留守岁月（5）两地传书

这是在红箫把 brokendream 的两个留言转发给先生后在 MSN 上的一番交流，红箫话很少，因为大部分时间她一直在流眼泪，为 brokendream ，为许许多多在痛苦中的家庭，不知为什么想把它贴出来，不管为什么就贴了！

Brokendream:

Don't know what to say. My hubby went to back to China for a few years. He told me that almost all his colleagues with wives still in US are either divorced or are having affairs behind wives backs. He told me that he is probably the only exception. I trusted him with all my heart and he told me often how much he loves me. We believe that we have the strongest love among our friends. I told him that if he ever did anything wrong, I would kill myself. But, finally the most heartbreaking thing happened: he is having a lover in China now. He told me that he still loves me very much but can't break up with the lover. I cried, cried and lost lots of weight in just a few days. I can't believe this can happen to me. Not even his family and friends believe this can happen. But it happened. I feel I am dying inside. I realized now that overconfidence is disaster waiting to happen. I never imagined I could possibly forgive him if he ever had an affair. But when divorce becomes a real possibility, I totally lost it. I realized how painful it is to ignore 17 years of loving marriage and start new again. I realized how much I still love him. He cried a lot too and even wants to kill himself because he feels sorry to both me and his lover. His lover knows that he is married and wouldn ’ t divorce, but still wants to be with him. Believe me, it is the most painful thing that can happen to you and you will not be as cool as you are now once you are in it. I just feel really stupid right now to leave him alone in China for so long despite all the warnings from other people. I wanted to go with him to China, but my kid didn't. So, going back to China was just kind of in holding pattern until this happened. Regardless of his relationship with his lover, I have decided to go back China very soon. I want to give my last try to save my marriage. I don't believe divorce is in the best interest for either of us. I deeply believe he still loves me. It is just that fresh love passion blinds him now. Telling you all this because I don ’ t want to see another person going through what I am going through now. Believe me: no body is immune to temptation. I don ’ t want to see another overconfident wife to realize that her loving husband can be part of that 100% too. Deep down, all people and families are similar.

Brokendream:

Looks like you still want to stay in here. If you ask every heartbroken wife with hubby in China, they probably have similar thoughts as you before something happened. And that is probably why even with so many examples, the same thing happens again and again. Every body thinks they are the exceptions. My thinking was just like you before my heart being smashed. Our love kept him away from temptations for almost 3 years and finally the right person came along and he gave in. What else do I need to say to make you understand? If you are still determined to stay, I just wish the best for you. Your husband will be near saint if he can stay in China for a few years without any problems. If your age showing on the blog is right, you are a little older than me. Take care bigger sister. I hope you can rethink your decisions again.

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

hi, 看到你转发的 Email 了

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

are you a saint?

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

will you be a saint?

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

恩 ,, 不知道

我不是上帝 , 我能做的只是尽量过好每一天

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

then....

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

不能得出任何结论

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

what should i do?

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

相信我

继续相信我

不论别人怎么说

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

can i?

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

恩

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

her hubby said like that too before...

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

也有很多没有问题的

我不认为都是这样 , 虽然听说过很多

业兵在国内待了多年

还有很多海归在国内 , 我认识的几个朋友

海归很多 , 出事的人被广为传播

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

业兵也有身体出轨 ...

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

哦 , 那是另外一个话题

他跟同力在一起，难免

还有就是女人不要太敏感 , 业兵他们现在过得不是很好 ?

