My very first blog: 焦急，担心和期待--正在等待他的‘判决’

(Here are just some random thoughts. There are too many things in my mind these days, so the structure here is a bit messy.)

I used to plan out everything ahead so that I could always be prepared for unexpected events taking place. However, I just find out I can’t do my planning anymore. I don’t know if my love has any future. Maybe, I should say I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or, if there is any ‘tomorrow’ for my love. Sad, ah? Yeah, I know. Just like what my favorite song says, any promise or future is too heavy for us to take on. Even worse, I don’t dare to ask your feeling about me anymore. I am very scared that you feel my love to you is too much or I ask for too much so that you can’t stand anymore and need to walk away. Is it very desperate for love without future? Love gives us energy because it pushes us to make arduous efforts for a better tomorrow. So, if there’s no tomorrow for a love, where can I get my courage to keep on it? I am not sure. I know I am so looking forward to meeting you again this December. I know I have pictured several times that in December, you can come to pick me up at the airport, give me a big hug, have dinner with me in a nice restaurant, take me a walk by Victoria Harbor at night, send me back to hotel, kiss my forehead before I go to bed, go shopping with me, or even play some piano again….Picturing these moments is sweet enough for me. But, at the same time, I also warn myself that it’s going to be in 6 months, and everything can change during these 6 months. I don’t know if our love’s going to be strong or deep enough to survive through these 6 months. Especially, we are not sure what our strong emotion is consisted of. More friendship or more love, or something else? I don’t know the answer, both for me, and for you. If time can examine everything, OK, we will know in 6 months. Or, maybe I don’t get a chance to do anything if you find a girlfriend or if you want to go back to normal friendship at some point during these 6 months. I know I can’t do anything. I am the one who can’t offer anything at the very beginning. This morning, I asked myself if you love me a lot, whether it will be very cruel to ask you to present in my wedding. I think so. I think it’s very horrible to ask a guy to attend his lover’s wedding while he’s not the gloom, I mean, if he real loves the girl a lot. Therefore, I do want more from you, but I just can’t ask for more. I don’t want to make you feel bad, or I don’t want to understand you don’t care me as much as I think. It’s mainly my fault to create such kind of mess. Oh well, go back to the future-planning topic. As I warn myself that nothing is certain for the next 6 months, I shouldn’t have high expectation or excitement for December, otherwise I will hurt myself seriously. 6 months seems so far away. I want to discuss with you about when I flight back, how much time you can give me and what we can do in HK, but I know it will be useless. If we aren’t even sure what will happen tomorrow, how can we plan for something in 6 months? Deep in my heart, I hope December can give me some sweet memory, not nightmare such as separation or seeing you dating someone else. (side, I feel my selfishness again…I know I can’t occupy your whole life, and you have to find someone else at some point. So, I can’t just be angry or upset seeing you going with another girl…..)

In terms of going back the end of the year, if you ask me what’s my most expected events, I will say: most importantly, meeting you again; then seeing my family. The wedding? Strangely, that’s actually the part I have least feeling about. It’s just a ceremony, in which I am assigned to be the main actress. I just need to perform it following everyone’s instruction and read the scripts. Any other thoughts? Yeah, I am like going into a tomb. I didn’t understand why people before called marriage a ‘tomb’, but now I do. For my case, once I go into it, I have to stay in it. I can’t get out, unless something terribly wrong happens to it. Maybe I can escape, but I need someone who’s brave enough and powerful enough to break it from outside, and save me. Sadly, I don’t think you are willing to. I think we are acquiescent that we don’t want to hurt the other guy in the tomb, who is innocent and nice to me as always. OK, if that’s the case, I am going to spend my whole life to admit to this fact. I don’t know. Maybe the core of the whole situation is that you and me really need to talk about where our relation is going and how we are doing this. I know we never get a chance to have any detailed discussion. Or, maybe we just give up answering that question and let time settle everything. Yeah, time can precipitate all the heavy feelings—the real important ones. But at the same time, it’s also irresponsible to let time answer the question. It seems like we just keep postponing the problem, and don’t dare to face it. At least for me, I feel that way. Why? I know the ultimate result, the most realistic result and the best result is to let go, let’s go back to good friends like before, let me appreciate my own marriage. But, I just can’t give up something so important and beautiful. I know once I give up, I don’t know where to find my true love. For so many years, I’ve been trying to feel real love (not appreciation). I lost it once; I don’t like seeing it slip through my fingers the second time. Love is torturing, but is also joyous. I can still be tortured a bit longer.

(This message is written while I am waiting for my L’s reply to some important questions that I asked. I get no confidence and become a bit nervous and worried…)