对家暴说不

由御树林枫节选翻译

针对男性的家庭暴力与针对女性的家庭暴力非常相似，以肢体虐待、感情虐待、语言虐待和经济虐待为形式。 -- Jan Brown ， 家庭暴力男性热线执行理事和奠基人。 （按：针对女性的家庭暴力往往还有性虐待。）

Jan Brown 说： 如同针对女性的家庭暴力，在针对男性的家庭暴力中的施虐伴侣会：

· 用拒绝给予赞同、感激或感情来作为惩罚

· 指责、谩骂或喊叫

· 拿走钥匙和钱

· 常规地威胁要离开你或赶你出去

· 威胁要伤害你或家人

· 当生你的气时惩罚孩子或剥夺你的孩子

· 威胁如果你要离开就绑架孩子

· 虐待或伤害你的宠物

· 骚扰你在公众中已经建立的配偶形象

· 用谎言和驳斥来操纵你

· 毁坏家具，在墙上凿洞、破坏电器

· 以威胁的方式挥舞刀 / 枪

· 生气事打、踢、推搡、咬、吐唾沫或扔东西

区别

Brown 解释说，受害的男性和女性的一个非常不同点是：根据家庭暴力男性热线的网页，男人更容易因为遭受虐待而感觉尴尬，更不会报告， 他们经常担心“如果人们知道我被一个女人痛殴，人家会怎么想？”“我不想被嘲笑，没人会相信我。”

另一个非常不同点是：根据对家庭暴力受害妇女的调查，当女人被虐待时，她们会被推搡、殴打或被枪威胁；女人施虐时，会扔东西、踢或咬，抄家伙打、威胁用刀，或实际使用刀。

也许最重要的区别在于：打人的女人更能够利用“体制”来处于有利地位。

“一个虐待丈夫或男友的女人威胁说如果男人离开或报告虐待就再也见不到孩子” Philip Cook Stop Abuse for Everyone 的项目主任说，“陷入这种局面的男人相信无论妻子或女友做了什么，法庭会把孩子抚养权判给她们。这限制了男性受害者离开暴力。当一个女人被虐待，这会发生；当一个女人施虐，这也会发生。”

《 Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence 》的作者 Cook 解释：女人也能够利用体制来占优势 — 如果报警后对家庭暴力有争议时，她们不太会被逮捕。

“没有关于妇女因家庭暴力有争议而被逮捕的平均比率的国家数据” Cook 说。“我的最好估计是 20% 。但是我们的确知道这样的事情：警察来了，男人清晰地有最严重的伤，分别谈话明确表明是女方发起的，然而，男人被逮捕了。这确有发生。”

那么，男人被虐待了能在哪里得到支持；采取哪些步骤可以使他们他们离开危险境地？

第一步是伸手求助

“ The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men 是美国唯一专门为男性寻求支持帮助的资源，”从这个非盈利热线来的 Brown 说。“我们会提供选择并且支持帮助男人懂得：虐待不是他的错；虐待是不能接受的。 . 从全国可以拨打 (877) 643-1120 ，然后输入密码 0757 来接通 The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men ，一天 24 小时，一周 7 天。

其他热线， 如 National Domestic Violence Hotline ，也能为男性提供支持，但是不像 Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men 这样为男性特制。

“人们应当知道虐待是操控，无论受害者是男还是女，虐待永远是不可以的。” the National Domestic Violence Hotline 媒体关系协调人 Havilah Tower-Perkins 说，“我们敦促任何处在恐怖关系中的人拨打 (800) 799-SAFE (7233) 接通 National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) ，或者耳障 TTY 专线 (800) 787-3224 。 热线每天 24 小时值班，支持人员常年会回答问题、讨论安全选项并且为呼叫人联系当地资源。与 NDVH 通话是匿名的。”

停止虐待

被虐待的男性可以采取的其他步骤包括：

“不要让自己被激怒而进行任何形式的报复。” Brown 说。“我们告诉男人如果他们不得不争吵，要在一个有两个门的房间进行以便脱身；女人经常会堵住门，男人试图把她挪开，这将足以让他被逮捕。”

“记录所有的事情，” Cook 说。“去看医生告诉医生所发生的，即使医生不问你是怎么受的伤。给你的伤处照相，并且确定叫来的警察写报告，自己要得到一份拷贝。”

“和一个来自家庭暴力项目的专业支持者合作来得到一个限制令，” Brown 说。“限制令不仅可以保护你不受暴力伴侣的伤害，而且限制令可以允许你申请临时抚养权来保护孩子不受家庭暴力的伤害。”

得到咨询服务，这样你可以开始恢复，并且得到法律上的建议， Cook 说。

同能支持你的家人和朋友谈。“他们会理解，” Brown 说。

“施虐者善于使你感觉被隔离和孤独，但是你不是，” Brown 说。“各种各样的人给我们打电话 —-- 医生、律师、劳工和军队里的人员。他们面临最大的难题是找到相信他们的人。如果他们被信任，他们就能得到帮助，这就是我们在这里的原因。”

Help for Battered Men

Domestic violence befalls mostly women, but men are victims, too.

