认知心理
从事精神卫生研究和心理治疗,理解生活和工作中的压力给人带来困扰,希望与朋友共同关心身心健康
正文
都是为你好:孩子教育中隐藏的残酷与暴力的根源(For your own good: Hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence.) By Alice Miller.是我读到的第二本Alice Miller的书.Alice Miller在从事二十的心理分析治疗工作中,看到了很多因缺乏人性的教育,成为有精神障碍问题的人. 她已经出版了近十本有关缺乏人性的儿童教育带来问题的书.这本书主要讨论儿童时期父母缺乏人性管教下,导致这些儿童青春期或成年后人性的 扭曲.在这本书里Alice Miller仔细分析了几个有典型意义的案例,其中包括希特勒及其追随者,吸毒的少女,变态的杀人犯,自杀而死的少年诗人.
读这本书的时候,我非常投入,有时侯会有心痛的感觉.她书中的描述让我想起我们这辈人的成长经历.我们小的时候,父母首先为衣食住行愁苦不已,然后是政治气氛,所以左邻右舍的孩子,总是被打的此起彼伏.要说很多时候并不是孩子的错,只是大人心情不好,没有闲工夫去寻找教育方式.就象她书中所说,在残酷教育孩子这件事情上,人们有两种误解:一是,没有发生在自己身上,认为那是上个世纪的事情,发生在遥远的地方;其二是,发生在自己身上或周围,认为遥远的地方不会发生.在读了她的书后,我认识到,这些教育方式,不仅存在我们那代人的童年,也存在我们下一代的童年.不仅存在中国也存在世界的其他国家.
当Alice Miller写到希特勒做了元首以后,夜里做恶梦惊醒,总说房间有个“他”,还会在梦里含糊不清地数数.希特勒小的时候,父亲经常残酷地打他,他总是一边挨打,一边数被打的次数.在这一段中,Alice Miller写到:希特勒让整个世界成为他的受害者,却无法驱赶他卧室里已经嵌入他人格里的父亲;他能够摧毁一个世界却无法摧毁自己的潜意识.(Had he made the entire world his victim, he still would not have been able to banish his introjected father from his bedroom, for one’s own unconscious can not be destroying the world.)
Alice Miller在书中希望大家能够意识到这种残酷现实地存在,否则这些潜意识里的伤害会一代一代地传下去.如她结尾处写的:这些没有人性的教育方式不是为了孩子好,只是为了满足父母对权力和复仇的需要;这些教育方式不仅影响某个孩子,我们都会成为将来的牺牲品.(Child-rearing is basically directed not toward the child’s welfare but toward satisfying the parent’s needs for power and revenge; not only the individual child is affected; we can all become future victims of the mistreatment.)
以下是我摘录书中对缺乏人性教育方式的评价:
1. A feeling of duty produces love
责任感可以产生爱
2. Hatred can be done away with by forbidding it.
仇恨可以通过禁止来消除
3. Parents deserve respect simply because they are parents.
应该尊敬父母只是因为他们是父母
4. Children are undeserving of respect simply because they are children.
孩子不需要尊敬只是因为他们是孩子
5. Obedience makes a child strong.
服从让孩子坚强
6. A high degree of self-esteem is harmful.
高的自尊心有害
7. A low degree of self-esteem makes a person altruistic.
低的自尊心让人无私
8. Tenderness (doting ) is harmful.
温和亲切是有害的
9. Responding to a child’s needs is wrong.
应答孩子的需求是错的
10. Severity and coldness are a good preparation for life.
严酷和冷酷是为了生活的好准备
11. A pretense of gratitude is better than honest ingratitude.
虚假的感恩要比诚实的不感恩好
12. The way you behave is more important than the way you really are.
你的行为比真实的你更重要
13. Neither parent or God would survive being offended.
父母跟上帝一样,如果受到冲撞就不能生存
14. The body is something dirty and disgusting.
身体是肮脏的
15. Strong feelings are harmful.
强烈的感觉是有害的
16. Parents are creatures free of drives and guilt.
父母是没有驱动和罪恶的动物
17. Parents are always right.
父母总是对的.
所以在教育孩子的时候:
1. Adults are the masters (not the servants!) of the dependent child.
成人是不能独立的孩子的主人
2. They determine in God like fashion what is right and what is wrong.
他们象上帝那样决定对错
3. The child is held responsible for their anger.
孩子对自己的愤怒负责
4. The parents must always be shielded.
父母总是要受到保护
5. The child’s life-affirming feelings pose a threat to the autocratic adult.
孩子从生命中得到的感受是对独裁成人的威胁
6. The child’s will must be “broken” as soon as possible.
孩子的自我意识必须尽早摧毁
7. All this must happen at a very early age, so the child “won’t notice” and will therefore not be able to expose the adults.
