Good evening everyone!
My name is Joe Wong, but, to most people, I am known as "Who?"
Which is actually my mother's maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.
But, joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight[注1].
I grew up in China, who wouldn't? [注2] And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in the elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks, and that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad is a grumpy guy, but, occasionally, he tried to cheer me up with jokes, but he didn't do it right.When I was seven, he said to me one day:"Hey, son. Why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" So, 5 minutes later I said:" Why?" He said: "because I said so!"
I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas,(clapping, cheers) that wasn't a joke (laughter) until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of pumper stickers that impossible to peel off, and one of them said "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't notice it for two years.
Like many immigrants, we want our son to be the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public. Which is really tough to do, because many times, I had to say to him in public:"Hey, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!" He would say to my:"Hey, dad? why do I have to learn two languages?" I said:" Son, once you become the president of the United States, you are going to sign legislature bills in English, and talk to the debt collectors in Chinese."
When I graduated from Rice University, I decided to stay in the United States, because in China, I can't do the thing I do best here---being an ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take American history lessons where they asked questions like:"Who is Benjamin Franklin?[注3]" we were like"ah, the reason our convenient store gets robbed?" "what's the second amendment (of the Constitution)?[注4]" we were like "ah, the reason our convenient store gets robbed?" "what is Roe vs. Wade?[注5]" we were like "ah, two ways coming to the Unites States?"
Later on, I learned so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt. And in America, they said that all men are created equal. But, after birth, it is kind of depending on the parents' income, their education and health care. I read in the "Men's health" magazine that President Obama, every week, has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise, because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care,then we elected Scott Brown, talk about mixed messages[注6]. I think there is a movie about him, it is called "Kill Bill".
I am honored to meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight, I actually read your autobiography, and today I see you, I think the book is much better. They should guest cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.
To be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight, I prepared for months for tonight's show,and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is when he decided not to come, and he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that, Steven Colbert! [注7]
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize, and he accepted it. You can't be more bad ass than that. Well, actually, I am thinking the only way to be more bad ass than that is if you take the Nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.
We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom might (be) considered my peers, because I used to write for the campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for pons, only on the newspaper can you say things like " I was born in the year of horse, that is why I am a naysayer." My point exactly.
And tonight is my first time to be on C-SPAN,which is a channel I obviously always watched when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and the demagogue of PBS and QVC.[注8] If I still could not fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there is C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. Thank you very much.
So, I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about, thank you very much. America #1, that's true, 'cause we won the world series[注9] every year.After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden, you are welcome. You had me at "Yes! We can!" That was their slogan.
So, after getting Obama and Bidon elected, I felt this power trip, and I started to think that maybe I should run for president myself. Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit because I have always been a moraless and pessimistic guy. I felt life is kind of like peeing in the snow in the dark winter night, you probably made a difference, but it is really hard to tell. But, now, we have a president, who is half white and half black, it just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black and half not white, two negatives make a positive.
You maybe saying:" Hey, what would be you campaign slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade, oh, you too? Okay,So I understand that American people are suffering, so my campaign slogan would be:" HU(Who) cares". If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote.
You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:"Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!"
And, I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American work force, so two people will have to do the work (of) one. Just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins[注10].
And despite heart disease and cancer, most of American die of naturally causes, so if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one. But, you won't be covered by Health insurance though, because of pre-existing conditions.
And I have a quick solution for global warming, I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees and now it is 40. You are very welcome.
And I am great with foreign policies, because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.[ 注11]
I believe that unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialogue is too slow, so if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to say hi and text our enemies while they are driving:"OMG! you are building a nuclear weapon?" "But you are doing it wrong! LOL!"
I just want to thank Radio and TV Correspondents' dinner to have me here tonight and this is the first time that I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and you have a very good night and thank you Elaine and Scott.
注释：
1。指不久前发生的夫妇两人无请柬混进白宫晚宴。
2。谐音：胡屯？
3。本杰明，弗兰克林，美国国父之一，他的头像印在百元美钞上，故又指百元美钞。
4。宪法第二修正案，规定公民有拥有枪支的自由。
5。Roe vs. Wade: 美高法的里程碑式的案例，认定了堕胎的合法性，在此指有人用中国的计划生育为由申请政治庇护， 另一解释是指走陆路(rove)和水路(wade)偷渡。
6。Scott Brown: 顶替已故参议院爱德华。肯尼迪的麻省参议员，他反对全民医保。
7。Steven Colbert: 著名的喜剧演员，去年晚宴的表演嘉宾。
8。PBS 美政府赞助的公共电视节目，QVC电视购物频道。
9。The World series: 美职棒联盟季后赛，美职棒联盟除三只加拿大球队外均为美国球队.
10. 双胞胎，童星，在电视剧《Full House》里两人合演一个角色。
11.共和党副总统候选人Sarah。 Palin曾说她对外交政策很有经验，因为作为阿拉斯加州长，她可以从后院看到俄国。
