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他和她在经历了10 年婚姻之后，最近宣布分道扬镳。我不是十分清楚其中的原因，只是听他们淡淡地说，找不到感觉了。唏嘘之余，有些许感慨。
一向认为爱情和婚姻是需要努力地小心经营的，因为爱情和婚姻着实是“两面派”。一方面，为了爱，他/她可以牺牲一切，等待一生，钟情一生。另一方面，“夫妻本是同林鸟，大难临头各自飞”，爱情和婚姻的纽带有时又脆弱的不堪一击，特别是在这样一个充满诱惑，又个性张扬的时代和社会，特别是当爱情和婚姻的关系本质上是一种伙伴关系而不是血缘关系。我的这对朋友，两人都曾是北医高材生，女孩娇小玲珑，温柔活泼；男孩健硕挺拔，高傲倔强。两人10 年前来美，一同经历了求学工作换身份的种种磨难，本以为他们会同舟共济，到如今却没了感觉，令人惋惜。
俗话说：十年修得同船渡，百年修得共枕眠。其中的奥妙在于一个“修”字，无非是在一定原则下的相互适应，相互迁就和相互容忍。夫妻之间的磨合是一辈子的事，不是结婚两三年之间就可以达到默契的。我周围有些小朋友，还处在找朋友谈恋爱的阶段，但是他们表现出的“只有对方适应我，我不能适应对方”的态度着实令我惊讶。纯粹的爱情是美好的，但是由爱情引发的婚姻就要实际的多。昨天看到一篇“怜惜是最深挚的爱情”（漫游博客），怜惜应该是那种不是血缘胜似血缘的亲情吧。结婚数年之后，当爱情被责任义务，工作压力，日常琐事等等笼罩的时候，夫妻之间因为共同生活的岁月而滋生出的怜惜，应当是最为珍贵的了。
It is also a friendly discussion too, Xin Ran. :-)
I am so honored and so touched by the sincere support from all these friends.
I could not have written any single word without you guys!!! You guys brighten my everyday!
Wow! what an intense discussion here! It opens my eyes on this topic indeed.
This is actually from another book. It tries to discuss the nature of human being (the secret code built in to keep the discipline of nature). Supposedly, 4 years are enough for male/female reproduction; after woman having kid, her attention will be transfered to the kid, males tend to like to have as many kids as possible. Nowadays, we have imposed enough social discipline on top to suit current stage of human civilization. Poeples' behaviors (including emotion drive) are influenced by both human nature and social factors.
Why 4 years instead of 7 years (itch)? Why only male rather than both genders? If kid is an outcome of right chemistry, how long could it last?
The research is interesting indeed. :-)))
Yes, both mental and physical judgment play together to create such chemistry. The chemistry evolves along phases. Initial chemistry last about 18 months, that makes people want to get married. Then, the chemistry begins to change to suite long-term relationship. After 4 years or so, males begin to turn interests to alternative objects, when supposedly he and his first mate have enough time to have a baby. It's a very interesting research.
If a couple don't have the 1st stage chemistry, it's hard for them to be close enough to develop the rest smoothly. That's maybe why people don't feel enjoyable if married without love. Also, succeeding in one phase will not guarantee the next, where so many other factors can play.
I'll let you know the book if you are interested. But above views may not all from that book, may from other books or made up by me :-)
I am sorry I might misunderstood the chemistry you mentioned.
To me, the chemistry seems the combination of physical intimacy and spiritual affinity. I guess spiritual chemistry includes soul, disposition, temper, value etc. People usually establish relationships based on matched chemistry. However, the question is HOW to last it, HOW to recharge it, HOW to refresh it. One tends to set high expectations to the partner without noticing if he/she himself is still at the same level, or possessing the right chemistry to ignite their flame of sentiment. Most of the time, the higher the flame is, the faster it fades. We'd better try our best to find an eternal flame, which could last forever only between the couples. So I also incline to believe that the chemistry varies to fit the changes while the relationship is developing. Maybe this is one of the answer to the HOW. Needless to say, both sides should work together. The worst is the couple is not on the same page, one feels the chemistry or doesn't care much of it, while the other senses none.