WebMD Feature

Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario

More than 830,000 men fall victim to domestic violence every year, which means every 37.8 seconds, somewhere in America a man is battered, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey. While more than 1.5 million women are also victims, everyone -- no matter their sex --deserves help.

"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength," says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It's about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man."

There are more than 4,000 domestic violence programs in the U.S., but Brown says very few actually offer the same services to men as they do women. So where can a man turn for support when he is being abused? Domestic violence experts offer advice for men who may be falling through the cracks.

Abuse Against Men

"Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women," says Brown. "It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial."

As with abuse against women, Brown explains that abuse against men can mean a partner or spouse will:

Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment

Criticize, name call, or shout

Take away your car keys or money

Regularly threaten to leave or to make you leave

Threaten to hurt you or a family member

Punish or deprive your children when angry at you

Threaten to kidnap the children if you leave

Abuse or hurt your pets

Harass you about affairs your spouse imagines you are having

Manipulate you with lies and contradictions

Destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances

Wield a gun/knife in a threatening way

Hit, kick, shove, punch, bite, spit, or throw things when upset

In one instance, Brown received a letter from a woman who said her brother was being abused by his wife, who would scratch him, throw things at him, point a gun at him, break his eyeglasses, and flush his medications down the toilet -- among other things.

"The sister said in her letter that her brother stitched a cut on his arm himself, with a thread and needle, because his wife had cut him and he didn't want to go to the hospital," says Brown. "Can you imagine being so embarrassed that your wife hits you that you do that?"

Distinguishing Factors

That is a distinguishing factor between battered women and battered men, explains Brown: Men -- like this one -- are more likely to be embarrassed by their abuse, making them less likely to report it, according to the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men web site, which states men often worry, "What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?" and "I don't want to be laughed at; no one would believe me."

Another distinguishing factor is that while women who are abused are more likely to be pushed or shoved, beat up, or threatened with a gun, the women who do the abusing are more likely to throw something, kick or bite, hit with an object, threaten with a knife, or actually use a knife, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey.

And perhaps the most important difference is that women who batter may have a greater ability to use the "system" to their advantage.

"Systemic abuse can occur when a woman who is abusing her husband or boyfriend threatens that he will never see his children again if he leaves or reports the abuse," says Philip Cook, program director of Stop Abuse for Everyone. "A man caught in this situation believes that no matter what his wife or girlfriend does, the court is going to give her custody, and this greatly limits his ability to leave. While this can occur when a woman is being abused, it is more likely to happen when a woman is abusing."

Women, explains Cook, who is author of Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, may also be able to use the system to their advantage in that they are less likely to be arrested if police are called as a result of a domestic dispute.

"There is no national data on average arrest rates for women in domestic disputes," says Cook. "My best guess is that it's about 20%. But we do know anecdotally that there are many men who, when the police arrive, clearly have the most serious injury, clearly when interviewed separately indicate the female started it, and nonetheless, the man gets arrested. This does indeed happen."

So where can men who are being abused turn for support, and what steps should they take to get out of dangerous situations?

Getting Help

The first step in getting help is reaching out.

"The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men is the only one in the nation that offers support and help in finding resources specifically for men," says Brown, of the not-for-profit helpline. "We'll provide options and support and help a man understand that the abuse is not his fault and it is not acceptable. The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men can be reached from anywhere in the nation, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by calling (877) 643-1120       and entering PIN number 0757."

Other helplines, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, can also offer support to men but aren't as tailored to do so as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men.

"What people should know is that abuse is about power and control, and regardless of whether the victim is a man or a woman, it is never OK," says Havilah Tower-Perkins, media relations coordinator for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. "We urge anyone whose relationship scares them to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at (800) 799-SAFE       (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224      . The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Every call to NDVH is anonymous."

Stopping the Abuse

Other steps for men who are being abused to take include:

"Never allow yourself to be provoked into any kind of retaliation," says Brown. "We tell men if they have to be in an argument, do it in a room with two doors so they can leave; a lot of times a woman will block the door, the man will try to move her, and that will be enough for him to get arrested."

"Document everything," says Cook. "Go to your doctor and tell him what happened, even if he doesn't ask how you were injured. Take photographs of your injuries, and make sure if the police are called that they take a report, and get a copy of the report for yourself."

"Work with an advocate from a domestic violence program to get a restraining order," says Brown. "Not only will this help protect you from an abusive partner, but it will also allow you to ask for temporary custody of your children in order to protect them from the domestic violence."

Get counseling so you can start healing, and get legal advice, says Cook.

