初次约会付帐问题

We got some interesting feedback when we wrote about whether a guy should be expected to pay for most everything in the initial phases of courtship. (Our position: The guy pays, especially if he does the asking, but we encourage even a halfheartedly mumbled attempt by the woman to spring for something -- a round of drinks, the tip, 10 percent of the bail bond -- mainly because such a gesture works wonders as a relationship, um, lubricant.)

Nearly all of the responses were from guys, most of whom felt victimized to some degree by women who wanted a free lunch, or dinner, or gourmet picnic in a verdant meadow (more about that later). Interestingly, no women wrote in outraged about how our opinion perpetuates the stereotype of men having to coddle and take care of the opposite sex because they can't take care of themselves. But then again, maybe our postman, er, letter carrier has been ill lately.

In any case, one of the missives stood out from the rest, and not just because it sailed through the transom affixed to a brick. It was from a guy named Rob (we won't identify him further, in case he might ever want to try dating again), who felt we weren't hard enough on women who seem to expect to be wined and dined ad infinitum. To illustrate his argument,

he broke down his expenses for a recent first date, from $7 for parking to $95 for a comedy show and drinks

he broke down his expenses for a recent first date, from $7 for parking to $95 for a comedy show and drinks. Oh, and with a high-end dinner in between. The total was around $200 for, he said, "someone I barely even know."

To which we can only respond, what, no private jet to Maui for a hot-stone massage in Hana?

Say what you will about who should pay for first dates (please discuss among yourselves, because we're officially sick of the topic), but Rob caused his own problem by going too far, too fast. And that's not something you'll hear very often from this space.

Which brings us to today's lesson: What is an appropriate activity for a first date?

(Let's stipulate that this is not an online-dating first date, for which the only acceptable venue is a Starbucks, or a crowded bar with two exits, preferably one near the restrooms. No, this is a true first date, arrived at only after a certain amount of flirting, emailing and driving by her house 50 times.)

The movies: No. Too much time spent in tortured silence. There will be plenty of opportunity for that later in the relationship.

• Gourmet picnic in a verdant meadow: No. This smacks of trying too hard. And what if she doesn't even like beefalo jerky and Coors Light?
• Parking, drinks, dinner, comedy show: No. See above. And Rob, enough with the dating cost/analysis spreadsheets. OK? Thanks.
• Dinner: Yes. Provided it's at a modest place (sometimes knows as a "joint") that doesn't serve a diminutive entree on a plate the size of a manhole cover. The fact is, most women are uncomfortable with first dates that are too lavish. (Or have we been misinformed yet again? Ladies?)
• Bowling: Yes. Because if one of you is demonstrably better than the other, you can put up the gutter bumpers and increase beer frames from one to three. In fact, we recommend that from the outset.
• The Boardwalk (or amusement park): Yes, if it's at night. Everyone looks better in the glow of pulsating neon. Particularly those who've just come from a grueling session at the Stardust Lanes.