When Mommy was Sad

Last Saturday, I learned the results of my father's first post surgery check up and it was nothing I expected. The tumor has grown another three center meters in little over a month and it is getting to close to the porta area that the doctor pretty much gave up.

I was in a complete shock as just six weeks ago we were told the surgery was successful and we were all very happy about it. I was mad at the doctor for not letting us know that he already found the cancer cell near the porta area during the last surgery and because of the danger involved in "touching" the cell in that area, he didn't do anything about it. Had we known about this, we would have had my father's check up done earlier. I was even more upset about the fact that without consulting us first, the doctor told my father right in front of his face that there is not much he can do and if things don't go well he may only have two or three months left. To say something like that may be nothing for a doctor who sees life and death everyday but it was just too cruel for my father to hear who still has the hope that he can fight this thing much longer.

I was so upset about this news that I couldn't sleep until 4 or 5 o'clock that night. After I got up the next morning, I was not in the mood to do anything, not even to eat. I sat on the sofa and just fell into a trance.

I was not sure whether Daddy had told Olivia about what happened to her Wai Gong. But after she saw me sitting on the sofa like that, she came up to me and asked: "Mom, are you sad because of Wai Gong?"

Her simple question triggered my emotion, I nodded and tears started to run down my cheeks and I could not stop. I kept on thinking about what my sister told me how dumbfounded my poor father was when the doctor gave him the "death sentence" right in front of his face while he was not prepared at all. And how the devastated news has put his spirit into rock bottom that he sounded like a completely different person compared to six weeks ago when I accompanied him for his last surgery. I know news like this will eventually come but why he has to know about it? why it has to be so cruel!

Seeing me started to cry, Olivia sat on the arm rest of the sofa, leaned towards me, wrapped her arms around my neck and laid her face against mine. "It's okay. It's okay." She kept on saying. "Every little thing can die. It's okay." she tried to comfort me. I think she meant to say: "Everything will die one day, even little things." She was not as emotional as she has only seen my parents a couple of times in her life.

The word "die" triggered more tears. Olivia stood up and went to the kitchen. She filled a glass of water and even remembered to put it into the microwave to warm it up as I normally drink hot water when I don't feel well. She handed me the water, went to get a tissue box and put it on my knees, then sat down and hugged me again putting her face against mine. She didn't say a word but I knew she was telling me: "I feel your pain, mom and I am here for you."