为男性受害者解读情感虐待(也建议女性受害者阅读)

来源：When Love Hurts: The Emotionally Abused Man by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

由 御树林枫 翻译

按："Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women," says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial." 对男性的家庭暴力与对女性的家庭暴力非常相似，会以肢体虐待、情感虐待、语言虐待或经济虐待为形式。 --- Jan Brown ，家庭暴力男性帮助热线执行理事和奠基人。

"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength," Brown says. "It's about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man." 无论你是受虐妇女还是受虐男人，家庭暴力不是在说身材大小、性别、力量；而是虐待、控制、强权和离开危险境地以及得到帮助。 ---- Jan Brown 。

情感虐待，也称感情虐待、心理虐待、精神虐待、情绪虐待。冷暴力是情感虐待的一种。

相信被记录下来的虐待关系经常是：男人打女人。社会上已经认识到有很多的女人在情感虐待男人。事实上，经常是被情感虐待的男人没认识到他的妻子或女友的行为是虐待。

他们用不同的字眼来描述这些行为： 挑剔、专横、难以取悦、固执己见、难相处、苛刻、过于好辩、“激昂的”或侵略性；然后他们总是这样解释：“她的童年时代很艰难，她被虐待过。”其实， 很多人拥有并不理想的人生的开端，但是他 / 她们却没有把这些带到成年的关系中去。

男人们已经被洗脑，认为女人无理性、喜怒无常、易激动、和 苛求 是正常的。 多数男人在女人“就是表达她们的感受”和“男人不擅长表达他们的感受” 的伪装下接受了这些行为，并且由此而感到不舒服。这是荒谬的。由于这是虐待，所以这些行为让男人不舒服；多数施虐女人最终也觉得不舒服。

男人，你需要觉醒，不要再自我蒙蔽这些明显的事实。如果你担心她会因为你细小错误而发疯，或只是因为她的坏心情而如履薄冰，那么你在经受情感虐待。如果无论你多努力地取悦她都无济于事，那么你在经受情感虐待。如果她常规地通过骂人和羞辱人来压制你、指责你或贬低你，那么你在经受情感虐待。如果她通过把你关在外面、不友好地冷落你或用拒绝性生活来控制你的行为，那么你在经受情感虐待。承认这件事不羞耻。事实上，是你的妻子或女友应当感到羞耻。

情感虐待象癌症一样吞噬你心灵，直至你感觉无力、无价值、焦虑和/ 或压抑。多数时间它一步，又进一步地发展，所以你没有察觉。你能把头几次的发脾气、情绪爆发和愤怒发作解释过去。因为你想取悦她，你很在意她的指责。为了让她回到有趣、甜蜜和有爱意的关系蜜月，你已经牺牲所有并且留下了很多难题。

她不是无时无刻地施虐。有时她是友好的。有时，她甚至做出非常友好的姿态让你说服自己：你们的关系不那么坏。施虐者的人格类型经常具有富有魅力和诱惑的一面。如果她总是很糟糕，你也不会和她在一起，是不是？她们美好的一面是能吸引人的。随着时间推移，美好逐渐消失，她们施虐的特征就占据了主导地位。

你不能搞定这些。你不能制止她。你不能使你们的关系好起来。你可以去接受世界上所有的治疗，并且阅读亚马逊上全部的《怎样理解女人》（ How to Understand Women ） 之类的书籍，但是你不能改变她的行为。为什么？

首先你的女友或妻子非常不可能认为她们的行为是虐待，因为“都是你的错”。最重要的是，她的虐待行为是她所获得的她想获得的方式。这是她已经学会的并且非常有效的技巧；即使她有所觉察，但对她而言，中断这技巧是极端困难的。一个施虐者的目的是控制权，并且控制你的方法就是通过情感虐待。

你不想承认你被控制或者被虐待？ 好，问自己以下问题：

· 你是否因为不想回家而在工作上花越来越多的时间？

· 你是否在停止与朋友和家人的联系？当你定期与他们交流，微笑着告诉他们一切都好时，你是否感觉堵心和喉头发紧？

· 你是否觉得你在等待“另一只鞋掉下来”？

· 你是否在通过书、电影或网络来躲避现实生活？

· 你是否在感觉羞愧、无价值、低自尊或情感麻木？

· 你是否有以下医生不能诊断的、类似“可能由压力引起的”症状：长期胃痛、头晕、头痛、消化问题、失眠或乏力。

· 你是否喝更多的酒或使用比平时更多的麻醉类药品？你是否在用这些方式麻痹自己，从而逃避或面对不愉快的现实？

· 你是否感觉自己不可爱？就象觉得自己有些不对窍，或者你很“糟糕”或“疯狂”？你是否担心如果你离开了你的伴侣就没人要了？

· 你是否有忧郁的症状，包括想自杀？

· 你是否在进行使自己会“意外”死亡的冒险活动，如乱开车、独自骑自行车穿越原始地带、去危险的社区、或者看都不看地在马路上行走？

如果你对多于一个的问题回答“是”，你很可能在承受情感虐待的影响。

即使没有成熟的人格障碍，多数有施虐特征女人（和男人）具有边缘型人格障碍 （Borderline Personality Disorder） ，有 表演型人格障碍（Histrionic Personality Disorder） 和 / 或自恋型人格障碍（Narcissistic Personality Disorder）的特征。这些精神状况都非常难以治疗。所有这三个类型都会是非常情感虐待的；她 / 他们都无法真正地换位思考，这对你来说不是一个好兆头。

你需要决定：是否余生就要被如此对待；或者，是否你还想要一个真爱和快乐的机会。 你也许应当去寻求某些正式帮助：

1 ．帮助恢复你的自尊和价值感。

2 ．懂得自己为什么会被这个女人袭击，这样你就不会最终处于另一个虐待关系。

3 ．学会一些行为技巧去对付这些行为。

4 ．帮助你决定是否要结束这种关系；如果你决定结束，支持你渡过难关。

Believe it. It happens all the time. The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.

