家家有本难念的经zt

长夜漫漫，无心睡眠。5年感情就这样放手吗？过来人请指点！

来源: 灞桥烟柳 于 09-10-28 03:20:09

我以前用另一个ID，在跨坛挺活跃的。后来因为一些个人原因，变成潜水的。但是最近婚姻遇到了很大的困境， 不知道到底是维持还是走出来。请个位有经验的姐妹指点。

我跟老公是网上认识的，以前跨坛刚开始的时候，我还写过文章讲我们的故事。其实很简单，我跟ex分手后，经一个师姐建议，就到网上试着去交友。很快就认识了这个法国绅士。网上交流的不错，网下见面感觉也很好，除了年龄比我大一轮。我那时还是学生，感情经历也很简单。这个法国人形象，气质，谈吐，工作都不错，除了有点发胖。我觉得我好像遇到了来解救我的白马王子，他也觉得我跟他很适合，所以我们很快就结婚了，他也帮我用他的绿卡申请程序申请了绿卡。我那时在当时的学校，专业都过的很不开心，所以结婚后我就搬到他那里，换了专业和学校。

今年我们结婚满4年，过去的4年时间，我对美国生活，婚姻生活慢慢适应，也对新的专业越来越上手。我们大部分时间还是幸福的，可是我也渐渐发现他的一些问题。首先，他非常固执己见，如果是他认定的，就没有回旋的余地。只有他是对的，别人都是错的。其次，他有点controlfreak，无论做什么事，我都应该在他身边，但是他又不想跟我有什么交流，嫌我话多。周末我们一般都在家里，哪都不去，如果我的中国朋友请我们出去玩，或者去吃饭，他都不愿意去，结果有时候我也不能去。
以前跨坛举行的全家聚会，他都不要参加，说这种以婚姻中的种族为基础的聚会，是宣扬种族主义。后来我也不太参加这种活动了。再次，他有法国人的大国沙文主义，虽然法国是个小国，可是他们好像自我感觉都挺良好，觉得她们的文化， 科技，社会制度都更进步。反正对中国的态度，他就说China isstill a third worldcountry。一点也不考虑我的感受，也不想想中国很多地方发展的比法国好。中国城市人的住房条件比法国一些人的还好。我的中国朋友他也都不喜欢，说他们英语不好，当着他的面讲汉语，是不尊重他的表现。

今年，我总算毕业，还在这么差的经济情况下找到了工作。按理说我们应该很高兴才对，可是就最近这一个月，我们发生很多矛盾。我刚才跟他说了，我们去试一下marriage counseling。 他不愿意去，说都是我的问题。下面就是他给我的建议counseling的回信。法国人英语也不是太好，大家凑合着看。我也不怕家丑外扬了。

We don t need counseling, I need to considered your side, and you need to considered my side.

You keep dropping conversation with me to pick up calls from anybody,in my culture, this is very offending, and last Sunday, you totallydisappeared, doing strange sign to me that everybody around us waslooking at you, then, at me with the Expression, “What the F.ck” intheir face.



We are in USA here, you need to adapt to the basics of the culture.Here , when somebody call while you are in a discussion with yourhusband, they go after your husband, because your husband always havepriority.

When somebody call me while I am talking to you, I pick up and say “I will call you back later”.



It is not because I am strong and hard inside that I do not deserve thebasic respect. Then, after you make me mad, I have no excuse too, Butlast week end was over the top. You left me alone Saturday, and ignoredme Sunday morning in the starbucks. I just did to you, what you justdid to me there, and you got pissed off immediately, making my point.



You have to learn that I have feelings to, and if you don t respectthis, you can’t get well treated by somebody frustrated. You think I amtrying to dominate, but no, I am just asking the basics of a familyliving in USA, and you refuse to recognize that I know how a developedcountry family work, but I do! I am from one.



I am asking few thing, but you systematically refuse to acknowledge,for example, your medicine smell so bad, that after smelling this, Ican’t be in good mood, when it is the 1st thing I smell in the morning.I try not to do think that will make you feel bad, I don t put badFrench cheeses in the fridge, because I know Chinese people can’t standit. I pay attention to those, you never do, I have to take all the crapwithout complaining …

Well, I can’t anymore, you got to stop arguing and agree that something can’t be done in a mixed couple, as I did.



If I don’t hear about problems all the time, I will be much nicer, butthe constant comparison you make between you and other girls can’tcontinue , life is not a contest, we will never be happy if you don taccept that you are yourself, and not more than this, not less.

针对他的email， 我回了信。

From what you just said, I think we do need counseling.

1. I went out on Saturday with good reasons. I haven't practiced withmy friend S for a long time and he just invited me and two girl friendsto play piano and violin together. You said you'll be coding the wholeweekend and didn't want any interruptions. Saturday night was the biggroup dinner for the Hysta volunteers. I asked you to go with me, butyou refused. Does that mean if you don't want to go somewhere, I can'tgo either?

