I Ache For You

My mother and my grandmothers never said "I love you" to any of us　who still make them sigh in the deep of the night and their hearts ache xin teng, 心疼， a phrase that raised me reminding me the opposite of love & the opposite of ache They have been practical with everything to live on salary, rice, salt, meat, words every laughter is a ritual sacrifice abundant girlhood, youth, dreams tears can be sweet and when heart aches we are told it's real What do words have to do with the first pain I made my mother suffer? Now my heart is old enough to understand my mother tongue though I have forgotten the ritual, but sacrifice still abundant And I learned the universal phrase "I love you"---perfect grammar---subject verb object I say to my significant other friends, coworkers, pet, strangers in square protesting against war except my mother, grandmother (the other one died when I was 13) who to this day still prefer the old metaphor of heart and ache Between two languages I have to make my own before I lose them all metaphor and grammar myself and non-self love is sweet but the ache of the heart so real ---2004