风华生日快乐！【囧囧有神】助兴《小城画师》by发飙 囧文by出世

折城北的花赠予城南的风华！风华生日快乐！年年十八！ 

我有歌但没囧文，刚好出世同学发来友情赞助的囧文一篇要求搭车给活动助兴（他有囧文却没有歌）。他也是英伦的小城画师，就是折了城北的花赠错了城南的她。

小城画师  翻唱：发飙

红尘客七七八 黄鹂叽叽喳 看小桥流水流到谁人家

听琵琶咿咿呀 燕子密密麻 小城作画又一轮冬夏

我折城北的花赠予城南的她 叹浮华不过一盏诗酒茶

我摘天外云霞绾在伊人长发 描一弯月牙诉漫漫牵挂

 

纳德的表白    文字：偶尔出世

 

海外求学那些年，有会错的意，进错的门，跨年晚会摸黑搂错的肩膀，再到后来工作中把给 girl friend 的消息发去Slack；和客户 zoom meeting 时私下和同事打字吐槽客户的口音但是忘记自己正在share screen，看着所有人的脸生无可恋地变绿再一个个像非诚勿扰里灭灯似的关掉了他们的摄像头；参加同事的婚礼走错了wedding hall 只因为两人 first name 一样，等到我和宾客已经熟得恨不得拜天拜地才发现走出来的新郎我压根不认识。。。

囧事如烟，酸甜苦辣咸，some led you think, some made you stink, some brought you laughter, some reminded you of someone.  

就挑一个记忆还算深刻的囧事吧。时间倒退十几年，回到那个纯真年代，容我稍微费一点笔墨慢慢说来。

 

背景

读书时候的好兄弟，是个 nerd，名 纳德。 

纳德的小甜心，名 艾美丽。

纳德的妹妹也在同一学校，名 纳英。性格乖张，是被她哥宠坏的主儿。

学校附近有一个 Riverbar Steakhouse & Grill, which was pretty much the go-to place for college kids to whisper sweet-nothings with their sweethearts or simply spend a gloomy afternoon.  The shop REALLY knew how to throw a party, especially the surprise party for young lovers.

 

风起

纳德，as nerdy as a human possibly can be，在学校第五年终于认识了他的 sweetheart。纳德爱到不行，准备赶在毕业季表白。我对于纳德比戈壁还荒芜的感情世界终于长出了一棵小草深感欣喜。于是策划这场世纪表白的任务当仁不让由我一手挑起。而 Riverbar 则是无二的选择。

话说那天我先用自己的名义和艾美丽约定了几天之后的时间。当天下午我去了餐厅，找到了熟识的经理，一番密谋，大功告成。主题主打 "浪漫"。  蛋糕，鲜花，confetti cannon 表白三大件一个也不能少。到时候三个服务生会隐蔽在餐厅的各处，只要看见一个女生款款入座，然后我一举手，他们就会如天神一般出现，把纳德和艾美丽用三大件包围起来。

"Let them drown in their love"，我和经理一边 high five 一边异口同声地说。

回去的路上我想象着纳德和艾美丽甜蜜的模样，自己都先醉了。

 

云涌

表白日那天有着英伦难得的好天气。纳德和我提前来到餐厅，经理和我默契地点头，顺着他努起的嘴唇，我隐约看见二楼loft，一楼的两个房门处均有人影浮动，想必就是那埋伏下的惊喜。经理悄悄又提醒我行动暗号 "after the girl is seated, raise your hand, surprise will come."

纳德紧张的看着我，我胸有成竹对他说 "everything goes as planned, pal, this is gonna be romantic, bloody romantic"。

趁着还有10来分钟，我踱步出门去抽烟，迎面却碰上了面色 grumpy 的纳英。

"What are you doing here?" 我和纳英同时发问。

"I had a bad day.  It's also my birthday, making that even worse"。 纳英说完就要进门。In that fraction of a second, my heart sank even though I did not realize what could go wrong, or precisely, by how much.

纳英夺门而入，一眼就看见了她哥。

"Hey, brother, why are you here? It's my birthday and I am all alone, don't you wanna buy me a cake or anything?" 

