正文
The email below was from a good girlfriend of mine, actually, she's a friend to my husband as well. The email was addressed to both of us. With her permission, I post it here anonymously.
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Hi,
I know everyone was trying to throw me a life line last year, I just couldn't really take it. I had to go through the pain and suffering, I had to let myself drown a little. It was absolutely necessary. I had to learn.
I went to therapy a few times, until it wasn't financially viable, so I had to do a lot of soul searching myself.
What I realized is the following:
1) Deal with problems right away, no matter how your partner makes you feel. Tell him/her to work with you until you can work out a compromise. Don't walk away from a problem, no matter how difficult it can be. And if they make you feel like shit, and insist on doing it their way, are they really right for you? Do they really respect you? Dictatorship or bullying is not allowed.
2) Create a nurturing environment so your partner feel he/she can communicate with you openly all the time, no matter how uncomfortable the situation maybe.
3) Accept criticism. We are not perfect ourselves.
4) Forgive.
5) Ask for forgiveness.
6) Listen to your own intuition.
7) When your emotions fail you, as they often do, use logic.
8) You both have to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
9) Have the courage to walk away when it is not worth it any more because you have done all you can with a clean conscience, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how your partner makes you feel, how old you are, whether you can ever have children any more. Do it.
My dear friends, I had to learn this the hard way. I can't blame anyone for it. I could say, you know my parents never taught me to love myself, they didn't care, they made me feel small, they beat me, they were mean to me, so on and so forth.
You know what, I am an adult, no excuses. Maybe it has taken me longer to learn it than others, but I still had to learn it.
A friend of mine, a father with two young daughters, a good father by the way. He is a good father because he tries to teach his kids, and his wife as well, how to work out problems with their friends. He thought they were all holding grudges and not talking to their friends about them. All 3 women said, 'oh, you don't understand. Girls are not like that.' He said he thought it was a good life lesson to talk about problems and he asked me if I felt the same way as his 3 women. I told him he was absolutely right. Girls have to learn how to deal with problems as they occur, if they don't, they also won't be able to deal with them with their partners. If you can't talk to you friends about why they make you miserable, and if you try, they ditch you, I mean are they really your friends?
Of course, girls and boys from unsupportive family, often feel very lonely, and they are thrilled that they even have friends, so they put up with shit. If they don't become bullies themselves, they become victims, or they feel they are victimized all their lives. And the cycle of pain continues.
And parents, don't disown your kids just because they disagree with you, that is just insane. If you make your kids feel like they are worthless piece of shit, that your unhappiness is all their fault when they are just kids, and all they did was just kid stuff, you don't deserve to be parents.
Do you realize how long it takes to learn you are not a worthless piece of shit? A long, long time. No matter that others tell you you are great, no matter what type of facade you put on to appear confident, it isn't real, because you don't feel it. and because you don't feel it, you attract people who also are just as screwed up as you are. and the cycle continues. you have to work really hard to accept yourself, and change your attitude, and not have any manufactured fear, in order to truly stand up for yourself. Otherwise you spend your entire life doing donuts. No matter who you are with, you are really dating the same person.
I also find some of my friends with difficult childhood have turned out to be very good parents actually. They all seem to have a soft spot for children and want to do everything in their power to nurture them and protect them. the common language is 'I want to give them what I didn't have'. and they seem to be doing a good job of it. But however, it seems their relationship isn't always so good. I think they realize that, but they are willing to put up with it for the sake of their children, because their parents did not suck it up for them.
You have done well. I am very proud of you. You have gone one step further than a lot of people.
XXX
==================================================
Hi,
I know everyone was trying to throw me a life line last year, I just couldn't really take it. I had to go through the pain and suffering, I had to let myself drown a little. It was absolutely necessary. I had to learn.
I went to therapy a few times, until it wasn't financially viable, so I had to do a lot of soul searching myself.
What I realized is the following:
1) Deal with problems right away, no matter how your partner makes you feel. Tell him/her to work with you until you can work out a compromise. Don't walk away from a problem, no matter how difficult it can be. And if they make you feel like shit, and insist on doing it their way, are they really right for you? Do they really respect you? Dictatorship or bullying is not allowed.
2) Create a nurturing environment so your partner feel he/she can communicate with you openly all the time, no matter how uncomfortable the situation maybe.
3) Accept criticism. We are not perfect ourselves.
4) Forgive.
5) Ask for forgiveness.
6) Listen to your own intuition.
7) When your emotions fail you, as they often do, use logic.
8) You both have to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
9) Have the courage to walk away when it is not worth it any more because you have done all you can with a clean conscience, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how your partner makes you feel, how old you are, whether you can ever have children any more. Do it.
My dear friends, I had to learn this the hard way. I can't blame anyone for it. I could say, you know my parents never taught me to love myself, they didn't care, they made me feel small, they beat me, they were mean to me, so on and so forth.
You know what, I am an adult, no excuses. Maybe it has taken me longer to learn it than others, but I still had to learn it.
A friend of mine, a father with two young daughters, a good father by the way. He is a good father because he tries to teach his kids, and his wife as well, how to work out problems with their friends. He thought they were all holding grudges and not talking to their friends about them. All 3 women said, 'oh, you don't understand. Girls are not like that.' He said he thought it was a good life lesson to talk about problems and he asked me if I felt the same way as his 3 women. I told him he was absolutely right. Girls have to learn how to deal with problems as they occur, if they don't, they also won't be able to deal with them with their partners. If you can't talk to you friends about why they make you miserable, and if you try, they ditch you, I mean are they really your friends?
Of course, girls and boys from unsupportive family, often feel very lonely, and they are thrilled that they even have friends, so they put up with shit. If they don't become bullies themselves, they become victims, or they feel they are victimized all their lives. And the cycle of pain continues.
And parents, don't disown your kids just because they disagree with you, that is just insane. If you make your kids feel like they are worthless piece of shit, that your unhappiness is all their fault when they are just kids, and all they did was just kid stuff, you don't deserve to be parents.
Do you realize how long it takes to learn you are not a worthless piece of shit? A long, long time. No matter that others tell you you are great, no matter what type of facade you put on to appear confident, it isn't real, because you don't feel it. and because you don't feel it, you attract people who also are just as screwed up as you are. and the cycle continues. you have to work really hard to accept yourself, and change your attitude, and not have any manufactured fear, in order to truly stand up for yourself. Otherwise you spend your entire life doing donuts. No matter who you are with, you are really dating the same person.
I also find some of my friends with difficult childhood have turned out to be very good parents actually. They all seem to have a soft spot for children and want to do everything in their power to nurture them and protect them. the common language is 'I want to give them what I didn't have'. and they seem to be doing a good job of it. But however, it seems their relationship isn't always so good. I think they realize that, but they are willing to put up with it for the sake of their children, because their parents did not suck it up for them.
You have done well. I am very proud of you. You have gone one step further than a lot of people.
XXX
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