风萧萧_Frank
以文会友
一本适合建立良好关系的好书
https://www.gatesnotes.com/How-to-Know-a-Person?
David Brooks 的新书教会我们如何以及为什么让每个字都发挥作用。
比尔盖茨 2024 年 5 月 21 日
当我年轻的时候，我会非常乐意独自在房间里花几个小时看书，了解我最近的痴迷，并让我的思绪飘荡。但我妈妈有意为我创造参与和社交的机会——鼓励我与来访我们家的所有客人互动，并让我在爸爸的工作活动中担任迎宾。她认为与他人建立联系是一项必须培养的技能，即使（或者可能特别是）对于像我这样的内向孩子来说也是如此。
在阅读了 David Brooks 的最新著作《如何了解一个人：深刻观察他人和被深刻观察的艺术》后，我最近一直在思考这个问题。这是我的朋友 Bernie Noe 推荐给我的，我很想一探究竟，因为我认识 David，也很喜欢他之前写的《品格之路》。（另外：每当 Bernie 向我推荐一本书时，我都会读。）这本书的关键前提是我在其他书中找不到的：对话和社交技能不仅仅是天生的特质——它们可以学习和提高。
作为一个一直更喜欢制作软件而不是闲聊的人，我发现这个想法既新颖又有启发性。因此，尽管其中的一些建议可能看起来相当简陋，但这本书现在是我最喜欢的 David 所写的内容。
在阅读《如何了解一个人》时，我做了大量笔记，并反思了自己的沟通风格。在第 6 章“良好的谈话”中，David 深入探讨了什么使谈话有意义。它真的让我思考我什么时候全身心投入谈话，什么时候我只是试图保存精力或避免被打断。我不得不自嘲一下，因为我知道我曾经在谈论自己感兴趣的话题时犯过错误??，比如肥料的历史，而没有总是去检查对方是否感兴趣。
这本书的一个重要启示是积极倾听的重要性——或者，用大卫的话来说，大声倾听。“当另一个人在说话时，”他写道，“你要积极地倾听，这样你几乎是在燃烧卡路里。”当我对一个话题非常感兴趣时，我很擅长这种倾听，尤其是当我在学习新东西的时候。但这本书清楚地表明，当听别人谈论他们正在面对的困难或他们引以为豪的成就时，带着同样的热情是多么具有变革性。
幸运的是，这本书充满了做到这一点的实用建议。 David 强调了我发现在自己的生活中真正有用的一点：提出开放式问题——使用诸如“你是怎么……”、“感觉怎么样……”、“告诉我……”和“在哪些方面……”之类的短语——邀请人们以更深入的方式分享他们的经验和观点。David 还建议使用“循环”技术，即解释某人刚刚说的话，以确保你正确理解了他们。他赞同专家称之??为 SLANT 的方法来传达对话中的注意力和兴趣：坐直、身体前倾、提问、点头并跟踪说话者。
我发现这本书特别引人注目的是它表明这些技能与各种关系和互动都相关。无论您是在与亲密朋友聊天、与同事聊天，还是在排队等芝士汉堡时与某人寒暄，全神贯注和关注都可以改变这种相遇。这些简单的练习可以大大帮助别人感到被倾听和重视。
我读得越多，就越意识到这本书的见解与我们在当今世界面临的更广泛挑战息息相关。早在 1995 年，当我写《未来之路》时，我就预测技术将使我们更容易与家乡保持联系并与他人分享我们的生活。而且在很多方面，它确实做到了。但大卫在第 8 章“失明的流行病”中指出，技术也导致了孤独感和疏离感的增加。我们可能比以往任何时候都更加紧密地联系在一起，但我们真的看到并理解彼此了吗？
考虑到大卫强调的社会和政治分歧，这个问题变得更加紧迫。他引用的有关抑郁症、自杀和不信任上升的统计数据令人震惊，他认为这种社会分裂加剧了我们的政治分歧。他讨论了政治如何成为真正联系的替代品——导致人们从向不同意的人大喊大叫而不是试图理解他们中获得满足感——突出了一个让我非常担心的趋势。
在书中，大卫将这些社会弊病与我们教育体系的变化联系起来。他认为，学校已经不再教授他所谓的“道德和社会技能”，而是
这让我们无法建立牢固的关系和社区。这当然是一个有趣且及时的论点，但我希望它能得到进一步的发展。我有兴趣阅读更多关于大卫如何定义这种教学方式、他如何衡量这些变化以及他认为教育如何有助于扭转一些令人不安的社会趋势的内容。事实上，我认为还有另一本书等着我们来写。
不过，在很大程度上，大卫的书之所以如此引人注目，是因为它挑战我们将书中的见解付诸实践。它是关于我们在互动中要有意识，无论是提出更深思熟虑的问题、充分倾听答案，还是表达真诚的感激。它是关于以慷慨和好奇心进行对话，寻找联系和理解的方式。它是关于意识到即使是小事——比如在正确的时间提出正确的问题或给予赞美——也能对建立关系产生重大影响。我确信我从这本书中学到的东西会伴随我很长时间。
总的来说，我极力推荐《如何了解一个人》。它不仅是一本更好的对话指南，更是一份更加紧密、更人性化的生活方式的蓝图。对于任何想要加深关系、拓宽视野的人来说，这都是一本必读之书——我相信它有能力让我们成为更好的朋友、同事和公民。
A good read for great connections
https://www.gatesnotes.com/How-to-Know-a-Person?
