正文
Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.
'People are very tender, very sensitive inside. I don't believe age or experience makes much difference. Inside, even within the toughened and calloused exteriors, are the tender feelings and emotions of the heart.'
'When we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life--cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, integrity--and to discover and live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their own inner imperatives rather than react to our conditions and limitations. This does not mean we become permissive or soft. ...We counsel, we plead, we set limits and consequences. But we love, regardless. '---我这一代的中华父母，能读到或自己悟到这些的，很幸福呀！红豆豆，芝麻问我是羊妈还是推妈，我惭愧地答：‘俺推，俺大半时候是推妈，小半时候是和豆豆一样的太监妈！’自己意识到，很不consistent 的说！
读到这一部分的时候，弄明白了与interdependence 相对的，叫做‘counter-dependent', which is another form of dependency and is at the lowest end of the Maturity Continuum. 太可怕了：在俺自己从dependency中受伤后激烈反弹出去的时候，俺以为自己变得independent 了，其实不是，那时的痛和恨，怨恨别人仿佛自己就是一victim, 其实说明在那两年多的时间里，自己徘徊在conter-dependence和Independence的边缘。唉，也算是一段必经之路吧！在这个情感成熟的低级阶段的人们 ‘become reactive, almost enemy-centered, more concerned about defending their "rights" and producing evidence of their individuality than they are about proactively listening to and honoring their own inner imperatives. Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make deposits--constant deposits of unconditional love.’ （呵呵，当初都贫穷，谁会肯多存少取? 今天，我愿。为了那个对我最重要的relationship： 和儿子一道成长。）
'Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what's being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It's in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation. And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the win/lose mentality.
"If I 'm better than my brother, my parents will love me more." ...
Another powerful scripting agency is the peer group. A child first wants acceptance from his parents and then from his peers, whether they be siblings or friends. And we all know how cruel peers sometimes can be. They often accept or reject totally on the basis of conformity...' (几千年来，社会的expectations, norms 与家庭里父母的conditional love 内外呼应，塑造一代代的生命。儒教设计得好呀！）
‘Dag Hammarskjold, past secretary-General of the United Nations, once made a profound, rar-reaching statement: "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses."
'I take that to mean that I could devote eith, ten, or twelve hours a day, five, six, or seven days a week to the thousands of people and projects "out there" and still not have a deep, meaningful relationship with my own spouse, with my own teenage son, with my closest working associate. And it would take more nobility of character-more humility, courage, and strength--to rebuild that one relationship than it would to continue putting in all those hours for all those people and couses.' （好好做一个真实的人，别费劲巴力地愚弄群众 ； 一屋不扫，何以扫天下； 秦皇反例：远交近攻，呵呵，邪门儿哈！）
Stephen Convey 说， 'Creating the unity necessary to run an effective business or a family or a marriage requires great personal strength and courage. No amount of technical administrative skill in laboring for the massess can make up for lack of nobility of personal character in developing relationships. It is at a very essential, one-on-one level, that we live the primary laws of love and life.'
*******
Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum, from Win/Lose insonsideration to Lose/Win indulgence. When they can't stand confusion and lack of structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to Win/Lose--until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to Lose/Win--until anger and frustration drive them back to Win/Lose again.
*****
Scarcity (zero-sum paradigm) Mentality: people with a scarcity mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit--even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people--even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends and associates. It's almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has remarkable success or achievement. Although they might verbally express happiness for others' success, inwardly they are eating their hearts out. Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and someone else's success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many people can be "A" students; only one person can be "number one." To "win" simply means to "beat."
Often, people with a Scarcity Mentality harbor secret hopes that others might suffer misfortune--not terrible misfortune, but acceptable misforturn that would keep them "in their place." They're always comparing, always competing. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.
They want other people to be the way they want them to be. They often want to clone them, and they surround themselves with "yes" people--people who won't challenge them, people who are weaker than they.
唉！太对太可怕了！从小我们被要求要‘出其类，拔其萃’。不然就感到不安全不满意不被爱和关注。阿小C也已经有此倾向，一定要注意加以潜移默化，温柔善良的心才更幸福。
The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. This mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third (Win/Win) Alternatives.
以下的一些话，对教学工作很有启发。
Win/Win puts the responsibility on the individual for accomplishing specified results within clear guidelines and available resources. It makes a person accountable to perform and evaluate the results and provides consequences as a natural result of performance. And Win/Win systems create the environment which supports and reinforces the Win/Win performance agreements.
'And we have a build-in accoutability, which meant I didn't have to hover over her or manage her methods. Her integrity, her conscience, her power of discernment and our high Emotional Bank Account managed her infinitely better. We didn't have to get emotionally strung out, trying to supervise her every move and coming up with punishments or rewards on the spot if she didn't do things the way we thought she should. We had a Win/Win agreement, and it liberated us all'
The 4-step process for Win/Win solution:
1. see the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. (seperate the person from the problem, to focus on interests and not on posotions)
2. identify the key issues and converns (not positions) involved
3. determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution.
4. identify (or invent) possible new options to achieve those results
'People are very tender, very sensitive inside. I don't believe age or experience makes much difference. Inside, even within the toughened and calloused exteriors, are the tender feelings and emotions of the heart.'
