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College Essay系列（四十四）：2023 达茅成功文书（3）

(2024-06-04 07:43:48) 下一个

前两篇达茅文书链接：

2023达茅成功文书（1）

2023达茅成功文书（2）

今天接着谈第三篇，《Red Cabin Taught Me》

They say home is where the heart is, and while my body is in Abington, Pennsylvania, my heart is always 350 miles north, tucked away in a rustic, red cabin along the shore of Messer Pond. As I memorize endless lists of Spanish verbs, revise dozens of rhetorical analysis essays, and calculate countless derivatives, my personal Walden is never far from my mind.

While I feel an emotional attachment to this cabin, its presence has also catalyzed an awakening within me. My daily life feels like a sprint with a finish line constantly moving farther away. An initial 100-yard dash lengthens into a 3-mile jog, which extends into a marathon. I ace a calculus test; I lose a field hockey game. I pass my driving test; I don't make varsity. Each success comes with its respective failure, yet I run faster. This cycle continues, and I increase my relentless, exhausting pace, only pausing when I recall my experiences at Messer Pond.

However hectic my schedule is, I always feel a sense of peace and fulfillment at the cabin. Whether I am kayaking, hiking, or swimming, I focus on the journey, not the finish line. Motivated by the cadence of the earth, I reach my destination: the neighbor's dock; the mountain's summit; the pond's island. In contrast to the cacophony of deadlines, commitments, and schedules, nature's rhythms are steady, calculated. Each beat complements another, creating a symphony of wind gusts, pond ripples, and dragonfly wings. The tempo shifts from easygoing to explorative to enigmatic, and I enjoy every verse.

The melody becomes more contemplative at night as I stare at the constellations and infinite galaxy above me. These stars, light years away, form animals, heroes, utensils. It is not my infinitesimal existence that occupies my mind as I gaze at this integral of the universe. Rather, in these moments, my perspective broadens. As I take in this tapestry, its all-encompassing nature amazes me. It contains every disagreement, from an argument between siblings to a battle between world powers; every birth, from a screaming baby to a newly independent nation; every brilliant mind, from Tolstoy to Newton. When a vast world offers so much to learn and experience, why should my inconsequential marathon occupy my mind?

Although I realize how minimal my existence is in this tapestry of the universe, I still want my thread to stand out. I must transform my beige strand into a golden fiber that illuminates and strengthens the fabric. I must continue my marathon. I must sprint every mile. I must persevere, not to achieve glorious recognition, but to create consequential change.

However, the cabin has taught me to focus beyond the finish line-I'm not sure if the finish line even exists. I now run to nature's pace, driven by the wind shaking the tree branches and the determined buzzing of worker bees. After adopting this new perspective, I am finally able to appreciate each moment. While this change did not happen all at once, I gradually found myself enjoying classes instead of feeling held captive by school bells and deadlines. An English assignment is a chance to explore interpretations of dystopia, not an item on my to-do list. Physics class is a time to enjoy problem-solving, not to focus on memorizing formulas. Each day brings a new viewpoint; an additional thread comes into focus as I appreciate more and more of the mysterious tapestry.

I hope to one day admire this work in all its glory, but I realize that thought is naive- the tapestry will never fully emerge from the shadows. Just as I will continue to learn and grow, the universe will evolve. I cannot learn everything or understand every perspective; I'll never finish this race. Yet, the journey is so enjoyable that I appreciate its endless essence.

Mile after mile, the marathon persists, and I'm finally glad to be running.

【凸某评三】

打开这篇首段，读到Spanish verbs，rhetorical analysis, derivatives，你肯定想到了那两篇同样捆绑着classroom subjects的哈佛文《Backyard four corners》和《Colors of everything》，都是带着系列的比喻捆绑。但这篇《Cabin》的classroom subjects不用喻，而是硬绑。这种感觉，初来是突兀，渐渐读下去却又感觉真实。无论谁，在木屋里学习的时候，脑子里都不会想到什么成系列的比喻的。

第二段，读到success and failure交互的时候，这篇Cabin文的最突出的优点，就开始显现了，a sprint with a moving finish line。如今的每个高中生，还有正在读着这篇的AO，谁都能感受到这里的真实情绪。在名校长的research paper和名校生的business plan都充满造假的年代，真实算不算个赤裸裸的优点？你说吧！

第三段，主题“beyond the finish line”出现。Beyond Finish Line，这就是成长，每个人都有的成长。但T10里，如果没有几块medal几个x-th place，已经很少有人敢于直接拿它来表达自己。在一个到处是别人琳琅满目的finish line的环境里，能有这份beyond自信的不多吧？听熟了的“友谊第一、比赛第二”逻辑你，这里读不出耳中起茧的虚伪，倒是似曾相识的熟悉感。

后面的段落，请您各自读吧。这篇里，figurative language有，但不必多说了。我想说的，是最后这个结尾句,"I am glad to be running"挺干脆利落地再次点题。给你一个新时代的文书技巧：要么在起首，要么在结尾，给一句话的入题或者点题，这样让头大了的AO能有心情欣赏你的文书故事。

如果要改，开篇“They say home is where the heart is, and while my body is in Abington, Pennsylvania, my heart is always 350 miles north, tucked away in a rustic, red cabin along the shore of Messer Pond”太长了，改成“My body is in Abington, Pennsylvania, but my heart is always in a rustic, red cabin, tucked 350 miles north ashore Messer Pond”。

• 这篇有点太虚化了，不适合用来介绍自己。就主题来说，有些太空洞。B+ -avw- ♀ (0 bytes) (8 reads) 06/04/2024 postreply 07:49:13