人工流產療傷之9

My story is dedicated to the numerous women suffering the pain of abortion alone in silence.

I was an international graduate student from China. I was 22 year old when I had an abortion. I did not have a legal status then and did not have a work permit, did not have a scholarship. To save money, i lived in a place where the rent was nearly one third of the price but I had many roommates. One of the roommates eventually took an interest in me. He became my BF.  On top of that, my BF presured me into having sex. I lost my virgnity and got pregnant. It was out of sheer shame and disappointment, also the fear of being found out, that I scheduled my abortion as soon as I found out I was pregant. I was going to a lab to get myself tested for pregnancy almost every week. the second testing showed that I was pregnant almost right away. My abortion date was set five weeks away. I went there alone, thinking nothing of it. When I returned, I was a different person. I was mean, angry and irrational and abusive. I started to call my BF a coward. I secretly wished he would have married me and I would have carried the child to term. I was so ashamed of being a mother outside marriage. Over the next 14 years, I was a crazy woman striving for sanity. I went to church almost every day I could. I was there Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I thought going to church and being there all the time would prevent bad things from happening. I dressed myself in rags with uncombed hair. On top of that, I managed to be successful at work because of the amount of praying and work I was doing. Yet I felt that all the success was paid at the price of the sacrifice of my child. I was deeply depressed, and suicidal. I could hold no relationships. I could not date, and could not feel. I was numb day in and day out. I wished I would die. When my BF proposed to me and said I want to give you a good life, I could not imagine what a good life would be for me. I did not think i would deserve it. Of course i lost him eventually. My suicidality ended when I attended Rachel's vineyard. For the first time, I realized that I had a boy, and that his name is Michael John. He was meant to be an angel to me. Yet I gave his life away. Yet he loves me and forgives me and wants me to treat myself well. This revealation changed my life. I was able to forgive myself because my son whom I aborted forgave me. Today, I am truly grateful that RV set me on a road of recovery from this shame, and guilt. Thank you Lord, for setting me free and for forgiving me. I praise you and worship you for your unending love towards me and towards my aborted son. Thank you RV for saving my life.