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How to get along when college grads move back home with parents

Story by LEANNE ITALIE

 •How to get along when college grads move back home with parents https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careers/how-to-get-along-when-college-grads-move-back-home-with-parents/ar-AA1GAP5L?ocid=BingNewsBrowse 

NEW YORK (AP) — A shaky economy. Overwhelming student debt. Few job prospects. Some recent college graduates have a burdensome mountain of reasons to move back home. For others, the choice may be easy as they seek to save money, or desire the physical and emotional comforts of family.But the familiar may feel different with the changing dynamics that come with growing up. One thing is certain: If you're a new grad or the parents of one, you're not alone in navigating new terrain.Maturity and respect among all parties is a good place to start before those packing boxes arrive. So is having a clear path forward. Consider these tips for making it all work.

Set clear expectations early

Richard Ramos, a parenting trainer and author of “Parents on a Mission,” urges parents and their young adult children to break from their traditional roles.

For parents, shift from authority to ally.

“You’re no longer parenting a teenager. You’re relating to an emerging adult. Move from ‘manager’ to ‘mentor.’ Offer guidance, not control. Maintain your home as a launchpad, not a landing strip for them to get too comfortable in,” he says.

 

Grads, come home with humility.

“You may have a degree, but you’re still under your parents’ roof,” Ramos says. “Show appreciation. Contribute to the household. Asking before assuming you can simply take shows your growth as a young adult. Honor the space they’ve made for you.”

Drill down to specifics

As a counselor and parent, Veronica Lichtenstein knows firsthand what Ramos means. Her 26-year-old son has been living at home for two years since graduation to save money for his first house.

“I’ve learned that clear, collaborative boundaries are the foundation of harmony,” she says.

 

Related video: Uncomfortable Conversations: How to convince your grown child to move out on their own (USA TODAY)

USA TODAY

Uncomfortable Conversations: How to convince your grown child to move out on their own

Lichtenstein has lots of practical advice, starting with a “living contract” created cooperatively.

“His proposed terms became the starting point for negotiation. This empowered him to take ownership while ensuring mutual respect. The final signed agreement covered everything from chores to quiet hours,” she says.

Common areas must be left clean, for example, and advance notice is required if he plans group gatherings.

“Emphasize that this is a temporary, goal-oriented arrangement,” Lichtenstein says. By that, she means: “We’re happy to support you for 12 months while you save X dollars.”

Regular check-ins keep everyone accountable.

Crystalize chores and shared resources

Amy McCready is the founder of PositiveParentingSolutions.com and author of “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic — A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.”

She suggests setting expectations when it comes to shared resources.

“If they’ll be driving your vehicle, be clear about when it’s available, who pays for gas or maintenance, and what responsibilities go with the privilege,” McCready says. “Use ‘when-then’ phrasing to keep things respectful and direct: When your responsibilities are done, then the car is available.”

 

If conflict arises, it’s often because everyone reverts to old roles and old rules, she says. “Pause and ask, ‘Are we interacting like we did when they were 17?'”

Then reset with intention.

What about special guests?

Parents need to decide if conjugal visits for resident adult children are something they're comfortable with. Such overnight visits with romantic partners can be tricky, McCready notes.

“If overnight visits aren’t something you’re OK with, it’s completely appropriate to set that boundary,” she says. “You might say, ‘We’re so glad you’re here, and we want everyone to feel comfortable. For us, that means no overnight guests while you’re living at home.’”

Parents can ask to be told ahead of time if their grad plans to sleep elsewhere.

Parents, be careful not to judge

Eric Wood, director of the Counseling & Mental Health Center at Texas Christian University, says parents should check in on their frustrations over the new living scenario. Their graduate might feel embarrassed and worry that they're a burden.

“Don’t judge, especially with the current job market and recent global events. It’s important not to be critical of a graduate who must return home,” he says. “Just like we advise incoming college students not to rush into a certain academic major, it’s more important not to rush into an entry career position. Establishing a solid trajectory for a successful and happy career is the priority.”

Wood said the new mantra for parents should be: Support, but don't problem solve when it comes to fully launching a grad.

“It’s important for the parent or family member not to act as if they are trying to solve a problem,” he says. “Doing so will only send a message that the graduate is a problem and could lead to conflicts.”

评论
Jiejing20222025-06-10 02:21:39回复悄悄话我个人认为，“全职子女”现象恰恰是一个信号，预示着生命禅院时代的到来。对于做父母的来说，也该警醒了——养儿未必能防老，甚至还有可能被“啃老”。

归根结底，这一切的问题，源于婚姻家庭这个早已落后的生活程序所带来的自然弊端。正因为如此，我坚信：无论是“全职子女”，还是整个世界正在经历困惑与挣扎的人们，生命禅院和第二家园，才是他们唯一的出路与最终的归宿。

我无意去评判“全职子女”，因为我自己也曾经历过那个阶段，深知其中的辛酸与无奈。在一个错误的生产和生活程序中，若还妄图开出灿烂美好的善良之花，那无异于南柯一梦。
野彪2025-06-10 01:38:47回复悄悄话随着科技的发展，本来就不需要那么多人工作。
科技越来越发达，如果大家都得工作，都越来越累的话，就不如不要再发展科技了。
SeanZhu19872025-06-09 22:47:31回复悄悄话“啃老族”患抑郁症的概率是普通青年的5.7倍？ 这个数据哪里来的。 我没有查到！

** 

“全职子女”的问题，不仅是家庭之殇，更是社会的隐患。这些人不是个别懒散者，而是一代人面对压力和焦虑的集体逃跑。他们既不独立，也不反抗；既不奋斗，也不改革。他们不是“觉醒者”，而是“投降派”。这场青春的逃避战，需要全社会埋单。国家养老体系因此承压、父母的老年生活被打乱、社会的创新活力被消磨。最终的结果，可能是今天你为你儿子买房，明天你孙子啃你儿子，代际依赖链一环扣一环，直至整条链条断裂。

 

“全职子女”并不可耻，长期啃老也不一定是错。但如果“全职”的背后是懒惰与逃避，而“子女”的身份成为放弃奋斗的借口，那这就不是什么新型生活方式，而是一种包装精美的社会退化。我们需要反思的，不仅是年轻人何以放弃努力，更是整个社会如何悄无声息地为这种放弃提供了合法性与遮蔽性。当啃老不再是权宜之计，而成了“职业选择”；当父母的爱成了子女赖以偷懒的保险；当奋斗变成笑话，依赖成了道德；那么这个社会，也就距离“全面啃老化”不远了。愿下一个新词，不再是“全职孙子”。

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