我赶紧向纳德摇头，and said to myself "oh dear God, do not let her sit, please do not".  Because 纳德 did not know this was one of the signals that would trigger my perfect plan.

But, a nerd is a nerd。纳德露出了他慈父一样的笑容，让纳英坐下，说 "of course I remember your birthday, sis"

我抬头往三处埋伏地点看去，我似乎看见了跃跃欲试的服务生马上就要端着三大件冲了出来。如果热锅上真有蚂蚁，在那个时刻我一定是最不幸的那一只，因为。。。因为我举起了手向他们摆了摆，仅仅是想让他们稍安勿躁。

The action is ON.

 

花开

说时迟那时快，三个身穿华服精心打扮过的服务生踩着风火轮，在就餐客人的一片艳羡声中出现在桌前。The timing could not be more accurate, exactly as planned.

犹如天宫赐福，三个服务生轮番掏出了法宝：

Waiter 1 – presented the cake to the table and said "this is the cake carefully chosen for you two".  Well, that's the cake I chose and I asked the cake maker to write "Today is about you" on the cake.

Waiter 2 – handed over the flower and said "this is the flower also carefully chosen for you". Well, that's the flower bouquet I chose for 艾美丽。

Waiter 3 – with the giant confetti cannon in hand and said "are you ready for the surprise? Let your party begin!" He then activated the confetti … Again, that's the confetti cannon I chose with my whole heart and half of 纳德's saving.

Without hesitance, the confetti cannon set off a magnificent burst of mesmerizing streams. The explosion of color put up a dazzling and beautiful show. The pieces of confetti fluttered and swirled in the air in a lovely slow motion, reflecting the ambient light and creating such an elegant atmosphere. 

I had to admit that was romantic, bloody romantic as I promised.

纳英和纳德明显被惊呆了，纳德似乎意识到了这三大件是我为他和艾美丽安排的，however what you expect a nerd could do to fix this。纳英则被感动到语无伦次，抓起了蛋糕糊在纳德的脸上，当然也没放过她自己。

第一次，面对温馨亲情我却心如死灰。

 

落英

纳英还在兴奋地绕着纳德嬉戏，吃瓜群众也群情激昂地把他俩围在了C位。我下意识地往门口看去，艾美丽不知何时已经站在门口，一只手扶着吧台似乎在抗衡她的体重，一只手捂住了嘴巴，我想她的嘴一定成了O型；再回头看场内，confetti pieces 正像四月的桃花儿一样美丽炫目地绽放，旋转着，慢慢缤纷落地。虽然我的大脑在飞速运转思考着对策，可那依然阻止不了我想起了《葬花吟》-- "花谢花飞花满天，红消香断有谁怜？"

我赶紧走上前，正待解释，餐厅的经理不失时机地出现在吧台，笑意盈盈大声说道："Isn't that romantic?  No lovebird leaves our shop disappointed !"

我夺路而逃。

 

余香

转眼经年，常因工作去往求学地，凡有可能则必与旧友相见。先是艾美丽和纳德，后来多了小纳德和小艾美丽。每每都会提及那个世纪表白。纳德还分毫不差地记得当年我夺路而逃之后第一时间给他发的短信 "Tell your girl this is a sibling prank went haywire, deal with it pal, God bless".  我一直没有追问纳德后来到底是如何解释的，a nerd is a nerd.

最后一次见到他们一家，只有艾美丽和纳德前来，旧日的默契里被我看出了今日的异样。纳德开口说道："umm, we decided to let go of each other to find peace but we still are friends." 

What surprised me the most was, well, I was not surprised, perhaps in my heart I always thought only an angel would marry him but Emily was no angel, not even a fallen one. 

他俩在我面前依然撒着不浓不淡的狗粮，如果我努力捕捉，还依稀看得见斑驳的爱恋。告别的时候和他俩拥抱，艾美丽在我耳边说 "Thanks for planning that date for us."

可以不爱，未必相杀。感恩那场遇见，心底可留余香。