2. Sunday morning I went out to answer the phone, because the music wastoo loud in Starbucks and I could barely hear S. He was just asking howmy car is and if I still have sleeping problems. He's like an uncle tome, I can't just say I'll call you back and hang up. In my culture, wedon't simply hang up to a friend and a senior. That's a disrespect.According to you, China is a developing country and we don't haveproper manners.

3. I've had sleeping problems ever since coming back from France. Thesleeping pills American doctors gave me caused drowsiness in the dayeven when I was driving to work. Herbal medicine was my last hope.After you told me your feelings, I moved the pot out to the garage. Ican compromise in most cases, but I have my bottom line when it's aboutmy health.

4. When I compare myself with other girls, I was not complaining orwhining. It's just my way of setting up a goal or role model. Itreminds myself there's always someone better than me and I can alwaysimprove to a higher standard. It's just me and I was not trying to pissoff anyone or go to a competition. I grew up in a culture where parentsset up role models or high standards for their kids. The comparison Idid most time was not based on any sick or unnatural emotion. I'm anormal girl, just like other girls. I sometime compare myself withother girls to know how bad or good I am. I think many other girls dothat too. I didn't mean to offend you and didn't even expect anyresponse from you.

Based on above, I think we do have very different opinions aboutwhat happened to us. The culture difference and personality issues arebigger than we expected. I think you deserve someone better for you,someone from a developed country, not from an uncivilized developingcountry. As you mentioned yesterday, You'll talk to your lawyer. pleasedo and well protect your property. I tried for 4 years, but notsuccessful. you deserve someone better.

结果今天晚上他就说我利用了他。我说我现在有工作了，有收入了，我希望我在这个家庭也有控制力，发言权，不要什么都以他为主。他有3辆车，还想再买一个超级跑车，要我用工资帮他。可是我自己开的是一辆94年的BMW，他从他同事那里捡便宜买来的，上个周末就在朋友S家门口熄火了。昨天修的时候，修车部的人就说，你这个车跑太久了，有可能还会坏。我就说，那我要买辆新车，他听了却说，要先买他要的跑车！我就说，反正你也买不成。（因为他的信用纪录太差，被银行拒绝了loan）结果他就说，他再也受不了我的态度了，他要找律师谈话！

今天晚上，他说一切矛盾都是因为我想甩开他，还说他所有的朋友都告诉他，我找到工作后一定会离开他。可是我根本就没有这个意思，只不过想对自己的收入，自己的生活更有控制一些。我不能再跟他象以前一样，他的薪水再高，我们还是月光族。我希望把钱用在最需要的地方，比如refinance房子，还掉我的2万的学生贷款。再给我买辆新车，还要存钱给将来生孩子做准备。可是他想的都是要买超级跑车，尽管自己被拒绝了，还是要再试。

过去的几年里，因为我还在上学，我父母在经济上支援了我们很多，在我们差点失去这个房子的时候，他们借给我们很多钱，去放在downpayment里，我们才有可能付的起那个利息超高的月付。可是当我跟他说，我妈明年首次要来看我，在我离家7年之后，他却说，你妈妈在这里最多能住3星期，时间长了我受不了！他哥哥每次来美国，都是随便住随便吃，我都得天天陪着出去玩，买东西，他还买很重的礼物或者给他哥哥钱，在我们也捉襟见肘的情况下。

还有一点，这个人超级邋遢。东西在家里从来都是随便放，他的书房更是没有下脚的地方。每次说让他打扫，他都说，别烦我别烦我，我忙着呢。我以前很好客的，经常请朋友到我的apt玩，自从跟他在一起之后，我都跟以前的朋友渐渐疏远了，不好意思请别人来我们家。实在是太乱了！他的借口就是，他工作忙，要挣钱，打扫卫生不是他的priority，可是当我说我可以帮他打扫时，他总是不让我碰他的东西。我在这个家的职责范围，也就是周末洗洗厨房，厕所，洗洗衣服，整理卧室，其他的区域，好像都不属于我。。。。。这是什么， cleaning lady？

我从夏天开始，因为找不到工作，他给我的压力也听大的，整天睡不着。现在工作了，还是调解不过来，可是跟他一说，他就说，不明白为什么还有人睡不着，那是你自己有问题！我尝试中药，他说那是巫术，而不顾我吃西药副作用超级大的事实。

今晚我再次跟他说，我们应该去见marriage counseling，他还是不想去，说到后来，就说要去见他的律师，让我周末搬出去。其实搬出去很容易，我也没什么东西。任何决定，一旦下了，就不能反悔。我就是在这里征求大家的意见，我应该跟他服软，继续这样的婚姻呢，还是应该就这样放手？！

谢谢大家！