礼拜五

礼拜五。温度很低，阳光却很好。 坐在窗内往外看，有一个温暖的假象。如果真的在外面走动走动，冷风吹的你一路小跑要赶快回来。 刚刚开完会，吃了点中饭。 好像有别人在看我的blog。本来是想给自己一个空间，随便写下任何东西。 在网上有时好像戴一个假面具。谁写自己真正的痛苦哀愁？只把闪光，快乐的一面示人。但谁都知道，谁没有真正面对自己的时刻？一个钻石有５８个切面，眩目的光彩来自它们的交汇。 也许只是这一阵。工作，签证，景况的缘故，让我不快乐。career book上说的，如果你不能在工作中找到乐趣，then you don't know happiness。很大部分是这样的。 报纸上的career 栏目说，如果你觉得有split personality，在工作上的时候觉得自己得表现出另一个人的样子，不能真正做自己，那么你就知道这个job对你是个wrong fit。我太知道了。早就知道了。我不是多早前就complaint过，忧心仲仲过，angry过，我再去pursuit　painting我就要人格分裂？我怎么接受，综合我画画的个性部分和做programmer的现实？南辕北辙。五马拉着分别往不同的方向跑。可不分尸？ 很多人没有这个问题。他们是happy with their life, with what they do.去做金融，做统计，做工程，做医药，等等等等。我带着画板回来碰见这样一群人里面的几个，我是不是象somebody from another planet? Too out of their world.　No imagination, no appreciation for art, no passion for languages and literature...They are like well-made machines built for accurately solving intricate science, engineering problems. How do they understand me? What do I have in common with them? It's even painful to hear some of them speak English. They need other people to fill in the sentences. Also what happened to their soft communication skills? Ugh. Don't even get me started. What pains me is now I am one of them. At least I am considered to be. I have to say I do not enjoy talking to them. As I write, I feel this anger swell up inside my chest. Okay. This is Friday. Let's think about something nice, something more enjoyable.