They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with some excuse such as, “She had a really tough childhood. She was abused.” Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.

Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding. Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that a woman is ‘just expressing her feelings’ and men are uncomfortable with because ‘men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.’ This is ridiculous.  This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make most women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable because it’s abusive.

Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious. If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.

Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her. You’d give anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving and therein lies the problem.

She’s not abusive all the time. Sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.

You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?

First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break. The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.

Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?
• Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?
• Do you always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?
• Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?
• Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?
• Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”
• Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?
• Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?
• Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?
• Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?

If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often women (and men) with these traits either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat. All three can be extremely emotionally abusive types who are incapable of feeling true empathy, which does not bode well for you.

You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:

1. Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
2. Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
3. Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
4. Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.

[御树林枫]

回复秋谷的评论:
谢谢评论，感觉在你在“男女平等”和“男女价值”概念和理念上有不清楚的地方~~建议你阅读
新时代的女性主义
http://blog.wenxuecity.com/myblog/55837/201203/6029.html

赞同你的“处理家庭问题绝对不能炒，更不能为钱而吵架”观点。另外法律对犯罪有惩治和震慑作用~~

[秋谷]

家庭是不应讲道理是非的地方、是讲感情讲亲情的地方，家家都有一本难念的经，要念好它很难，但又要必须念好。靠法律不能解决感情问题，更不能解决亲情问题。处理家庭问题绝对不能炒，更不能为钱而吵架。阶级斗争不能解决国家社会问题，同样，家庭斗争不能解决婚姻问题家庭问题！

[秋谷]

人类社会的三元素是：男、女、钱。男人与女人，丈夫与妻子，父母与儿女，都离不开“钱”，都要处理好与“钱”的关系，否则都会出现各种问题……

[秋谷]

男女不平等，女男不平等，不论男女，那一方经济不独立，不能自力更生，不能自食其力，都是不行的！男的没有工作，不能自食其力，要依赖女方，那就受到女方的轻视，仅靠忍受、退让，没法维护夫妻关系，相反，男性强大而女性要依靠男性生存，给饭吃给衣穿也不行，必须自己工作做事情，有自己的一份收入。家务如何办？双方共同负担，共同尽责。是否应该如此？

[秋谷]

婚姻结合是自主的，而且原先关系也很好，父母亲也都尊重儿女的选择。探亲时一再嘱咐；家庭要和为贵，不能吵架，有事商量解决，亲情第一，孩子为重。家庭要好，务必重视互相关爱，共同尽责，精心经营。加拿大、美国都十分重视保护妇女，于是女方往往都很强势，而男方为维持家庭完整，为了孩子的成长，却往往无能为力……不知道如今女权是重的时代，如何使男女双方都能够进一步努力、辛苦经营，使自己的家庭成为“和谐家庭、美好家庭、快乐家庭、幸福家庭”？

[秋谷]

试问：如果夫妻双方已经40多岁，男人白天到公司上班，下班后又要做饭给妻子孩子吃，而且男人吃了饭之后还要到公司上班、继续与国内客户交谈生意，而女的只是接送孩子读书，什么家务也不做（由不会做到不做），却要控制男的钱财开支，女人却什么事都不会做，一味要求家庭财务平等，否则就以孩子和离婚威胁男人。这种行为属于什么？是否男人单方面以忍退让，只要求“家和”，就可以解决？怎样处理好男女的关系？

[小泥山]

回复大酱风度的评论:

做饭，收拾屋子，照顾孩子，这应该的夫妻共同的责任。如果她是全职主妇，我先问一下你，是否对她作为一个家庭主妇的人格给予了足够的尊重？是否对她的家务劳动给予了足够的尊重？

如果你是一个懂得尊重妻子的丈夫，而你无法同她平等交流的话，我建议你们一同去看专业的婚姻咨询。

[林韵]

真的学到了，其中很多内容不以为是情感虐待，真的是被洗脑了，谢谢翻译！

婚姻中的双方应该平等，相互尊重，任何一方强势，都不会幸福的

[大酱风度]

如果有女人整天在家里大喊大叫，特别是你需要休息的时候，睡觉的时候，就制造噪音。把饭做得基本不能吃，你不愿意吃什么，就做什么，把家里上百万买的房子弄得和猪窝是的。天天把孩子扔在家里，很晚不回来。

对这样的女人，该怎么办呢？

[conversation]

”男人们已经被洗脑，认为女人无理性、喜怒无常、易激动、和 苛求 是正常的。 多数男人在女人“就是表达她们的感受”和“男人不擅长表达他们的感受” 的伪装下接受了这些行为，并且由此而感到不舒服。这是荒谬的。“----------------------------------很多中国女人是这个样子的。无理取闹的太多了。她们就是施虐者！

[piao11]

替男性受害者顶一下。
林妹辛苦
谢谢林妹。