David Brooks' new book teaches us how—and why—to make every word count.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately after reading David Brooks's newest book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. It was recommended to me by my friend Bernie Noe, and I was eager to dive in because I know David and enjoyed his previous book, The Road to Character. (Also: Whenever Bernie recommends a book to me, I read it.) The key premise is one I haven't found in any other book: that conversational and social skills aren't just innate traits—they can be learned and improved upon.
As someone who has always been more comfortable making software than small talk, I found this idea both refreshing and informative. As a result, even though some of its advice may seem fairly rudimentary, the book is now my favorite of anything David has written.
While reading How to Know a Person, I took a ton of notes and reflected on my own communication style. In Chapter 6, "Good Talks," David dives into what makes a conversation meaningful. It really got me thinking about when I am fully present and engaged in a conversation, and when am I just trying to preserve my energy or avoid being interrupted. I had to laugh at myself a bit, because I know I've been guilty of talking about topics I find fascinating, like the history of fertilizer, without always checking to see if the other person is interested.
One powerful takeaway from the book is the importance of active listening—or, as David calls it, loud listening. “When another person is talking,” he writes, “you want to be listening so actively that you’re practically burning calories.” I’m pretty good at that kind of listening when I’m super interested in a topic, especially when I’m learning something new. But the book made clear how transformative it can be to bring that same enthusiasm when listening to someone talk about a hardship they’re dealing with or an accomplishment they’re proud of.
Fortunately, the book is full of practical advice for doing that. David emphasizes something I’ve found really helpful in my own life: asking open-ended questions—with phrases like "How did you…," "What's it like…," "Tell me about…," and "In what ways…"—that invite people to share their experiences and perspectives in a more in-depth way. David also recommends using the "looping" technique, where you paraphrase what someone has just said to ensure you've understood them correctly. And he endorses what experts call the SLANT method to convey attention and interest in a conversation: Sit up, Lean forward, Ask questions, Nod, and Track the speaker.
What I found especially compelling about the book is how it shows that these skills are relevant across all kinds of relationships and interactions. Whether you're catching up with a close friend, chatting with a coworker, or just exchanging pleasantries with someone while waiting in line for a cheeseburger, being fully present and attuned can transform the encounter. These simple practices can go a long way in making others feel heard and valued.
The more I read, the more I realized how much the book's insights connect to the broader challenges we face in today's world. Back in 1995, when I wrote The Road Ahead, I predicted that technology would make it easier for us to stay connected with our hometowns and share our lives with others. And in many ways, it has. But David argues in Chapter 8, "The Epidemic of Blindness," that technology has also contributed to a growing sense of loneliness and disconnection. We may be more connected than ever, but are we truly seeing and understanding each other?
This question becomes even more urgent when considering the social and political divisions David highlights. The statistics he cites about the rise in depression, suicide, and distrust are alarming, and he makes the case that this social unraveling is fueling our political divides. His discussion about how politics can become a substitute for genuine connection—leading people to get their satisfaction from yelling at those they disagree with instead of trying to understand them—highlights a trend that worries me a great deal.
In the book, David connects these social ills to changes in our education system. He argues that schools have shifted away from teaching what he calls “moral and social skills,” and that this has left us ill-equipped to build strong relationships and communities. It’s an interesting and timely argument for sure, but I wished it were further built out. I’d be interested in reading more about how David defines this type of teaching, how he measures the changes, and how he thinks education can help reverse some of these troubling social trends. In fact, I think there’s another book waiting to be written here.
For the most part, though, what makes David's book so compelling is that it challenges us to put its insights into practice. It's about being intentional in our interactions, whether that means asking more thoughtful questions, fully listening to the answers, or expressing genuine appreciation. It's about approaching conversations with generosity and curiosity, looking for ways to connect and understand. And it's about realizing that even small things—like asking the right question at the right time or giving a nice compliment—can make a big difference in building relationships. I’m certain that what I learned from the book will stay with me for a long time.
Overall, I can’t recommend How to Know a Person highly enough. More than a guide to better conversations, it’s a blueprint for a more connected and humane way of living. It's a must-read for anyone looking to deepen their relationships and broaden their perspectives—and I believe it has the power to make us better friends, colleagues, and citizens.
