这天开始的时候很普通。
早上 4 点 50 分起床，敷上面膜，喝了一杯柠檬水，做了半个小时的瑜伽。
五点半的时候走上楼，盘腿坐在冥想垫子上，与 Dr.Joe Dispenza 一起度过了20分钟，恬恬正在柔软蓬松的毯子里半睡半醒。
然后下楼去，在蹦床上跳了 10 分钟，拿着一个8磅重的哑铃来加强手臂肌肉。同时观看了自己精心制作的 《2021心灵电影》和回忆录频。
早上 6 点 10 分，来到电脑前。 今天是40 天 40 次写作中的一天，题目是“动物”，我写了关于一只臭鼬的早期记忆，它吃了我叽叽叫的黄羽毛小鸡，在 7 岁的我的眼中和心里，它应该死去。
半小时后，一只早起的鸟儿开始唱歌，这时我从书页上抬起头来。 透过两扇拱形的窗户，我看到一丝朝阳从地平线上升起。 来自后院的一个美人鱼和两个跳舞女孩的女神雕像的影子，从黑暗中开始在我眼前浮现。
当橙色的光线开始一寸一寸地驱散乌云。我深吸一口气，将双臂伸过头顶。 清晨的鸟儿在欢呼。
我渐入禅境。
然后，当我低头看屏幕时，突然变了。 我的笔记本电脑上弹出一句话：此设备上没有剩余空间。
心中顿时一阵悸动。这是什么意思？ 我要等锡源醒来请他帮忙。 这时我却注意到右肩有些紧张。
点击忽略，继续写了一个小时。
当锡源起床时，他需要出门修眼镜，我只好叫恬恬下楼来帮忙。她熟练地点击了一些按钮并打开了一个窗口，让我删除大容量的文件以释放更多的空间。
花了大约一个小时浏览列表并删除文件，随后发现Dropbox上的文件也同时被删除了。我一直使用Dropbox作为备份解决方案，这样就不会丢失任何东西，可现在备份文件不见了!
“亲爱的你看，这是怎么回事？”我感到沮丧和失败。
研究了几分钟后，恬恬耸了耸肩膀随意地回道：“我不知道。”
“你能帮我想清楚吗？” 我试图保持冷静来回应她无所谓的态度。
“等爸爸回来后，我们一起做。他知道的可能比我多。”出乎意料的是，她坐在客厅的地毯上，开始了她的750块金鱼拼图，完全不理会我已经不耐烦的声音。
随着内心的挫败感不断增加，我提醒自己再深吸一口气，并觉察到自己的旧触发点出现了：在科技面前感觉自己很愚蠢。
恬恬很聪明，她不用多久就会搞明白。可为什么她不能现在帮我？但我忍住了，什么也没说。
这时我注意到冰箱门上的登登每周积分图表。
“登登，你能下来吗？” 我按下墙上的对讲机按钮。
此时是中午12点半，他手里端着一小盘蒸饺和一个蒙古包，匆匆下楼。
“我们家的饮食规则是什么？” 我指了指他手里的食物。他知道不能在楼上吃饭。
“好的！好的！” 他显然是为了尽快回到他正在做的事情上。
今天的这种做法是怎么回事？ 我努力保持冷静，深吸一口气，压下心中的烦躁。 “你能告诉我这周怎么会有额外的136分吗？” 我指的是积分系统，可以让他用积分换取视频游戏时间。
我以为他会很快给我解释的，关于如何计算分数，然后他立刻回到他的事情上。
“你是什么意思？！” 他严厉地扬起眉毛。
我又解释了一遍，尽量保持耐心。
“我不知道！！” 他开始在厨房里大喊大叫。
他的态度让我崩溃。他像一个三岁的孩子一样尖叫、哭泣和跺脚，然后我开始像他一样大喊大叫。
看着自己内心的愤怒在上升。就像一个房间着火了，速度如此之快。 不知不觉中，大火吞噬了我。
“你不在乎？ 好的！” 我从冰箱上把图表撕成碎片，这是我以前从未做过的事，连自己都感到惊讶。而恬恬一直坐在她的地毯上玩她的金鱼拼图，没有被打扰。
“天啊，妈妈！你脾气暴躁!” 他冷笑一声，跺着脚回到楼上。
我冲出后门，穿过水池，冲下石阶，在最后一级台阶上坐下。 然后泪流满面，觉得内心如此渺小，对他最后的话深感惭愧。
怎么了我？为什么还对他发脾气？
保持美丽状态的呢？ 高我在哪里？ 天使在哪里？
哦，关键问题是什么？
就是：恩赐是什么？ 我听到自己的回答。
不，我只想哭！！我的另一个声音喊道。
感到如此多的情绪碰撞在一起，就像巨大的海啸，甚至无法描述。于是我放开了手，哭得像个三岁小孩。
几分钟后，我感到情绪的海洋随着眼泪的流出而离开了我。
我想起自己内心深处的核心词：大自然！
于是从台阶上站起来，开始在草地上行走。我注意到游泳池后面的石墙上长着一株小杂草。
我开始把它们一个接一个地拔出来。 这并不难。 但令我吃惊的是，除了杂草，还长出了可怕的长根，它们仍然紧紧抓住泥土块。 那株小小的野草，只有几片叶子，大半个身体都藏在石缝里。 这就是它们在裂缝深处获取营养的方式。
我们的愤怒是一样的吗?表面上触动我们的事情通常有一个根深蒂固的原因。孩子们对父母的充分尊重深深植根于我的文化和信仰体系中。正是这种偏差引发了这样的愤怒和痛苦。
迈着轻快的脚步我回了屋子。恬恬还在地板上拼图，一条美丽的金鱼已经呈现出来了。 拿出自己的宣泄日记，记录下对刚刚过去的痛苦经历的身体感觉。这时我注意到最后一条记录是 2021 年 1 月 10 日，写着“刚刚对登登发脾气”。 那是六个多星期前的事情。
哇，六个星期！ 这是我和登登之间最长时间的和平。自己笑了笑。
后来在饭桌上，锡源帮忙开启了妈妈与儿子晨战的对话（我提前和老公聊过）。 恬恬让登登明白了，妈妈是一位想帮助她孩子的队友。
完成所有厨房杂务后，登登来到我的房间，盘腿坐在柔软的羊毛地毯上。 我们角色扮演了如何正确回答妈妈的问题。 他高兴地离开了，我感到很幸福。
今天又是美好的一天。它以一个美丽的音符结束。
What are you afraid of?
I am afraid of dying with the music still left in me.
