Choose Strong
For Tim.
My cousin met me at the airport wearing a mask and handed me one right away:
"It's not for the PM 2.5. It's the virus." He looked serious as I was cavalier.
Wuhan was too far away in my mind and I thought people up north were over-
reacting. I didn't start to pay attention until the next afternoon when Mr.
Zhao broke the news that checkpoints were set up at a nearby village where two
laborers returning from Hubei were showing symptoms.
But I felt peaceful now that in the U.S. we had moved to the new home.
Everyone's commute was more than halved. Whatever work that was left, mom and
Tim could handle. I had given Tim more time than my dad gave me when I was young
and my marriage, I believed, had been better than his. So I felt no guilt. I did
not worry about delay, quarantine, or even catching the virus myself.
I did not brood on dad's health, either. Since turning 80 last year, he showed
symptoms of Parkinson's disease, shaking, drooling, and having a hard time
chewing solid foods when I visited in Sep. He was hospitalized three times in
2019. Recently, thanks to Mr. Zhao's ingenuity, dad's diet improved
dramatically. He now had three meals a day of blended vegetables, eggs, meat,
protein powder, and other ingredients. His drooling stopped and shaking lessened
and he moved much better.
On my side, I felt I had done all I could to revive his animal spirits. But at
this stage, dad had become even more of a man of habits. He would get up in the
morning, have breakfast, watch TV while lying on his sides, nap, lunch, watch
TV, nap again, have supper, watch more TV, and sleep. The next day was the same
drill. When the weather was good, he would take a walk holding to a wheelchair
with the Zhaos.
Dad was much more reticent during this visit and I argued with him only once. He
read the TaoTeChing when I told him that I discovered grandpa's name in it and
the ancient text 唐雎不辱使命 * when I told him Tim was learning it in Chinese school.
I did worry about the Zhaos, however. Mr. Zhao was hospitalized for cerebral
infarction in Nov, a clear case of the disease of affluence caused directly by
his lifestyle. I told him I was more concerned with them than dad now.
The Zhaos, like many people with painful memories of shortage, could not stop
piling things up, including fat on their frames. Extremely frugal and greedy,
they saved things of even the slightest value, e.g., bottles, plastic bags,
scrap metal, card boards, etc. The rooms were dirty, messy, and full of stuff.
Mr. Maxwell once said that gaining weight reflected an accummulating mindset.
How right was he!
Mr. Zhao proudly announced that he believed in nothing, when I asked about a
pendant featuring a coin-sized lotus-sitting Buddha carved out of jade, a gift
to him from his son, except that eating was better than starving. When I made
and offered coffee, he said no and added: "I've tasted enough bitterness in my
life" and recalled for the next 30 min the hard years of his childhood. Almost
everyone of dad's generation and many of mine had such stories.
For the past five years, they had boarded with dad and therefore spent very
little, and earned 5000 RMB a month, a comfortable package in a small town. Good
income, however, had not made them relax. Bickerings often bursted out between
them and among relatives, over money.
I understood. Most of their problems were out of fear. While government
employees were highly subsidized, healthcare was prohibitively expensive for
people at the bottom of the Chinese hierachy system. My country aunt told me
once that she did not want a physical checkup, not because she was perfectly
healthy, but she was afraid of what they would find out. She couldn't afford the
cost to fix the problems.
They had the power and didn't have to be afraid but they didn't know that. The
'Big Self' (大我) had crushed the 'Small Self' (小我) so thoroughly and systematically
that the people were not able to think their own thoughts. To them, sickness was
inevitable as the saying went: "Men feed on the five cereals and are bound to
get sick." (人吃五谷杂粮，哪有不生病的?) And therefore there was no point in trying
"too hard" or more likely at all to stay healthy. When one did get sick, ingesting
medicine or seeing the doctor to fix the symptoms were the answer. 'Self' did not play
a role, or bear any responsibility for that matter, in any of these.
Thousands of years of Confucian teachings had made sure that physical labor was
dispised by a laborer as much as by an elite. One morning, as I piled two
T-shirts, one technical shirt and a pair of running pants in the basin, Mr. Zhao
first offered having his wife wash them for me and then the washing machine. I
declined on the ground that sitting so much, I needed to move my body.
Taking care of dad required little physical work. The Zhaos spent most of their
time staring at screens and yet wouldn't miss a meal. Against my advice, they
couldn't resist white flour. Once, the wife tried to lose weight by aping me and
feeding only on nuts. She failed by eating so much of it. Over time, their
waists ballooned and health declined. Without the need to struggle for survival,
they started to kill themselves with food and inactivity.
Mr. Zhao and I agreed on one point, however, i.e., staying healthy was easier
said than done. Even when he understood completely everything I said, he
couldn't stop grazing, especially when so much foods were so available. Nor
could I five months ago but this time I did fine. Between great meals at
relatives and all the good stuff around me at dad's place, I never went to bed
with a full stomach.
I credited this accomplishment to my new habit of dictionary-reading. I would
assume a half-lotus position on bed, set the pages on my laps, and my mind would
board a magnificent frigate exploring the world through words for hours. It felt
like what meditation did for Buddha as in the following story.
Buddha was asked: “What have you gained from meditation?”
He replied: “Nothing.”
“However”, Buddha said, “Let me tell you what I lost:
anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age and death.”
The weather was extraodinarily warm for the Spring Festival. Everyday around
noon, I would haul my kettlebells out and do 20-30 reps of Surya Namaskar under
the pullup bar Mr. Zhao made for me in our small concrete yard. After 30min of
exercises, I would sweat and take off the outer garments and continue to do
hanging leg raises and pullups. Aside from intermittent fasting, this was what I
could do to show them my idea on how to live, I hope.
* 唐雎曰：“此庸夫之怒也，非士之怒也。夫专诸之刺王僚也，彗星袭月；聂政之刺韩傀(guī)也，白虹贯日；要离之刺庆忌也，仓鹰击于殿上。此三子者，皆布衣之士也，怀怒未发，休祲(jìn)降于天，与臣而将四矣。若士必怒，伏尸二人，流血五步，天下缟(gǎo)素，今日是也。”
Old habits die hard, and having been through famine, it is understandable that people don't want to refrain themselves from eating:)) But 衣穿七分暖，饭吃七分饱 always holds true. So your grandpa's name can be found in the last paragraph:) Have a great new week!