Talk with your family and friends who can help support you. "They will understand," says Brown.

"Abusers are good at making you feel isolated and alone, but you're not," says Brown. "We get calls from all types of people -- doctors, lawyers, laborers, people in the military. The biggest hurdle they face is finding someone who believes them. If they are believed, they can get help, and that's why we're here."

"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength," says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It's about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man."

There are more than 4,000 domestic violence programs in the U.S., but Brown says very few actually offer the same services to men as they do women. So where can a man turn for support when he is being abused? Domestic violence experts offer advice for men who may be falling through the cracks.

Abuse Against Men

"Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women," says Brown. "It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial."

As with abuse against women, Brown explains that abuse against men can mean a partner or spouse will:

Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment

Criticize, name call, or shout

Take away your car keys or money

Regularly threaten to leave or to make you leave

Threaten to hurt you or a family member

Punish or deprive your children when angry at you

Threaten to kidnap the children if you leave

Abuse or hurt your pets

Harass you about affairs your spouse imagines you are having

Manipulate you with lies and contradictions

Destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances

Wield a gun/knife in a threatening way

Hit, kick, shove, punch, bite, spit, or throw things when upset

Distinguishing Factors

That is a distinguishing factor between battered women and battered men, explains Brown: Men -- like this one -- are more likely to be embarrassed by their abuse, making them less likely to report it, according to the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men web site, which states men often worry, "What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?" and "I don't want to be laughed at; no one would believe me."

Another distinguishing factor is that while women who are abused are more likely to be pushed or shoved, beat up, or threatened with a gun, the women who do the abusing are more likely to throw something, kick or bite, hit with an object, threaten with a knife, or actually use a knife, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey.

And perhaps the most important difference is that women who batter may have a greater ability to use the "system" to their advantage.

"Systemic abuse can occur when a woman who is abusing her husband or boyfriend threatens that he will never see his children again if he leaves or reports the abuse," says Philip Cook, program director of Stop Abuse for Everyone. "A man caught in this situation believes that no matter what his wife or girlfriend does, the court is going to give her custody, and this greatly limits his ability to leave. While this can occur when a woman is being abused, it is more likely to happen when a woman is abusing."

Women, explains Cook, who is author of Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, may also be able to use the system to their advantage in that they are less likely to be arrested if police are called as a result of a domestic dispute.

"There is no national data on average arrest rates for women in domestic disputes," says Cook. "My best guess is that it's about 20%. But we do know anecdotally that there are many men who, when the police arrive, clearly have the most serious injury, clearly when interviewed separately indicate the female started it, and nonetheless, the man gets arrested. This does indeed happen."

So where can men who are being abused turn for support, and what steps should they take to get out of dangerous situations?

Getting Help

The first step in getting help is reaching out.

"The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men is the only one in the nation that offers support and help in finding resources specifically for men," says Brown, of the not-for-profit helpline. "We'll provide options and support and help a man understand that the abuse is not his fault and it is not acceptable. The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men can be reached from anywhere in the nation, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by calling (877) 643-1120 and entering PIN number 0757."

Other helplines, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, can also offer support to men but aren't as tailored to do so as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men.

"What people should know is that abuse is about power and control, and regardless of whether the victim is a man or a woman, it is never OK," says Havilah Tower-Perkins, media relations coordinator for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. "We urge anyone whose relationship scares them to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224. The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Every call to NDVH is anonymous."

Stopping the Abuse

Other steps for men who are being abused to take include:

"Never allow yourself to be provoked into any kind of retaliation," says Brown. "We tell men if they have to be in an argument, do it in a room with two doors so they can leave; a lot of times a woman will block the door, the man will try to move her, and that will be enough for him to get arrested."

"Document everything," says Cook. "Go to your doctor and tell him what happened, even if he doesn't ask how you were injured. Take photographs of your injuries, and make sure if the police are called that they take a report, and get a copy of the report for yourself."

"Work with an advocate from a domestic violence program to get a restraining order," says Brown. "Not only will this help protect you from an abusive partner, but it will also allow you to ask for temporary custody of your children in order to protect them from the domestic violence."

Get counseling so you can start healing, and get legal advice, says Cook.

Talk with your family and friends who can help support you. "They will understand," says Brown.

"Abusers are good at making you feel isolated and alone, but you're not," says Brown. "We get calls from all types of people -- doctors, lawyers, laborers, people in the military. The biggest hurdle they face is finding someone who believes them. If they are believed, they can get help, and that's why we're here."

SOURCES: Jan Brown, executive director and founder, Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. Philip Cook, program director, Stop Abuse For Everyone; author, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence. Havilah Tower-Perkins, media relations coordinator, National Domestic Violence Hotline. National Violence Against Women survey, sponsored by the National Institute of Justice and the CDC.

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=52347



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