有的男人有机会也许会偶尔出轨一下 ,

女人也有

那是不同的

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

那就还是人家说的失足，只是 ... 而已

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

站在理性的角度 , 没有人是完人 , 人犯错误都是有可能的

关键是如何处理这些事情

我不是为这种事情找借口 , 而是说一种普遍的问题

那些最后歇斯底里的人都是因为自己把丈夫给推出去了

负责人的男人都不会伤害自己的家庭 也不会背叛自己的家庭

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

我明白

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

正如那位女士说的 , 她丈夫也很痛苦

但是我相信如果她处理得好的话 , 丈夫肯定会回到她的身边 , 而且会更心疼自己的妻子

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

没那么容易，已有的伤口要愈合谈何容易？

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

如果她现在处处提防 , 处理的不好 , 即使他们在一起 , 她的丈夫会觉得因为她而对不住了那个他的 lover

也许夫妻两个仍然在一起生活，但是已经没有了爱了

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

你不觉得对这个妻子太不公平

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

是，但没有办法，这是很微妙的一种心理

业兵现在聊天的时候一口一个我们家陶桃怎么好怎么好

我想他是真实的

宝宝别想太多了

这个话题是个非常大的社会话题

困扰着所有的人，我不想你成为话题本身的牺牲者

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

这些我都懂，就是觉得不 fair, 吃那么苦为什么？

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

所以大家都要珍惜，都要理解和宽容，其实每个人吃的苦都不少。

人或者究竟是为什么，我有时候经常在想这个问题，安逸的生活我们已经可以得到 ……

我们公司的员工每天都在谈论柴米油盐，他们为生计奔波， 8 个人共住一套房子，买 40 块钱一件的毛衣，他们觉得很幸福，因为他们对未来充满了希望。

我们也曾经走过同样的路，我们也同样在苦难中充满了希望，生活的幸福。

经常，累的时候我就非常想放手回去，想回到原来的生活中去，在美国找一份轻松的工作，这种念头越来越强烈。每一天都只休息 4/5 个小时，每天的生活就是在方圆 500 米 范围之内，没有妻子孩子在身边。

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

同当初打工的时候真的感觉不一样了，任何一点细节都要自己过问，给 Intersil 做的笔记本我让他们做了好几遍了，我校正到昨天凌晨 2 点多，还是有很多的错误。

人手不够如何开展各种活动？资金如果不够了下一步怎么办？客户那边联系的不错，下一步怎么去跟踪？都要自己去想，去操心。

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

有时候想想真的不知道自己为了什么

我不想成名，也不想有太多的钱，我究竟是在为什么？

老婆孩子还在那边孤独地生活

还好，我这边还有一个同样孤独的乔治跟我相互打气，相互支撑着不要倒下来

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

我当然知道这一切，世上还有谁比我更了解你更理解你，更心疼你，所以我想尽自己的所能为你分担，不想在你的面前说消极的话，不想再给你添烦忧，甚至不想在你的面前流眼泪

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

宝宝你做的非常不容易了

这么依赖型强的女孩能这么坚强地在那里不让我担心，是最伟大的了。每每别人问起你我都内心里感觉非常的骄傲

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

你是我最大的后盾，虽然我平时很坚强，可是我知道在我最脆弱，最后的依靠还是你。

那是一种浸泡着二十年汗水＼泪水的深情

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

宝宝，你不知道我内心里有多么的爱你，

对你的蛮横无礼＼莫不关心是因为我太爱你了，在你面前可以为所欲为，我在任何一个别人面前都不能这样做。我知道这样做深深地伤害着你，可是我觉得只有你才能让我发泄对生活的不满

只有你才能让我肆意地宣泄我内心的烦恼

茫茫人海中听者只有我最亲爱的人

宽容我者＼呵护我者＼在意我者只有你

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

虽然知道你没心没肝的，可还是会担心你一个人会孤独，担心你不好好吃饭，担心你不好好照顾自己，担心你工作压力大一个人扛着 ...

你知道我永远都是最懂你，也是最支持你的那个人，所以无论人们是在说什么 ...

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

没事的，只要我知道你们过得还好就行了，有你照顾好两个宝宝，我什么都能扛过去的

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

宝宝，我会尽一切努力做好，生活好，工作好。

宝宝也要相信我

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

万一哪一天我也像其他俗人一样不慎失足，宝宝要救我，宝宝不要把我推开。

宝宝还是以你伟大的善良和宽容保护我

因为任何事情都不应该玷污我们二十多年来我们共同走过这么多路建立起来的感情

如果让我割舍这二十年的感情＼割舍同宝宝多年来的风雨同舟的记忆，就如同失去我的生命

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

这一点我觉得我比你有骨气，也许还是我太理想主义，一直有一种执拗在我的心里，为什么是 100% ，为什么我们一定要沦陷潮流，我们可以吃那么多苦为了成就梦想，可以付出那么大的代价为了理想，为什么一定要败在那么凡俗的一个 “ 失足 ” 里，我就不信真的已经没有情感可以胜过这一切，只要我们用心经营，用心！　

