婚姻的艺术（四）爱的中断(上）

Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger... -James 1:19
你们各人要快快地听，慢慢地说，慢慢地动怒... -《圣经》雅各书1:19

 上周婚姻艺术课的作业是夫妻写给对方一封情书，书本留了两页空白让夫妻分别写情书填满。杰明写了满满两页送给轻舟，他回忆到我们的相识，很有意思的是，有的细节轻舟淡忘了，他却清晰地留在记忆和情书里，很感动，也很珍惜。轻舟写了一页的信，第二页用了不久前写给杰明的诗歌。他在读情书和情诗时，非常开心。轻舟借机“自吹自擂”道，“诗歌质量比信高，你说呢，嘿嘿？”

   有趣的是，这个周日上午婚姻课开始时，老师问，有没有写了情书的夫妻，大约三、四对夫妻举起了手。想不到，老师看着杰明轻舟，问我们可否分享一小部分情书内容，因为诗歌比较泛，轻舟在婚姻课上念了情诗的英文版。。。情诗是杰明去年生日时，轻舟信手写给他的祝福：

Seasons change         季节多变幻

Weather varies         气候常更替   
Year in, year out      年复又一年   
new joy every day.     喜乐每一日    

Loving prayers, faithful support 祈愿与支持
My rock in storm                 风暴之坚石
Day in, day out                  日复又一日
True love forevermore.           真爱永相存

   这周课程的主题是爱的中断，任何婚姻，夫妻之间的冲突是很正常的。婚姻生活的宗旨并不是完全没有冲突，而是学会如何正确地解决冲突。

   解决冲突的前提是良好的沟通技巧，这是婚姻的艺术的重要组成部分。婚姻课分享了下面几点解决冲突，加强沟通的技巧：

• 就事论事。 Make sure to address one issue at a time when you're having a conflict.
• 用恰当的途径解决冲突。 To successfully navigate conflict, you need to have the right tools.
• 找出冲突的根源。这样，你可以发现哪些方面对你的配偶很重要。Seek to discover the reason why the conflict began.  As you do, you will often find out what is important to your spouse.
• 所有的沟通发生在两个层面：内容方面（事实）和关系方面（爱）。All communication takes place on two levels: the content level (truth) and the relational level (love).
• 我们常常太忙，没法倾听配偶而无法解决冲突。We are often too busy to listen to our spouses and resolve conflict.
• 我们需要重新训练自己，能够专注倾听配偶。We need to retrain ourselves to be present in the moment with our spouses.

  
   事实上，夫妻试图解决冲突，但常常无法控制感情，发怒生气，而“人的怒火并不成就神的义。”(The anger of man does nto produce the righteousness of God. - James 1:20) 了解怒气，如何应对愤怒也有解决冲突的根本：

• 生气的源头在我们自己，没有别人会“让我们生气。”The source of our anger is within each of us.  No one else can "make us angry."
• 我们的心愿没有得到满足，冲突因此产生。-- 我们没有得到想要的：Conflict occurs when our desires aren't fulfilled - when we don't get what we want.

1. 我们的权利被侵犯。Our rights have been violated.
2. 我们的期望没有得到满足。Our expectations haven't been met.
3. 我们被伤害了。We have been hurt.

• 我们未成的心愿导致争吵。Our unfulfilled desires lead to fighting and quarreling.
• 未成的愿望可能产生怒气。Our unfulfilled desires may result in ANGER.
• 要解决冲突，夫妻双方必须致力于合一。For conflict to be resolved, both husband and wife must be committed to oneness.

    怒气中生时，不妨试试以下好办法：

• 深呼吸以放松自己。Take a deep breath to stay relaxed.
• 轻轻地说，慢慢地说。“回答柔和，使怒消退”（箴言15:1）Speak softly and slowly ("A soft answer turns away wrath" Proverbs 15:1).
• 不断提醒自己：“我们可以找到双赢的解决方法。”也以此提醒对方。Keep reminding yourself:"We can find a win-win resolution to this," and remind the other person of this too.
• 注意你的语言。“舌头在百体里也是最小的，却能说大话。看哪，最小的火能点着最大的树林。”（雅各书3:5) 有些词会让冲突升级，比如：从来没有，总是，直到，不能，将不，不行，应该，不应该。同样有些词会让冲突降级，比如：可能，也许，有时，假如这样，看上去像，我感觉，我想，我想知道。Watch your language. “So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!"(James 3:5) Words that escalate a conflict are never, always, unless, can't, won't , don't, should and shouldn't. Words that de-escalate a conflict are maybe, perhaps, sometimes, what if, it seems like, I feel, I think, and I wonder.
• 确认并承认对方的感受。Affirm and acknowledge the other person's position.
• 问一些能够鼓励对方找到解决问题的办法。问开放式的问题,而不是那些是或否的问题。Ask questions that encourage the other person to look for a solution. Ask open-ended questions rather than ones that will evoke a yes or no response.