20060724 Love is toturing, stressful and selfish?

Finally, chatting with you on MSN gave me some happyness and courage that I missed for almost a week. I actually had talked to you for a few times last week, but everytime, you either didn't have enough time for me, or just asked me how everything was going on my side in a smooth tone, without talking anything in depth. Although knowing each other's life was also a way to keep in touch, my heart does want more than that, something different than the talk between regular friends. No matter how short it is, if you can just express some of your feelings, I will be satisfied. But, again, I don't want you to feel embarrassed or annoyed, so I try not to ask you.

Today's talk was a great pleasure. You sensed how I feel these days: a bit stressful and a bit torturing...Yeah, stressful and torturing, not a bit, rather, pretty much a significant amount that almost shut down my daily life...But, as I told you, love is both torturing and joyous. I just can't avoid the torturing part. I hope every torturing step is leading to the joyous ones, such as a few days' wating for your sweet words on msn. Although it's torturing and stressful, as long as it can give me some hope, everything is worthy.

You asked me whether you are selfish that you can't come on msn. I don't think I can make that judgement. First of all, I am not sure how exactly you are thinking. If you are too busy to go online and that's your personality, but you still have me in your heart, well, I can't complain. And, off course I can't call it 'selfish'. However, if you just take "busy" as an excuse and try to avoid me to make your conscience feel better, then it is unfair to me. But, again, I can't call it selfish as you are doing something morally corret. You said I really can't tell which case you belong to. You are right. I always try to think you never lie to me, and hopefuly you will never. Secondly, I don't think I am the appropiate person to make that judgement. If we really want to find out who is selfish, I think it would be me. Standing between you and him, not knowing how to move on, lying to him and holding you back for my selfish L, I think those are really selfish. If you think you are selfish, that's all because of my selfish willings. Therefore,I just can't comment on how you behave.



I don't know. I try not to be selfish, but it's just hard for a girl in love. But, I'm also thinking: what exactly is the definition for 'selfish'? Or, who are we actually living for? Should we have a life for the people loving us, the people we love, or ourselves? How can we make a balance between moral and our own willings? Do we have to sacrifice our own rights to fit into the social standards? I'm not sure about how to answer either of these questions......