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

恩，我也这么想，可是别人不那么相信

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

我真地想跟世俗打一场战役，我就不信最后一定是我们输

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

我从来都不作许诺，你是知道的，这并不意味着我不坚持

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

我们不是 saint, 可我们都珍惜我们所拥有的，我们都愿意为我们所拥有的付出和牺牲，因为我们明白我们已经拥有了我们想拥有的，尽管不是完美，尽管也有缺憾，可人生还有多少个二十年让人一起从年少走到今，那种已经融入血液的情感，谁会相信未来还会有其他的 chance 能从头再来，所以我说，如果到那一天我们真的输了，我真的输得心服口服，因为你是我了解得你，我是你了解得我，我们又这么了解我们所拥有的，知己知彼，我们还输了，有什么可悔、可怨的！

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

宝宝，相信我！

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

我们彼此深爱

[e-mail] （电子邮件地址未验证） 说:

我相信

[carmdown]

It seems marriage is nothing to man. I don't know why they need to find a lover when they have wife and kids. Let them go, take care of kids and find another person who deserves your love. I don't think it is worthy to struggle for such kind of men! He loves himself much much more than his wife and kids. All those men who have lovers out of family are cheating. Don't be silly. They are greedy to have more. Let them go! I don't know why there are so many Chinese ladies who are pride of themselves for breaking others' family. I really don't know. Let the stupid husbands go!Keep kids.

[june06]

我看得出你跟老公是很相爱的.但我对人性没有信心.刚分开的时候都是会很思念的,等'激情'过后,日子会变得很现实.如果你真的非常爱你的老公,那你也可以包容他的出轨吧.你现在因为爱,而愿意冒险让他一个人回国,你知道,投资不一定稳赚.我想,至少你老公是不安于现状的人,否则他不会回去.你们的生活注定会风险大一些.你所能做的,除了做好自己该做的外(保持魅力什么的),就是包容了.说句话,可能显得可笑:爱一个人就是让他幸福.

[不吃不喝]

TO BREAKDREAM：
只要老公还爱你，真的不要想离婚的事，断了这个念头。

[不吃不喝]

大家好!我是新来的，我也曾面临着老公回国这个问题。我在这件事上的态度是夫妻二人绝对不可以分开。没人男人甚至女人可以抵挡住孤独及性的诱惑，即使自认为能的，也只是还没遇到够级别的。我对老公说，要么一起回去，要么不回去，只是回国几乎就不可能再回到美国了。思量再三，老公最先决定先两头跑，一年一到两次，每次最长四周。经过三年以后，他现在还是两头跑，他向我交实底了：要是真的回去半年，我真的不敢保证我不出轨。
我真的觉得没有什么比一家人在一起更重要。如果问一个男人，是愿 意有个百万年薪的工作，但必须和老婆 离婚，还是愿意只有十万年薪，但全家人在一起。对一些夫妻恩爱的男人来说，会选 哪一个呢？

[brokendream]

Thanks for everybody's suggestions. Now things have turned around. The girl now decided to leave because she didn't see the future of a second wife. Hubby feels miserable. But I hope he will feel better with passing time. I was planning to leave after my kid going to college. Now, I will treasure the second chance with my hubby. Hope his heart will be totally back soon and hope our love will be stronger after this. Of course, they could still go back together. Well.... Thanks again for all your kind words!

[红箫]

谢谢江河妞妞和各位诚挚的关心。

[江河妞妞]

To:红箫大姐。我说这些绝对没有冒犯你或者你老公的意思，纯粹是个人意见，仅供你作为反面意见参考。

我看了你老公跟你的msn对话，有几个感觉不吐不快。1。 他对控制自己在国内不出轨没有绝对信心，因为他一直在要求你对他有信心。一个人自己对自己都没信心，怎么能等到别人的信任？所以我认为他出轨只是个时间早晚问题，关键在于他什么时候遇到能让他真正动心的又真心爱他不求名分的女孩。当然，假如这个女孩一直不出现，他还是会对你专一的。2。他对出轨的定义和你的不一样。你认为跟别人上床就是出轨，但是他肯定认为肉体的出轨不算背叛，只能是逢场作戏。其实每个男人出轨的时候都是这么自我欺骗并且欺骗老婆。比如，他们会说，我心里只爱你一个，可是那个女人太主动勾引我，我一点不爱她，我甩不掉。其实真相正好相反。你一定要跟他沟通清楚，肉体的出轨也是背叛。

