College Essay系列（四十六）：2024 哈佛成功文书（1）

最早从2017-18申请季，在每季结束的7-8月份，哈佛校报Crimson都会PO出十篇当年的成功文书，这个网页的URL，https://www.thecrimson.com/topic/sponsored-successful-harvard-essays-20xx/。把年号换上，即可访问到这些网址。

四月写完《2023》的十篇，看出2023年8约月哈佛招生心态，即公平价值观。那一年选出的文书，文字质量比2022以前明显偏弱。但是每篇文书故事中可以清晰地看到，equality和social justice。哈佛的这个追求在文书中更加不做遮掩。那十篇文书中，有八篇故事都是直接体现此价值的。

Harvard Essays 2023 on Crimson Georgina| Lemonade with no Lemon (Lebanese 1G Girl) Abby    | Family at Barnes & Noble (Ethiopian 1G Girl) Marina  | Backyard Four Corners (Cuban 1G Girl)     Una     | Seeing Without Looking (Latino 1G Girl)    Simar   | First Haircut At Age 17 (Sikh 1G Boy) Samantha| I Am A Storyteller (Poem ECs non-hook) Amy     | The Color of Everything (diversity non-hook) Tony    | Study Wilderness Art (CA URM Boy) Sean    | Butterfly Identity (MA Queerness Boy) Connor  | Working Dad & Me (NH 1G Boy)

 

品过2023，大家都在等看《2024成功哈佛文书十篇》。这不，2024新文书来了。Crimson这次还是偷工减料，只有九篇，仍然冠以十篇的名环。缺就缺吧，不影响我们品评它的主题和质量。

整体的故事背景统计，2篇Queerness，2篇亚裔新移民，1篇残障，1篇URM，1篇中城去暴，只剩下两篇是没有Hook的主题故事。Equality和Social Justice比例，趋同了2023的是10篇。不过，这既可能表示哈佛招生价值，也可能表明哈佛申请人整体的主诉价值。如果大量申请都主诉着申请者的Equality和Social Justice价值观，那么被录取的比例也就自然偏高Equality和Social Justice。我见过的申请中，普遍都带有这一价值观。从客观上看，申请中含有这一价值主文书（无论是否主诉该价值）的比例可能高于80%了。

所以，即使有这样故事申请，主文书也不一定写得好到令人感动的程度。所以，品评2024的这一篇，我觉得要换个心情。不再以哈佛的旧主题价值的文书作为参照，而是对比同样Equality和Social Justice为主的2023年的十篇。这样的品评，对今年的申请人更加有用。

Harvard Essays 2024 on Crimson Orlee    | Family of Two Moms (Lesbian 1G Girl) Marcus   | The Zoo (Trans Boy)   Michelle | Fish Out of Water (Korean Immi 1G Girl) Clara    | Crochet into America (Vietnam Immi Girl) Sarika   | I, Too, Can Dance (Wheelchair Girl) Francisco| Family Meeting at MITES (URM Boy) Lauren   | Sondheim’s Musicals (inner-city intervention Girl) Daniella | Perfecting Cookies (non-hook Girl)      Billy    | Planned Uncertainty (non-hook Boy)

 

 

第一篇，Orlee 的《Family of Two Moms》

I’m hiding behind the swing door of the dressing room when I text my mom just one word: “Traumatizing!” I’m on a bra-shopping expedition with my grandmother, and just in case it’s not abundantly clear, this trip was Not. My. Idea. Bra shopping has always been shrouded in mystery for me, and growing up in a household with two moms and two younger sisters hasn’t helped one bit: One of my moms doesn’t wear bras; the other proudly proclaims that her bras are older than me. A two-mom family without the faintest idea what a teenage girl needs—par for the course around here.

So when my 78-year-old grandmother volunteered to take me bra shopping, my moms jumped at the chance. Here I was with my frugal grandmother, outlet-shopping among the racks of intimates that aren’t sized quite right, that have too much padding or too little…You can see my predicament, and it’s no surprise that my younger self was confused by the words “wire-free,” “concealing petals,” “balconette.”

The saleswoman called to my grandmother from across the store, “What cup size is she?”

“I don’t know,” my grandmother screamed back. “Can you measure her?”

Measure me? They have got to be kidding.

***

“I just don’t want her to feel different,” I heard my grandmother say later that day. “Kids this age can be so mean.”

