**白驹过隙**
即兴曲
LUCY:
Excuse me a moment, Charlie Brown, but I was wondering if you'd mind answering a few questions.
CHARLIE BROWN:
Certainly, Lucy.
LUCY:
Well, I'm conducting a survey to enable me to know myself better, and first of all I'd like to ask: on a scale of zero to one hundred, using a standard of fifty as average, seventy-five as above average and ninety as exceptional, where would you rate me with regards to crabbiness?
CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, Lucy, I...
LUCY:
Your ballots need not be signed and all answers will be held in strictest confidence.
CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, still, Lucy, that's a very difficult question to answer.
LUCY:
You may have a few moments to think it over if you want, or we can come back to that question later.
CHARLIE BROWN:
I think I'd like to come back to it, if you don't mind.
LUCY:
Certainly. This next question deals with certain character traits you may have observed. Regarding personality, would you say that mine is A forceful, B pleasing, or C objectionable? Would that be A,B, or C? What would your answer be to that, Charlie Brown, A,B, or C, which one would you say, hmm? Charlie Brown, hmm?
CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, I guess I'd have to say forceful, Lucy, but...
LUCY:
"Forceful." Well, we'll make a check mark at the letter A then. Now, would you rate my ability to get along with other people as poor, fair good, or excellent?
CHARLIE BROWN:
I think that depends a lot on what you mean by "get along with other people."
LUCY:
You know, make friends, sparkle in a crowd, that sort of thing.
CHARLIE BROWN:
Do you have a place for abstention?
LUCY:
Certainly, I'll just put a check mark at "None of the above." The next question deals with physical appearance. In referring to my beauty, would you say that I was "stunning," "mysterious," or "intoxicating"?
CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, gee, I don't know, Lucy. You look just fine to me.
LUCY:
"Stunning." All right, Charlie Brown, I think we should get back to that first question. On a scale of zero to one hundred, using a standard of fifty as average, seventy-five as...
CHARLIE BROWN:
I... remember the question Lucy.
LUCY:
Well?
CHARLIE BROWN:
Fifty-one?
LUCY:
Fifty-one is you crabbiness rating for me. Well that about does it. Thank you very much for helping with this survey, Charlie Brown. Your cooperation has been greatly appreciated.
CHARLIE BROWN:
It was a pleasure Lucy, any time. Come on Snoopy.
LUCY:
Oh, just a minute, there is one more question. Would you answer "Yes" or "No" to the question: "Is Lucy Van Pelt the sort of person that you would like to have as president of your club or civic organization?"
CHARLIE BROWN:
Oh, yes, by all means, Lucy.
LUCY:
Yes. Well thank you very much. That about does it, I think. (Charlie Brown and Snoopy begin to leave. Snoopy stops and make the sound of a bomb dropping and blowing up.) WELL, WHO ASKED YOU! Now let's see. That's a fifty-one, "None of the above," and... Schroeder was right. I can already feel myself being filled with the glow of self-awarness. (SALLY enters.) Oh Sally, I'm conducting a survey and I wonder if...
SALLY:
A hundred and ten, C, "Poor," "None of the above," "No," and what are you going to do about the dent you made in my bicycle! (Sally storms off.)
LUCY:
It's amazing how fast word of these surveys gets around. (Linus enters.) Oh Linus, I'm glad you're here. I'm conducting a survey and there are a few questions I'd like to ask you.
LINUS:
Sure, go ahead.
LUCY:
The first question is: on a scale of zero to one hundred, with a standard of fifty as average, seventy-five as above average and ninety as exceptional, where would you rate me with regards to crabbiness?
LINUS:
(He laughs.) You're my big sister.
LUCY:
That's not the question.
LINUS:
No, but that's the answer.
LUCY:
Come on, Linus, answer the question.
LINUS:
Look, Lucy, I know very well that if I give any sort of honest answer to that question you're going to slug me.
LUCY:
Linus. A survey that is not based on honest answers is like a house that is built on a foundation of sand. Would I be spending my time to conduct this survey if I didn't expect complete candor in all the responses? I promise not to slug you. Now what number would you give me as your crabbiness rating?
LINUS:
Ninety-five. (She punches him very hard.)
LUCY:
[NO decent person could be expected to keep her word with a rating over ninety.] It's a womans prerogative to change her mind. Now, I add these two columns and that gives me my answer. There, it's all done. Now, let's see what we've got. It's true. I'm a crabby person. I'm very crabby person and everybody knows it. I've been spreading crabbiness wherever I go. I'm a super crab. It's a wonder anyone will still talk to me. It's a wonder I have any friends at all... or even associates. I've done nothing but make life miserable for everyone. I've done nothing but breed unhappiness and resentment. Where did I go wrong? How could I be so selfish? How could...
LINUS:
What's wrong, Lucy?
LUCY:
Don't talk to me, Linus. I don't deserve to be spoken to. I don't deserve to breathe the air I breathe. I'm no good, Linus. I'm no good.
LINUS:
That's not true.
LUCY:
Yes it is. I'm no good, and there's no reason at all why I should go on living on the face of this earth.
LINUS:
Yes there is.
LUCY:
Name one. Just tell me one single reason why I should still deserve to go on living on this planet.
LINUS:
Well, for one thing, you have a little brother who loves you. (Lucy is silent for a minute and then burst in to tears... sobbing!!)
Every now and then I say the right thing.
LUCY:
Excuse me a moment, Charlie Brown, but I was wondering if you'd mind answering a few questions.