你对你们的感情简直是盲目自信，这一点很危险。一般老公出轨，他的朋友们都会帮他瞒着老婆。老婆往往是最后一个知道的。有点紧惕意识，对维持你们的婚姻爱情有好处。不要因为老夫老妻而疏于打扮自己，时刻保持爱情的新鲜感，让你老公觉得你年轻貌美独自在美国追求者如云才是让他对你专一的必要条件。这样他就会经常回美国看着你，而且就算在国内也时刻担心你跟别的男人跑了，哪有时间精力在国内花？说不定国内公司关掉，回来守着老婆了。对男人而言，得不到的永远是最好的，你对他若即若离，他反而会对你在乎得要命。假如你整天不打扮，就算你为家里牺牲自己的事业，生儿育女，做出在大的贡献，他也不在乎。

一个男人为了自己所谓的事业回中国，留下老婆子女孤苦伶仃在美国，怎么看都挺自私的。他怎么不为你和孩子着想呢？感情是要双方都付出的，一方付出太多，总归不长久。

我说话直了点，希望你不要介意。衷心希望你们幸福。

[江河妞妞]

Why hasn't anyone here suggested Sister Brokendream with this option: divorce with the man who betrayed you and your 17-year marriage, and start you new life happily? I know it is much easier to say than to do, but if you don't divorce, how could he know what a treasure he has once abandoned for some rubbish? If you don't break up with your past, how can you get fully prepared for the future happiness in life? You are in USA and you got plenty of chances to meet other men who treat you as the most valuable person in the world and will never betray you.

Time will cure all the woulds. Be strong. Be calm. Kick the asshole out of your life. Be prepared for someone who really cares for you.

Sorry, I might be too radical. But I will never forgive my husband if he sleeps with other woman.

Alternatively, imagine if you had a lover in US, will your husband be struggling in how to defend you marriage and get your lover away? I guess not.Most probably he will divorce with you for our unloyalty. So what? Do the same thing to him and get this junk totally out of your life.

All the best.

[brokendream]

Thanks for all your suggestions. All has been tried. But when a person is in love passion, being rational is very hard. He said he will never give me up, but ...... Well, the best I am hoping for is that time will make the passion go away for both of them. The girl needs to plan for her future too. I hope one day she will realize that it is not in her best interest to keep going like this. Just hope it will not come too late when my heart is dead.
红箫, I really hope you will be mentally prepared if something happens. Love is very beautiful and vulnerable, don't test it. When every body before you broke theirs, it is not wise to test yours again to see if it breaks. The world is not built for dreamers. Don't hang your love on the thread of luck. If your love is so important to you, then pamper it and nurture it, don't torture it. Sincerely wish you and your hubby all the best!

[红箫]

hi,asigngirl说的对，事情已经发生了，心碎、心痛都于事无补，挣扎着也要站起来，做点什么。尽量冷静地跟LG做一次交流，给她时间让他想清楚一些问题，如果今天他是一个没有海龟光环的普通打工仔，也没有钱，她会爱他吗？如果今天没有了一个健康的身体，她能无怨无悔的照顾他么？如果他们今天的爱情真的走进婚姻，他有信心17年后会比你们现在的婚姻更美好？他能做到丢下你们的孩子，自己幸福的去生活吗？想清楚总得有个了断，鱼和熊掌不可能兼得。你的冷静和宽容，会让他做出正确选择的，为你祈福！

[asiangirl]

To brokendream,
建议你可以安排一些家庭旅游,cruises,欧洲,夏威夷等,一来让你LG有更多的机会享受天伦之乐,父亲和孩子的这种感情很容易将天平倾向于你.二,让他的LOVER知道,真正有档次的享受是属于你的,让她难受,知难而退,要知道许多MM说不在乎你LG离不离婚,但内心是存有幻想的.或者说她觉得能夺人之爱是很虚荣的一件事.反正要让她知道你LG爱你远超过她.她不过是过路风景而已.千万不要轻易言放弃,那正是她的LOVER所期待.三,不管发生什么,这些家庭旅游也会让自己身心放松,留下美好回忆.
祝你好运.记住,浪子回头金不换,对于感情深厚的夫妻,做妻子的宽容一点,会让LG更加珍惜的

[brokendream]

Thanks for sharing!
With tear I finished reading. It feels like my hubby talking with me before. Until this day, I can’t understand why suddenly everything has changed. What should I do to not push him away? Let him keep the affair going and hoping for the best? It is so hard to keep being positive and happy while knowing your hubby is with the other girl at the exactly moment. I know I should just close my eyes and pretend everything is just fine, but when your hubby’s every action reminds you how much he cares about the other person, your heart just breaks into pieces. I am allowing them to continue right now, but I don't know how long I can stay strong before breaking down. Again, thanks for sharing, wish you all the best!