Who am I?

Three years ago I almost died. I tried to find out who I am day and night for two years. I somehow fooled myself that I changed completely. I am a new person indeed.

Recently I found out that I did not change at all. I made the same mistakes with the same excuses, and felt depressed, frustrated, angry most of time.

I feel helpless why transformation and transcendence are so difficult. One moment I feel I'm one with the Universe, one with life, one with God. Next moment I wish the third world war destroy the earth and everyone on it.

It is true there is good in me that want to make the world a better place. It is equally true there is evil in me that want to control and win at the cost of others. 

I want to find the best therapist to heal my psychosis without pay a penny. I want to find the kindest mentors to lift me up to touch the sky. I want to make friends with the most understanding and caring souls to bring the best out of me. I want to have favor in the eyes of decision makers. I want to find the secret and shortcut to become superman. I want to have all good things without paying any price. 

Indeed, I'm still a dreamer not a doer. I'm still lost not found. I'm still blind and unelightened. Who am I? Do I matter? Do I have an immortal soul? How to live without fear of death, failure and suffering? How to have inner peace or make peace with myself? Why I sweat small stuff? Why I can't control my own emotion and thoughts? Where to find the answers? How to look within and be still?