Darling you are never alone

I wrote my blogs in English to improve the writing skill. Also I mostly use a computer without Chinese software to write. Most importantly, I would like my daughter to be able to read them.

My daughter is the only child we have. She asked why we can’t give her an older sister at one time. She wanted an old sister to play and to blame when something gets broken. She feels she probably can still boss around as the teaching is always the elder one should be nice and helping the younger. She totally overlooks the fact that she would have to wear hand-me-downs if she was the 2nd daughter.  Luckily she is a very social kid and connects well with friends  They have so much to talk and share. I am amazed how much she is into the culture and trends when I mostly stay on the edge of mainstream. Still, I think that she may need more understanding and supporting mechanism as a girl growing up. In one fight we had, she screamed at me that I don't understand her because I am not a kid. Calmly, I told her that I understand her perfectly because I was young at one time but she does not understand me because she is not a mother yet. She has not told me so far that I am Chinese and she is American as the reason that I will never understand her. I fully see it coming in the future and am trying to be mentally prepared for it.

None of us wants to be the only one suffering from a problem. When we know others have the same issues, the difficulties are much more handable and the confusion is less concerning. I am hoping that these blogs I write now will be read by her in the future when she grows up and experience the ups and downs in life. She can draw more courage and confidence from my life when she reads her mother being passionate about life, persistent in pursing happiness, comfortable being non-perfect, having faith in time of confusion and fighting back depression to stand strong for the family. Hopefully, I will remain open minded and more wise through the ages. My thoughts will be the useful reference to her all the way through.

My daughter once asked me what happens to me if she dies early. Instead of running away from the uncomfortable topic, I told her that it would probably create a hole in my life as long as I live. I will always be wondering what if she is still around. Then I told her that it is more likely I will leave first and know that she will be strong and independent to continue the life. I hope she always remember I love her dearly. I would not want to leave her a hole when I pass away. I want to be supportive as much as I can and as long as I can.

 

Darling, you are never be alone. You will always be able to come home with these crumbs of my life I leave behind.