I love my grandmother, but she believes the world is harsh and unforgiving, and she thinks that the only path to happiness is fitting in. My grandmother had taken me bra shopping in a last-ditch attempt to make me “normal” because I was entering 9th grade at Deerfield in a few weeks, and she worried that I would stick out worse than the underwire of a bargain basement bra.

It’s true—I’m not your typical Deerfield student. I’m a day student with lesbian moms who have several fewer zeros on their bank account balance than typical Deerfield parents. I’m the kid with a congenital foot deformity, which means I literally can’t run, who will never be able to sprint across campus from classroom to classroom. I’m the kid with life-threatening food allergies to milk and tree nuts who can’t indulge in the pizza at swim team celebrations or the festive cake and ice cream during advisory meetings.

But fitting in was my grandmother’s worry, not mine. What my grandmother didn’t consider is that there’s no single way to fit in. I might be two minutes later to class than the sprinters, but I always arrive. I might have to explain to my friends what “having two moms” means, but I’ll never stop being thankful that Deerfield students are eager to lean in and understand. I may not be able to eat the food, but you can count on me to show up and celebrate.

While I can’t run, I can swim and play water polo, and I can walk the campus giving Admissions tours. My family might not look like everyone else’s, but I can embrace those differences and write articles for the school newspaper or give a talk at “School Meeting,” sharing my family and my journey. Some of my closest friendships at Deerfield have grown from a willingness on both sides to embrace difference.

On one of the first days of 9th grade, I sat down to write a “Deerfield Bucket List”—a list of experiences that I wanted to have during my four years in high school, including taking a Deerfield international trip and making the Varsity swim team. That list included thirteen items, and I’m eleven-thirteenths of the way there, not because I have the right bra, but because I’ve embraced the very thing that my grandmother was afraid of. Bra shopping is still shrouded in mystery for me, but I know that I am where I should be, I’m doing work that matters to me, and fitting in rarely crosses my mind.

打开这篇，让我不由分说地想到去年那篇《Butterfly Identity》。同样的Queer主题，记忆尚新，必然产生这样的阅读背景情绪。这对于这篇的AO来说也是再合理不过的了。经过2023的价值引导，这一年哈佛的Queer主题文书也有明显增长的势头吧。

与《Butterfly Identity》不同之处，这一篇开篇，是一个普通的青春期场景，同时也是一个surprise的文书场景。我收集这么多年的文书里，只有2009年的一篇《My Bra》是以Bra这么私密的女生话题为素材的。所以它放在文书里，具有熟悉和陌生两个特性。这是一个很好的文书“hook”。注意这个hook不是我们所说的招生价值观里的Hook，它只是故事容易吸引读者的因素而已。

接着，两个mom的出场，就是故事的“anchor”了。这个场景在文书中的稀有性很显然。大部分的Queer主题文书，都是把这个性别的关键放在作者自己身上的。而这一篇则是把它体现在家长、作者的Lesbian母亲身上。要知道，从第一例合法同性恋婚姻开始，同性恋婚姻还是一个20年新的社会现象。20年后，生于这样家庭的子女刚刚长大到申请年龄。你可以说，Queer主题文书可以开始 “拼爹”了。

故事接下来，用Grandmother来代表传统，也是一个很轻巧的结构设计。对于LGBT的偏见，首要地产生在家庭成员之间，父母是这个偏见的主要施与者，这是过去所有此类主题故事的特点。本篇作者没有偏见的父母，但可以有这样的祖父母啊。选择祖母在这里出场，恰当又合理。

接下来的内容就是一篇文书故事的流行发展了。从祖母的世界观到我的世界观，从我的价值观到Dearfield的包容性，故事的发展体现了作者独特的成长和给所在群体带来的改变。“Some of my closest friendships at Deerfield have grown from a willingness on both sides to embrace difference”，这种改变其实并非质和量的跃迁，它甚至都不是改变（willingness on both = embrace difference），但作者的表述语言却让它显得像是一种变化。这是文字上的功力。

我最喜欢教给学生的一点是: You may have not acted a significance, but you can expect one and effect one as you grow. So， be confident and express it creatively。

最后在结尾段再写回Bra，并把grandmother请回叙述中来，既呼应了篇首的情节，又刷新了时间的进化，算是一种立体感的时间表达。这篇还可以再修改的更significant，就是祖母这个形象，她完全可以也再被作者改变之列。想想是不是这样？

看得出申请哈佛文书是有质量的。相对于2023的《Butterfly Identity》的B评分，这篇我给的是A。这样一来，我上面的修改意见，变得也许不那么必要了。