jgey的单身日记
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正文
我无法停止思考, 总是有一些事情在我的脑海里盘转. 反反复复的想着同一件事情, 但是每次进行到同一点, 就无法继续, 好象电脑程序中的deadlock. 我明白, 是我潜意识里不想去想, 但我却反复的逼迫自己去想. 所以到了最艰苦的阶段, 没有来由的终止.
Company party last night was great, I had fun and again, very much drunk. There was no blackout, but still, some part of memories was blurred. I called B, we talked, I cant remember what exactly we talked about, I have been trying to recall the talk for a whole day, didnt work. It seems fine, no argument, but more like tears. I remember some coworkers saw me with tears and asked me whether I was ok, and I had to rush into the bathroom to cool myself down. I watched the movie one more time today, Eat, Pray, Love, and somehow it makes a lot more sense now. Its so difficult to stop thinking, stop trying to control everything, and we all afraid of changes, the simplest way 'Let it be' is the hardest for a control-freak like me. With B, we both have issues, after certain time I spent on blaming him, I realized that I was trying to control the relationship as much as he did. I should just let it be, and go with the flow, but its always easy to say. Maybe I do expect too much for a relationship, or I am simply afraid of the change between us, like every relationship, the heat would be vanishing sooner or later. But I do miss him, and I cant deny that, do I really wanna keep trying on this? I dont know, for now I have no answer. The good thing is, I am leaving soon. Once I am out of my real life and all the issues, I might be able to see things more clearly. Hopefully by the time i coming back, I would have got an answer for myself.
I drink too much recently, it seems every time I cant wait to get myself drunk, then pass out, then think nothing. Maybe that is the most efficient way to stop thinking. But I got to get control on it, before I become a real alcoholic. I have nothing to say for my birthday, all I can think now is to pack my stuff and get out of Tokyo as soon as possible. Parents, especially mom, still nagging about me being single, but recently I have more doubt than ever on marriage and kids. Do I really want the life everybody is living? I think, whenever I wanna leave, I can just leave without any doubt or concern, that kinda freedom is something i dont wanna give up in life, never.
Company party last night was great, I had fun and again, very much drunk. There was no blackout, but still, some part of memories was blurred. I called B, we talked, I cant remember what exactly we talked about, I have been trying to recall the talk for a whole day, didnt work. It seems fine, no argument, but more like tears. I remember some coworkers saw me with tears and asked me whether I was ok, and I had to rush into the bathroom to cool myself down. I watched the movie one more time today, Eat, Pray, Love, and somehow it makes a lot more sense now. Its so difficult to stop thinking, stop trying to control everything, and we all afraid of changes, the simplest way 'Let it be' is the hardest for a control-freak like me. With B, we both have issues, after certain time I spent on blaming him, I realized that I was trying to control the relationship as much as he did. I should just let it be, and go with the flow, but its always easy to say. Maybe I do expect too much for a relationship, or I am simply afraid of the change between us, like every relationship, the heat would be vanishing sooner or later. But I do miss him, and I cant deny that, do I really wanna keep trying on this? I dont know, for now I have no answer. The good thing is, I am leaving soon. Once I am out of my real life and all the issues, I might be able to see things more clearly. Hopefully by the time i coming back, I would have got an answer for myself.
I drink too much recently, it seems every time I cant wait to get myself drunk, then pass out, then think nothing. Maybe that is the most efficient way to stop thinking. But I got to get control on it, before I become a real alcoholic. I have nothing to say for my birthday, all I can think now is to pack my stuff and get out of Tokyo as soon as possible. Parents, especially mom, still nagging about me being single, but recently I have more doubt than ever on marriage and kids. Do I really want the life everybody is living? I think, whenever I wanna leave, I can just leave without any doubt or concern, that kinda freedom is something i dont wanna give up in life, never.
from Been there, Done that.