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College Essay系列（四十三）：2023 达茅成功文书（2）

(2024-06-03 09:08:22) 下一个

2023 达矛成功文书（1）

上一篇说了，精彩在后头。接下来看第二篇关于自然/环境主题的文书。

第二篇，《Parents, Teachers, and Places that Shaped Me》

Am I a product of my environment? My first instinct is to say yes, how could l not be? My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything-while growing up in Wisconsin. l grew up burning wood, eating fresh food from our garden, and spending my time reading and exploring outside. My mom, a math teacher, taught me good studying habits and encouraged an interest in learning. My dad, a self-taught wood timber framer, built every house I lived in and showed me how anything can be accomplished if one is willing to learn about it. My mentors and teachers provided me with opportunities I would have not even known about without them.

Yet, as much as l attribute my success to my coaches, parents, and hometown, l have not become passive clay in their hands. I have made choices that, while influenced by my upbringing, are entirely my own, and I have learned lessons from my choices I never would have.

When I was sixteen, l traveled by myself to Spain and Germany for a month to visit two foreign exchange students my family hosted. l traveled on my own to the Catalonian region of Spain to learn the culture, practice and expand my knowledge of the Spanish language, and learn some Catalan. I also was interested to see if I could handle being a foreign exchange student myself. I visited Munich in Germany and learned more about German culture. From this trip, l learned that I was not ready to be a foreign exchange student as a high school student-instead, we hosted a Norwegian student last year- and now, I am eager to study abroad in college.

This past spring, I applied to go on a sailing trip around Isle Royale on Lake Superior. In June, I departed with the captain, his wife, and five other high school students from Minnesota and Wisconsin. On the trip, we learned about the effects of climate change on the lake, the relationship between wolves and moose on Isle Royale, and how to sail. This trip inspired me to live with purpose and awareness of the consequences of our actions on the world. This trip closed the circle between my upbringing- my parents' choices- and my own will and crystallized my purpose. My first action was to organize a group of kids from my town to skip school on International Climate Strike Day to attend a rally in Duluth.

Five years ago, my parents chose to move to Ely to be near the Boundary Waters wilderness area. This was uprooting our lives and leaving the farming community we knew and loved. We have settled in and built our house, this time with flush toilets. We have become less sustainable in my opinion, purely for the want of comfort, and while I was disappointed, we did not install solar panels, moving to Ely brought opportunities to me that were not available where we lived before. The school has a cross country team and a Nordic ski team. l had learned to ski from my grandma on our 40-acre property on ungroomed trails, which I loved. So, the thought of having a ski racing team was a dream come true. I quickly learned the new techniques and became successful at racing. I met my friends for the rest of high school on that team. Even though my family has always skied, it was my choice to join the team and ski competitively, which became a passion and a lifestyle.

There is no doubt that I have been shaped and supported by my parents, my teachers, and the places I have lived and visited. But l feel I have chosen paths both inspired by them, yet ultimately made by me. I am now excited to begin making my mark on the world.

【凸某评二】

这篇给我的读感，就是简单地喜欢。读完再想想，可能有三点突出的地方：丰富的经历、新鲜的反思、明确的自我意识。本文从家庭环境开始，到独自旅行，再到大湖航行，既丰富了故事，也表现了个人能力的成长。作者对于自我的反思深刻，特别是反思中完成选择和经历成长。

文章的结构上读起来显得杂乱，从家庭环境，到德西旅行，到大湖Sailing，再回到搬家Ely，从时间和空间上，看似没有明显合理的顺序。但这浅浅的意识流写法，正是这篇大学文书的有趣之处。这让读者能在没有设置故事悬念的条件下，只好带着一种不可调和的纠结感，一直体会得到下一处文字的新鲜之处。

虽属意识流的风格，文字上并非随意即可。本文有些句子还可更精炼、提高语感力度。比如开篇处，“Am I a product of my environment? My first instinct is to say yes, how could l not be?”可以直接缩减成“Am I a product of my environment?”

接下来，“My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything-while growing up in Wisconsin”，也可以缩减成“My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything”。

第四段，“When I was sixteen, l traveled by myself to Spain and Germany for a month to visit two foreign exchange students my family hosted”显得很啰嗦。可以改成，“At sixteen，l traveled two months alone to visit Spanish and German exchange students hosted by my family”。

第六段，“There is no doubt that I have been shaped and supported by my parents, my teachers, and the places I have lived and visited”可以改成“My parents, teachers, and the places I have lived and visited have shaped me”。

简约化的文字风格，是AI时代的文书要求。因为用AI出来的都是华丽的语言，所以越是华丽的语言，越有AI的嫌疑。当然AI还有其他特点。比如选词上，你一定要避免AI高频词汇。。。

• 感觉很真实，没有奇思妙想技术流。家里酱油娃可以写这种风格的。 -成功的77- ♂ (0 bytes) (3 reads) 06/03/2024 postreply 09:26:42