'When we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life--cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, integrity--and to discover and live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their own inner imperatives rather than react to our conditions and limitations. This does not mean we become permissive or soft. ...We counsel, we plead, we set limits and consequences. But we love, regardless. '---我这一代的中华父母，能读到或自己悟到这些的，很幸福呀！红豆豆，芝麻问我是羊妈还是推妈，我惭愧地答：‘俺推，俺大半时候是推妈，小半时候是和豆豆一样的太监妈！’自己意识到，很不consistent 的说！
读到这一部分的时候，弄明白了与interdependence 相对的，叫做‘counter-dependent', which is another form of dependency and is at the lowest end of the Maturity Continuum. 太可怕了：在俺自己从dependency中受伤后激烈反弹出去的时候，俺以为自己变得independent 了，其实不是，那时的痛和恨，怨恨别人仿佛自己就是一victim, 其实说明在那两年多的时间里，自己徘徊在conter-dependence和Independence的边缘。唉，也算是一段必经之路吧！在这个情感成熟的低级阶段的人们 ‘become reactive, almost enemy-centered, more concerned about defending their "rights" and producing evidence of their individuality than they are about proactively listening to and honoring their own inner imperatives. Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make deposits--constant deposits of unconditional love.’ （呵呵，当初都贫穷，谁会肯多存少取? 今天，我愿。为了那个对我最重要的relationship： 和儿子一道成长。）
'Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what's being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It's in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation. And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the win/lose mentality.
"If I 'm better than my brother, my parents will love me more." ...
Another powerful scripting agency is the peer group. A child first wants acceptance from his parents and then from his peers, whether they be siblings or friends. And we all know how cruel peers sometimes can be. They often accept or reject totally on the basis of conformity...' (几千年来，社会的expectations, norms 与家庭里父母的conditional love 内外呼应，塑造一代代的生命。儒教设计得好呀！）
‘Dag Hammarskjold, past secretary-General of the United Nations, once made a profound, rar-reaching statement: "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses."
'I take that to mean that I could devote eith, ten, or twelve hours a day, five, six, or seven days a week to the thousands of people and projects "out there" and still not have a deep, meaningful relationship with my own spouse, with my own teenage son, with my closest working associate. And it would take more nobility of character-more humility, courage, and strength--to rebuild that one relationship than it would to continue putting in all those hours for all those people and couses.' （好好做一个真实的人，别费劲巴力地愚弄群众 ； 一屋不扫，何以扫天下； 秦皇反例：远交近攻，呵呵，邪门儿哈！）
Stephen Convey 说， 'Creating the unity necessary to run an effective business or a family or a marriage requires great personal strength and courage. No amount of technical administrative skill in laboring for the massess can make up for lack of nobility of personal character in developing relationships. It is at a very essential, one-on-one level, that we live the primary laws of love and life.'
*******
Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum, from Win/Lose insonsideration to Lose/Win indulgence. When they can't stand confusion and lack of structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to Win/Lose--until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to Lose/Win--until anger and frustration drive them back to Win/Lose again.
*****
Scarcity (zero-sum paradigm) Mentality: people with a scarcity mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit--even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people--even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends and associates. It's almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has remarkable success or achievement. Although they might verbally express happiness for others' success, inwardly they are eating their hearts out. Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and someone else's success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many people can be "A" students; only one person can be "number one." To "win" simply means to "beat."
Often, people with a Scarcity Mentality harbor secret hopes that others might suffer misfortune--not terrible misfortune, but acceptable misforturn that would keep them "in their place." They're always comparing, always competing. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.
They want other people to be the way they want them to be. They often want to clone them, and they surround themselves with "yes" people--people who won't challenge them, people who are weaker than they.
唉！太对太可怕了！从小我们被要求要‘出其类，拔其萃’。不然就感到不安全不满意不被爱和关注。阿小C也已经有此倾向，一定要注意加以潜移默化，温柔善良的心才更幸福。
The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. This mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third (Win/Win) Alternatives.
以下的一些话，对教学工作很有启发。
Win/Win puts the responsibility on the individual for accomplishing specified results within clear guidelines and available resources. It makes a person accountable to perform and evaluate the results and provides consequences as a natural result of performance. And Win/Win systems create the environment which supports and reinforces the Win/Win performance agreements.
'And we have a build-in accoutability, which meant I didn't have to hover over her or manage her methods. Her integrity, her conscience, her power of discernment and our high Emotional Bank Account managed her infinitely better. We didn't have to get emotionally strung out, trying to supervise her every move and coming up with punishments or rewards on the spot if she didn't do things the way we thought she should. We had a Win/Win agreement, and it liberated us all'
The 4-step process for Win/Win solution:
1. see the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. (seperate the person from the problem, to focus on interests and not on posotions)
2. identify the key issues and converns (not positions) involved
3. determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution.
4. identify (or invent) possible new options to achieve those results
父母自信强大而温柔，对儿子女儿都一样是重要的。
你家小公主，是乖乖女型的，是比较不需要‘斗智斗勇’滴 ：D
btw:俺和阿原，豆豆情况不同，女儿嘛！更多需要的是温柔，伪装很郁闷，经常抓耳挠腮滴。。。
喜欢您的概括：是为英雄本色！
这一阵子读Covey，想到了很多，好多思想碎片，长久以来的问题，都连了起来，开始有答案。这书简直成了我的‘圣经’。
分开两部分记笔记，一边读一边记。还在进行中。