这些教育越早越好,这样孩子就不会注意到,也不会揭发成人.
读这本书的时候,我非常投入,有时侯会有心痛的感觉.她书中的描述让我想起我们这辈人的成长经历.我们小的时候,父母首先为衣食住行愁苦不已,然后是政治气氛,所以左邻右舍的孩子,总是被打的此起彼伏.要说很多时候并不是孩子的错,只是大人心情不好,没有闲工夫去寻找教育方式.就象她书中所说,在残酷教育孩子这件事情上,人们有两种误解:一是,没有发生在自己身上,认为那是上个世纪的事情,发生在遥远的地方;其二是,发生在自己身上或周围,认为遥远的地方不会发生.在读了她的书后,我认识到,这些教育方式,不仅存在我们那代人的童年,也存在我们下一代的童年.不仅存在中国也存在世界的其他国家.
当Alice Miller写到希特勒做了元首以后,夜里做恶梦惊醒,总说房间有个“他”,还会在梦里含糊不清地数数.希特勒小的时候,父亲经常残酷地打他,他总是一边挨打,一边数被打的次数.在这一段中,Alice Miller写到:希特勒让整个世界成为他的受害者,却无法驱赶他卧室里已经嵌入他人格里的父亲;他能够摧毁一个世界却无法摧毁自己的潜意识.(Had he made the entire world his victim, he still would not have been able to banish his introjected father from his bedroom, for one’s own unconscious can not be destroying the world.)
Alice Miller在书中希望大家能够意识到这种残酷现实地存在,否则这些潜意识里的伤害会一代一代地传下去.如她结尾处写的:这些没有人性的教育方式不是为了孩子好,只是为了满足父母对权力和复仇的需要;这些教育方式不仅影响某个孩子,我们都会成为将来的牺牲品.(Child-rearing is basically directed not toward the child’s welfare but toward satisfying the parent’s needs for power and revenge; not only the individual child is affected; we can all become future victims of the mistreatment.)
以下是我摘录书中对缺乏人性教育方式的评价:
1. A feeling of duty produces love
责任感可以产生爱
2. Hatred can be done away with by forbidding it.
仇恨可以通过禁止来消除
3. Parents deserve respect simply because they are parents.
应该尊敬父母只是因为他们是父母
4. Children are undeserving of respect simply because they are children.
孩子不需要尊敬只是因为他们是孩子
5. Obedience makes a child strong.
服从让孩子坚强
6. A high degree of self-esteem is harmful.
高的自尊心有害
7. A low degree of self-esteem makes a person altruistic.
低的自尊心让人无私
8. Tenderness (doting ) is harmful.
温和亲切是有害的
9. Responding to a child’s needs is wrong.
应答孩子的需求是错的
10. Severity and coldness are a good preparation for life.
严酷和冷酷是为了生活的好准备
11. A pretense of gratitude is better than honest ingratitude.
虚假的感恩要比诚实的不感恩好
12. The way you behave is more important than the way you really are.
你的行为比真实的你更重要
13. Neither parent or God would survive being offended.
父母跟上帝一样,如果受到冲撞就不能生存
14. The body is something dirty and disgusting.
身体是肮脏的
15. Strong feelings are harmful.
强烈的感觉是有害的
16. Parents are creatures free of drives and guilt.
父母是没有驱动和罪恶的动物
17. Parents are always right.
父母总是对的.
所以在教育孩子的时候:
1. Adults are the masters (not the servants!) of the dependent child.
成人是不能独立的孩子的主人
2. They determine in God like fashion what is right and what is wrong.
他们象上帝那样决定对错
3. The child is held responsible for their anger.
孩子对自己的愤怒负责
4. The parents must always be shielded.
父母总是要受到保护
5. The child’s life-affirming feelings pose a threat to the autocratic adult.
孩子从生命中得到的感受是对独裁成人的威胁
6. The child’s will must be “broken” as soon as possible.
孩子的自我意识必须尽早摧毁
7. All this must happen at a very early age, so the child “won’t notice” and will therefore not be able to expose the adults.
这些教育越早越好,这样孩子就不会注意到,也不会揭发成人.
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