I am afraid of losing my center and forgetting who I am.
I WAS afraid of getting lost, which I did yesterday.
It started as a regular day.
I got up at 4:50 a.m., put on a facial mask, drank a glass of lemon water and met with Adrianne for half an hour on the yoga mat with my iPad and AirPods.
5:30 a.m. I walked upstairs, sat crisscrossed on my meditation pillow and spent 20 minutes with Dr. Joe Dispenza with Serena half-sleeping in her fluffy blanket.
I then came downstairs and jumped on my rebounder for 10 minutes, while watching my well-crafted 2021 Mind Movie and my memoir frequency video, with an eight-pound dumbbell to strengthen my arm muscles at the same time.
Promptly at 6:10 am, I sat down at my computer. Today’s writing prompt from 40 days 40 writes was ‘Animal’, so I wrote about an earlier memory of a skunk who ate my chirping yellow-feathered chicks and deserved to die in my 7-year-old’s eye and heart.
Half an hour later, an early bird started to sing and that’s when I looked up from the page. Through the two arched windows, I saw a hint of morning sun come up from the horizon. Mysterious shadows of the feminine statues, one mermaid and two dancing girls in the backyard, started to appear out of the darkness in front of my eyes.
I took a cleansing breath and stretched my arms overhead when the orange light began to lift the grey clouds inch by inch. The morning birds cheered her on.
I was in a Zen place.
Then everything changed when I looked down at my screen. A sentence popped up on my laptop: No space left on this device.
There was an immediate disturbance in my mind. What does it mean? I will ask Samuel to help me when he wakes up. I noticed the tension in my right shoulder.
I clicked ignore and carried on writing for another hour.
When Samuel got up, he had to leave to get his glasses fixed so I called for Serena to come downstairs and help instead. She expertly clicked on some buttons and opened a window for me to delete big files of documents to free up more space.
I spent the next hour or so going through the list and deleting files, but then I discovered files were getting deleted from my Dropbox at the same time. I had been using Dropbox as a backup solution so nothing would get lost, but now my backup documents were gone!
I was getting frustrated and feeling defeated. “Honey? Look, what’s happening?”
