提问：我怎样才能帮助受到虐待的女儿，姐妹或朋友？

                                 专家Lundy Bancroft谈如何帮助受虐妇女（译文)                                                                                 -----由“对家暴说不”群组义工小泥山翻译    

 如果您想为一个您所关心的受到虐待的妇女提供切实的帮助，请注意以下几条原则：

您的目的是要和施虐者完全相反

1. 施虐者：给她巨大的压力；而您应该：耐心。

请记住一个受虐者，她需要时间来理清她的思路来应付她的处境。不要让她依照您的时间表来决定何时对施虐者说不，离开他，给警察打电话，或其它任何您要她采取的对策。您要做的是，对于她何时采取行动的问题，尊重她自己的判断 – 这是施虐者从来不会做的事情。

2. 施虐者：贬低她；而您应该：平等对她。

避免居高临下，好为人师。专业人员，一样需要注意这一点，甚至更要小心。对一个受虐妇女，如果您表现得比她更聪明，更有智慧，她所经历的一切根本就不会发生在你自己身上，那您无意中就表明您比她高一等，而这恰好就是施虐者对她说的。请记住，行动比语言更有说服力。

3. 施虐者：认为他比她自己更加懂得什么是她的需要；而您应该：把她当作她自己生活的主宰。

不要以为你比她更清楚她需要做的事情。我曾经给过一些受虐妇女我以为正确的建议，后来却被证明在当时的情况下，其实非常糟糕。您要问她怎么样做最好，在不施加压力的情况下，提供建议，如果她认为有些行动不合适，尊重她的解释。不要命令她去做这做那。

4. 施虐者：控制谈话；而您应该：多听少说。

您可能很想向她证明他就是个垃圾，想分析他的动机，想把这本书的整章的内容都讲给她听听。但你要是说得太多，无意之中就显得你的想法比她的重要，而施虐者就是这样对待她的。如果您想让她知道，她的情感和观点是值得尊重的，那您就必须证明您尊重它们。

5. 施虐者：认为他有权控制她的生活；而您应该：尊重她自主的权利。

她有权作出和你的建议不同的决定，包括继续同施虐的伴侣生活，或分居之后回到他身边。对受虐妇女，如果你的行为显得好像她的生活属于你，那你就不能让她相信她的生活属于她自己。哪怕你不同意她的选择，你也要支持她。

6. 施虐者：以为他比她更懂得她的孩子和他们的需要；而您应该：把她看作是一个合格的，有爱心的母亲。

请记住，对受虐母亲的孩子，没有一个简单的办法来决定对孩子最好的选择。即使她离开施虐者，孩子的问题不见得就结束了。分居之后，施虐者有时会把孩子的问题弄得更加糟糕。除非您对她面临的各种复杂选择有一个切实深入的了解，否则您无法帮她选择如何做对孩子最好。

7. 施虐者：替她思考；而您应该：同她一起思考。

不要把自己当作教师和救世主。您要做的，是和她组成平等的相互尊重的团队。

请注意，和施虐者相反，并不表示处处和他说相反的话。如果他乞求她：“不要离开我，不要离开我，”而你在另一面一再强求：“离开他，离开他”，她就会觉得你和他一样，你们都在强迫她接受你们的选择。你们都没有问她那个把权力交还给她的问题：“你想怎么办？”


Topic：How to Support An Abused Woman

Question: How can I help my daughter, sister, or friend who is being abused?

If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind:
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YOUR GOAL IS TO BE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE ABUSER IS .
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1. THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely

SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police , or what-ever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgment regarding when she is ready to take action - something the abuse never does.



2. THE ABUSER: Talks down to her

SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.


3. THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for what certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don't tell her what to do.



4. THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations

SO YOU SHOULD: listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a "jerk" he is., to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feeling and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.



5. THE ABUSER: Believes he has the right to control her life

SO YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can't convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.



6. THE ABUSER: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over， and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.



7. THE ABUSER Thinks for her

SO YOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.

Notice that being the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean saying the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, "Don't leave me, don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering her with, "Leave him, leave him", she will feel that you are much like him; you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do. Neither of you are asking the empowering question, "What do you want to do?"