College Essay系列（四十二）：2023 达茅成功文书（1）

今天打得开这一篇的人，值了。以后打得开这篇的人，赚了。因为，这篇要写的官方新鲜出炉的达茅文书。我收集了90年、500篇成功的美本文书。其中哈斯普耶芝麻杜宾霍范加密齐全，但就是还缺几篇达茅的样本。也不是我没见过号称达茅的文书，只是从那些self-claimed达茅文书里，我还没看到过好得能让我跳脚儿的。所以，在那本每年更新的《文书六讲》里，我一直没选到一篇达茅。

上个月，达茅招办首次出版了一本《50 Dartmouth Essays That Worked》。这本书现在上线亚马逊，Paperback $13.99 / Kindle $9.99。但是，在等书之际，我们不妨先读为快，品品Sample四篇的Environment/Nature主题文书。抱歉，那本篇不是广告，更没有折扣，白替他打个广告，希望达茅家原谅。

 

 

【达茅AO编注】

这四篇论文都涉及到自然和环境主题，着重于特定的地点或经历，创造性地描述有意义的个人时刻。对于这四篇中的每一篇来说，都有独特的主题，且在处理主题上的方式各不相同。从在阿拉斯加徒步旅行，到在威斯康星州生活，这些文书描绘了作者对于自己或他人的独特观察能力和成长经验。

这些文书中的一个共同特点，是它们将自然或环境作为讨论另一兴趣热情的基础。例如，第三篇写了对解决物理问题的热爱，将其比作学会享受具有挑战性的旅程，这是在Messer Pond 度过的时间里得出的结论。另外，第四篇将对猎菌的观察与祖先和加泰罗尼亚人为独立而斗争联系起来。

这些文书都靠着引人入胜的开篇来吸引读者进入故事。一句醒目的开篇句至关重要，能吸引读者并在整篇阅读中持续吸引他们。第一句也需暗示着故事中的关键的信息。一个环境为中心的文书故事，通过在自然中的经历，创造性地表达了作者的热情和个性。

下面是第一篇【A Wild Summer Cleared My Eyes】                                                 

We danced on the top of the mountain. My hands filled with jellybeans, I bounced around with the four girls I was spending my summer with. I looked about, memorizing the astonishing landscape that expanded before me. Ridgelines stretched into the distance, turning blue as they faded into the faraway horizon.

It was day 32 of a 45-day backpacking expedition through the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in northern Alaska, an experience I had dreamt about since I was nine. That day, we needed to move from one river valley to another, crossing a ridge along the way. After planning our trek, we began our journey upward. The sun shone, and lighthearted conversation soon filled the air. But just beyond a gentle curve, the grassy terrain turned to loose stones. The gradual slope disappeared, replaced with a steep mountain face. Alarmed, I called out to my leader, gesturing toward the towering ridge in front of us. "Are we going over that?" She turned to look at me, replying, "Yes, we are," before continuing to walk. Cautiously, I followed.

The ground began to slide beneath us, causing upward progress to slow as we carefully chose where to step. I looked back down the slope, realizing that one misstep would send me sliding down the mountain. As we continued, the wind picked up, and a layer of grey covered the previously blue sky. I felt something sting my face and looked up. Small hailstones began falling, and the patter of ice against my hood became the only sound I heard. A lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes. Already terrified, the evolving weather only added to my unease. All eyes turned toward our leader, as we questioned the safety of continuing up the mountain. "We have to get over it," she shouted, struggling to be heard over the swirling wind. Facing the ridge, she resumed the slow, deliberate trek upward. Taking a deep breath, I followed, keeping my gaze focused on the ground. Conversation ceased as we zigzagged up the slope, each person concentrating on their footing. As we climbed higher and higher, my fears began to multiply.

A month earlier, my thoughts, often occupied with worst-case scenarios, would have been consumed with these fears. When looking at the world I live in, I seemed to see only hate, violence, and inequality. This perspective weighed on me. I wasn't able to appreciate happiness because I was fixated on finding things that were wrong with my life and the world. Then I went to Alaska, and everything changed. I began to see the beauty the world has to offer. It wasn't only the beauty of the mountains and caribou; I began to notice the beauty in rainstorms and impossible climbs. Instead of only allowing myself to see the darkness in the world, I slowly opened my eyes to the goodness of people, and the happiness spending time with others could bring. When looking at that slope, I saw more than loose rock and a nearing storm; I saw an opportunity to test my limits and strengthen the bonds within my group. I felt hopeful.

It seemed like we had been climbing for an eternity when the slope began to level. I raised my head, a smile crawling across my face. The ground in front of us was flat, the valleys behind the ridgeline opening up before us. We cheered and began to dance around. A new wave of energy filled the air, with peals of laughter soaring above the gusting wind. We had survived the ascent.

Someone grabbed a bag of jellybeans, and we took handfuls of the well-deserved treat. Despite the still-developing weather and the idea of a steep descent looming over us, we took time to celebrate on what seemed like the top of the world. We made it, so we danced.

【凸评一】

文章的开头和结尾都很精彩，一句“dance on top of the mountain”把读者干脆利落地拉进故事。作者对风景和经历的描述也生动，让读者感觉身临其境。像“Ridgelines stretched into the distance, turning blue as they faded into the faraway horizon”这样的句子，画面感十足，很有感染力。

“Small hailstones”和“ patter of ice”之后， “a lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes”以既视的恐惧，来设置阅读悬念。笔头此刻突然转向月前的对比，引出“ridgeline opening up”和“new wave of energy”，征服wilderness的希望和喜悦。情感旅程，让阅读产生共鸣。最后，“so we danced”呼应开篇，让故事更加丰富有趣。

这篇的叙述虽然流畅生动，但还是不乏需要改进之处。稍微调整一下过渡和一些小的语法错误，文章会更加引人入胜。比如，开篇的句子，仍可缩减“We danced atop the mountain”。另外，"A lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes"，可以改成"A lump rose in my throat, tears pricking the corners of my eyes"。 还有，从爬山转换到心理反思的部分，显得生硬，中间需要加个过度句就更顺畅了。

好吧，我承认，这只是还不错的一篇，谈不上很好。叙述上来讲，不足比哈佛文书的起承转合。从主题上来讲，没有哈佛文书的那种压人两头的价值观。但是，这篇所表现的，是一个真实的teenager的真实的生活和成长，没有哈佛文书里明显的“拔苗助长”感吧。这是让我喜欢这篇的原因。

精彩，还在后头。