worthy, especially if steeped in shame, but no one person has more value than another. We are all worthy of love and belonging, no matter what we have done. And we are all deserving of forgiveness.
5. If you starve yourself of compassion you are unable to pass it on. You may feel like you don’t “deserve” compassion—that you should be sentenced to a lifetime of swimming in the errors of your ways, but the more time you spend in that place, the more bitter and hurt you will become, making it impossible to extend love and compassion to others.
6. It’s a slippery slope to depression. When our actions hurt others it can be easy to slip into a place of shame, guilt, anger, and diminished self-esteem, but staying there can quickly lead to feelings of depression. Accepting your mistakes, believing change is possible, and not allowing your wrongdoings to define who you are, become vital thought processes when slipping into a place of depression.
7. Beating yourself up won’t change anything. No matter how much you beat yourself up, you’ve still made the mistakes you made and hurt the people you hurt. Nothing can undo what’s happened. And you may feel like you don’t deserve to be let off the hook, but keeping yourself in self-condemnation will neither help you nor the person you hurt. Change is the best thing you can do for that person, and for yourself.
Empowering yourself after your screw up
How often have you wished you could turn back the clock? Start over? Do that one thing again and get it right this time? I know I have—many times. I also know that if I hadn’t messed up, time and again, I wouldn’t have grown, and I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I’m proud of that person. I’m not proud of everything she has done, but I am proud of who she is at the core.
Allow yourself to become acquainted with your most authentic self. When we screw up, we aren’t being our whole selves. We either aren’t thinking clearly or responsibly in the moment, or we are acting out of our wounds. As Brene Brown advises, try to separate who you are from the things you have done. Avoid labelling yourself as the bad guy, or that’s who you will always be.
Accept that your mistakes are in the past and change is available to you in any given moment. I have heard countless stories of people incarcerated for heinous crimes who turn their lives around full circle. They learn to forgive themselves and and behave with love and compassion. No one is exempt from the ability to change (tweet that!)
Make amends if possible. You don’t need someone’s forgiveness to forgive yourself or to move on, but the simple, heartfelt words, “I’m so sorry,” can go a long way in helping that person.
Writing challenge
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve asked you to take out your journal and write down your thoughts. This week I’d like you to think of your greatest mistake—something that incites feelings of shame, sadness and guilt. Something you want to turn away from and forget. We’re going to consider how that one time in your life when you messed up is affecting who you are today.
Write down your answers to the following:
- What is your greatest fear when you think of that one area in which you messed up?
- How have you labeled yourself since this life event?
- Where is the blessing in the screw up? This may be something you learned about yourself as a result.
- Who are you underneath your mistakes?
If you’ve turned your life around in the aftermath of your greatest failure I’d love to hear about it. Share in the comments!
Image credit: Rachel Titiriga
