A Mom\'s Conversation With Her Kid on Two Sensitive Subjects

As a Mom, I never know when is the right time to talk to my kid about certain sensitive topics, like sex, smoking, drugs, body part, homosexuality, death...  In reality, these topics often come up in unexpected timing, catching me in such surprise that I felt like a deer caught in headlight in the first few incidents.  Overtime, I realize there was no formula, and we never know what to expect anyway.  I am listing two incidents here.
My conversation with Bobo about private body parts started way early when she was around three.  Bobo was in a Cathelic preschool.  That year, the whole catholic institution in US was under tremendous pressure with mounds of accusation of priest sexual abuses.  Our local archdiasese or maybe the national one too mandated all parents of kids attending catholic schools to watch a 30 minute educational video.  We all had to sign off after we watch it.  From the video, I was horrified to learn that we are to explicitly talk to our kids about their body parts.  They even told you literally how to say it, the p word and V word..  I got home, however awkwardly, I told Bobo the name of her body part, and told her these parts are private and no one should touch it beside Mom and Dad for the purpose of cleaning and maybe doctors when we are around for the purpose of checking her health.  If anyone did anything that's not comfortable to her, her first action should be a firm and loud "NO".  Language has power.  Do not under estimate it.  Use the "I" statement: I don't like it when you ...(do this).  Stop!  Stop it NOW!  If the offending party still did not respond, run and get an adult.  Alway communicate it to your parents.
To my surprise and later great relief and appreciation, Bobo actually got it.  She was very good at protecting herself early on.  She used No and I statement in playgrounds and fended off a lot fo annoyances.  Her teacher often commented how Bobo was small in size but holds her ground against kids of any size.  She does not get jerked around because she makes her message very clear. 
To a Mom's amusement and mixed feeling at times, Bobo is so good at this "I" statement, I often think she used it the most with me.  On holidays, when I tried to inflence what cloth she should wear; at stores when I tried to talk her into one toy instead of another (out of selfish concern of practicality), when I loose patience and raise my voice on her ever so slightly, she tells me no and make it loud and clear with her I statement. 
Bobo is a rule abiding kid who is watchful of her surroundings.  No one ever overpowers her, not even her teachers or any figure of authority.  She hold her belief and her ground at very young age.  One time, I left her with a long time friend.  The friend  and her husband wanted to drive down to a party in the next street because it was cold out.  Since it was such a short drive of less than a minute within their community, they wanted to take her without her car seat.  Bobo reminded them of her car seat.  After she realized that the friends' plan did not include the car seat, she refused to get on the car.   My friend ended up caving in to the firm request of the four years old. 
My Chinese upbringing often shows its footprint in my trying to influence Bobo's decision, even though I whole heartedly believe kids should be given opportunities to make decisions of their own.  In reality, I often don't even realize that I act against my blief by manipulating my influence in.  Bobo often staunchly points out my cheapish attempt and tells me to back off.  OK, to some I sounded like a pathetic Mom who is not in control and does not know how to act.  In reallity, I don't know a perfect Mom either.   Personally I do realize how part of my deep rooted Chinese upbringing are creeping into the way I handle things against my own current belief.  


I still have not talked to Bobo about Sex yet.  I don't know when that will creep up.  When the topic does come up, my strategy is to be open and matter of fact about it.  I saved up some educational graphics that I can share with her.  But untill she is ready, I don't want to break her innocense early either.
Smoking and drup education starts early in the States.  Bobo came home and told me "there is another meaning t drug, you know..." in her first grade.  In Kindergarden, she taught me one day: Fe-fa-fo-fun, smoking is really dumb."  School saved me those trouble.
Now into my second incident... On a very recent trip to the library, Bobo recognized a book on the shelf: and Tango Makes Three.  As I was grabbing it, I realized it's one of the featured books in the library's "free to read" campaign, protesting agaist books bans.  This book was banned in some areas of England.  The cover of the book has two adult penguins and one baby penguin on it.  I was not sure why there would be a ban on this.  Since Bobo said she liked this book and she read it before and wanted to read it again, I checked it out. 
From the back seat, Bobo read the book to me while I was driving.  It became clear to me that this book was about two male penguins falling in love in Central park and hatched an egg layed by another couple moved over by the keeper.  I explained to Bobo why I thought the book was banned and told her the concept of gays, people who fall in love with people of their own gender.  I told Bobo that some people think it is wrong, against nature and do not want their own kids be reading anything related to it.  Then came my last and some may say stupid comments: "so Bobo, some people think it is wrong to fall in love with people of your own gender.  I personally don't think so.  I think as long as people are treating each other nicely, with respect, out of love, they should be free to do whatever whey want.  What do you think?"
Bobo answered with a sigh, and a "you should know better" tone: "Now Mommy, what do you think?  Do you think it's approriate?  Do you really think it's appropriate?!"  Puzzled, and some tone, I thought.  "what do you mean?" 
" Do you actually think it's appropriate to ask me that question?!"  With confusion, I asked: you mean it's not appropriate for me to ask you that question because you are too young?"
"Of course.  I'm too young to answer that question.  It's like I'm asking you ..." blah blah, she is getting very good at making analogies nowadays to make her point. 


OK, she's got a point, I admit.  But I have a point too.  "Bobo, I admire the fact you know what feel right to you and what does not.  Please also understand the only reason I brought it up was because we were talking about the book and about why it was banned.  If it didn't feel comfortable to you to talk about this subject, I will respectfully stop and move on to something else. "




So one never knows  the exact timing, but the kids probably know and will tell us.  I can't help but admire this generation of Americans who are so aware of how they feel at such an tender age.  I remember reading statement in my middle school: one of the hardest thing to do in life to know oneself. One of the highest goal in life is to know oneself.  I was in my teenager years when I first read this and didn't think much of the statement.  I didn't have enough life experience to understand the depth of this statement.  Now in my late thirties, I realized how much of my struggle in life was due to not knowing myself.  There are so many noises in life: to please one's parents and teachers, to strive to the standards of the community, to adhere to a culture heritage, to satisfy our own vain pursuit, to stride in the name of marriage or social norm or perceived social responsibility...  On this front, Bobo has a much better headstart than I did.  I hope through all her teenage years and beyond, she will keep her head cool and maintain this clear insight, honesty and respect to her true self.