If chemistry were like a medicine to be easily generated and injected,couples would live happily ever after.:-)
Did that PhD mention the difference of chemistry between a couple before and after a marriage? The initial right chemistry will trigger a reaction chain to generate more right chemistry unless the enzyme is insufficient or the reaction is disturbed by some other factors. Well, anything could happen. Let's live everyday well and enjoy now. :-)))
Melly, what I implied is that for a lasting and enjoyable male/female relationship, right chemistry is not sufficient, but is necessary. The right chemistry not only leads to the "short-term high", but is also a foundation for long-term chemistry to develop (though not every couple can complete such development). In addition to my accessible real-life evidances, I also read a book mostly based on a Ph.D dissertation that provides many experimental results. It seems to me the partnership and social compatibility are other necessary factors to consider, but they can not overtake human intrinsic factors.
Well, Melly, you said what I implied to say. :)
Don't you think all the three possibilities you mentioned apply for women too? A woman may leave a man for another better one.
Hmmm, maybe only those who are secured financially and socially, and who are tough mentally are willing to be alone in her life.
Not so sure.Anyway. Thanks for dropping lines.
Your message reminded me of two of your posts. One was about "love vs long-term relationship", the other was about "dancing parter vs life partner".
"Right chemical", like a spark, triggers the initiation of a relationship. It is hard to generate right chemical between ill-matched dispositions. However, chemical is not enough to guarantee a long-term relationship. I guess in a long-term relationship, both sides need to cooperate with each other, like dancing, when one moves forward, the other has to move backward a little bit and then moves forward again.
Well, the reasons for a terminated marriage are quite different. Only people involved know better what they really want.
(1) for another woman, or
(2) for a hope he could find a much better woman
(3) for himself (being alone is better).
I would like Flamenco_Girl’s idea more, which is #3.
Marriage and relationship are good or not are quite individual case based. People are dynamic and quite responsive to environment. Even two people fit well initially, can grow apart later as well. But, if two are lacking of right chemistry, it's rare to get it later, though they may be able to develop something else.
Being alone can be served as one's baseline, which means one shouldn't do worse than that. Of course, everyone wants to do better, to find someone better than being alone. However, for each individual, the threshold and the level of self content can be the factors to decide what he/she will do. It's really not uncommon to see people being alone these days, though most of them are in their way to find a matching mate.
I can't agree with you more. Only two-way street works in a healthy relationship.
I guess people incline to have partners otherwise why people get into another relationship after ending the previous one? Choosing to live as a single in his/her whole life seems not popular. Can we blame on human nature? People need to be cared and loved, the more the better. Except ill-matched personality, I guess the approaches applying in any relationship count a lot. Unfortunately, I do not know what approach is the best. :-)))
Thanks for comment on my little writing. I was sort of frustrated while writing it. Divorce or marriage is definitely not an easy topic to write.
I believe everybody has his/her own idea. There is not a standard rule to measure whose marriage is much more pleasant, nor to determine the termination of a marriage. I heard some people complained they chose the wrong person to marry with after the breakup of the marriage. However, people have to make many decisions in their life. It is unrealistic to make only right ones. So bring best from the current life would be wise and practical. It applies to many aspects including marriage, career and etc.
As for a dying marriage, divorce is the best way to end the anguish of both sides, and to start a new one. However, I barely believe there is a perfect one to suit you.
A happy marriage or not happy one only can be judged by themselves, like the shoes we are wearing, nobody knows better than the person who is wearing it.
A lasting marriage is not easy to maintain, especially in today's world. Everyone has the right to make a choice on what life they want to have since our life is really short.
We face the enticement everyday. It is really something if your partner is willing and able to fight those attractions to stick with you. People ask for different things in life. Sometimes, we just have to cool ourselves down and ask ourselves: "What do I really want?"
I guess there is nothing wrong to chase for the joy of life, no matter whether it is from a lasting marriage or a broken one. You think it is worthy to do it, and then just do it. Of course, as a human being, we expect each one of us can do things in a responsible way.
My own opinion only......