After studying for a few minutes, “I don’t know.” Serena casually announced, lifting a shoulder.
“Could you please figure it out for me?” I tried to stay calm in response to her no-big-deal attitude.
“Later. After Dad comes back, we’ll do it together. He probably knows more than me.” Unexpectedly, she sat down on the living room floor rug and started to work on her 750-piece puzzle of a goldfish, ignoring the impatience in my voice.
With my internal frustration growing, I reminded myself to take another deep breath and noticed an old trigger coming up: feeling stupid around technology.
She is brilliant. It won’t take her long to figure it out at all. Why can’t she help me now? But I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything.
Then I noticed Norden’s weekly point chart on the refrigerator door.
“Norden, could you please come down?” I pressed the intercom button on the wall.
It was half-past noon, he came downstairs hastily, with a small plate of steamed dumplings and a go-yurt in his hand.
“What's our house rule of eating?” I pointed to the food in his hand. He knew better than to eat upstairs.
“OK! OK!” He clearly wanted to get back to whatever he was doing, fast.
What’s up with this attitude today? I tried to stay calm, took a deep breath and pushed down my annoyance. “Could you please show me how there is an extra 136 points for this week?” I was referring to our point system that lets him exchange points for video game time.
I thought it would be a quick explanation for him to tell me the calculation, then he could go back to his routine and me, mine.
“What do you mean?!” He raised his eyebrow harshly.
I explained again and tried to be patient.
“I don’t know!!” He started to shout––in my kitchen.
His attitude was my breaking point. He was screaming, crying and stomping like a three-year-old so I started to yell back like him.
I watched my internal anger rise. Like a room catching ablaze, so fast. Before I knew it, the fire consumed me.
“You don’t care? Fine!” I tore the chart from the fridge and shredded it to pieces, which I have never done before and surprised even myself. All the while Serena sat on her rug doing the puzzle with her golden fish, not being bothered.
“Geez, mommy has some anger issues!” He sneered and stomped back upstairs.
I stormed out of the back door, crossed the pool, rushed down the stone steps and sat down on the last step. Then I burst into tears, feeling so small inside. I was deeply ashamed of his last words.
What is happening to me? Why am I still losing my temper with him?
What about staying in a beautiful state? Where is my higher self? Where are the angels?
Oh, what is my primary question?
It is: What is the gift? I heard myself answer.
No, I just want to fucking cry!! My other voice shouted out.
I felt so many emotions crashing against each other like the huge wave of a tsunami I couldn’t even begin to describe. So I let go and cried like a three-year-old.
A few minutes later, I felt the ocean of emotions leaving me along with the outpouring of tears.
I started to remember my center word: nature.
So I got up from the steps and started to walk on the grass in my light purple slippers that were passed down from my daughter. I noticed a small weed growing on the stone wall behind our pool. I began to pull them out, one by one. It wasn’t hard. But I was surprised when, along with the weeds, out came horrendously long roots still grasping onto clumps of dirt. That tiny little weed, just a few leaves, was hiding most of its body buried in the slits of the stones. That is how they get their nutrients, deep down beneath the cracks.
Is our anger the same? Something that would trigger us on the surface usually has a much deep-rooted cause. My children’s full respect for a parent is deeply rooted in my culture and my belief system. It was the deviation that triggered such anger and pain.
I walked back to the house with light steps. Serena is still on the floor and her goldfish is coming together so beautifully. I got my swamp journal out and recorded my body sensation of this just-passed suffering experience. I noticed the last entry was January 10, 2021, and I had written, I just lost my temper with Norden. That was just a little over six weeks ago.
Wow, six weeks! That was the longest peace Norden and I ever had. I smiled.
Later, at the dinner table, Samuel helped to initiate the conversation of Mommy and son’s morning battle (I talked to my hubby ahead of time to brainstorm). Serena helped Norden to understand that Mommy is a teammate who wants to help her children.
After completing all his kitchen chores, Norden came to my room and sat crossed-legged on the soft sheep rug. We role-played how to answer Mommy’s questions properly. He left happy and I felt blessed.
It started as a beautiful day. It ended on a beautiful note.
So what am I afraid of?
I am afraid of dying with music still left in me.
I am afraid of losing my center and forgetting who I am.
But I am not afraid of getting lost because I will always find my way.
Love,
WeiLi
丽丽查一下你的QQH，谢谢