College Essay 系列 (二十五)：Hardly Essay (1) 普林斯顿WL文书

韩裔女生的《Art, My Identity》普林斯顿WL文书

(1)

Hiss! Beep! Honk!

The enormous moving truck noisily backed out of our narrow street in Seoul, holding what seemed like my entire life. I was 5, clutching my parents' hands so tightly that they were practically turning purple, anticipating my family's new start in New Zealand. I said my goodbyes to the tall urban landscapes of Korea and welcomed the rural bat breeze.

In New Zealand, while other kids were learning sentences, I was struggling with ABCs. It's like being a newborn, the wisdom nurtured over 5 years reduced to zero. The language barrier loomed over me like colossal alphabet blocks.

(2)

While English initially posed as a burden, the language of art always came naturally. Art was more like Korean to me: rooted deep in my identity; constant in my life despite the many changes. The boxes of sketchbooks were taken with us every time we loaded the moving trucks.

My creation reflected the ever changing diversity of people and thoughts I was exposed to: “art imitates life.”

(3)

From New Zealand, we relocated to The States, from Georgia to North Carolina, to Maryland. In Maryland where I spent the last several years, I recognize the benefits and necessity of a multicultural community.

The 5 on my jersey tags me on the lacrosse field. And despite the sports white and elitists' stereotypes, out team embodies many different ethnicities, identities, and personalities, an orchestra composed of different instruments to create a harmonious sound—the ball hist the net with a satisfying “WAP!”

Of course, it's crucial in the classrooms too; Socratic seminars foster discussions (and debates) – and while we strive to find common ground, unique perspectives are valued and celebrated. There is space for salad bowls and melting pots on the table.

(4)

Over the years, my breath of art expanded and so did the subjects of my work. My limited reference pictures, solely featuring Eurocentric models transitioned into a wider variety of women. Intensely crafting figures who looked like me, and people I knew, deepened my sense of self awareness, allowing me to embrace my individuality.

My art and I, we have a form of mutualism, but it has taught me more than I have given. “Life imitates art far more than art imitates life.”

(5)

Ironically, my challenges became my greatest sources of strengths. I am motivated by my parents' sacrifices which grant me opportunities and life in America. Although it was a source of pressure at times, it allowed mt to persevere and grow through hardships because I knew any of my successes would not be mien alone, but my family's.

Moving had its up and downs, but my parents held my hand through every accomplishment and disappointment. Looking back, moving was truly a blessing in disguise. Despite my brief stays, I quickly developed a knack for making friends, and grew stronger appreciation for companionship.

Through long hours in planes and car sickness, I discovered completely different worlds, separated by a mile or thousands. I learnt to cherish the ride, which makes me exuberant for my next move- to college, which will be my 5th, and definitely not the last, move.

 

先说好听的。

这篇文书文字上乘。从欣赏的角度去读，我很喜欢读这篇文章。在为数不多的hardly essay中，这篇是个非常好的样本。

任何读了这篇的人，都会感觉到作者流畅语言驾驭能力。小时候的搬迁和移民经历，这在大多数的AO们身上都会发生共鸣。作者借landscape、breeze来比喻自己身处的环境，以clutch、loom来象声性地形容经历的action。这显示出作者对幼时故事，不是有深切的感受，就一定是有过反复地推敲。

从（2）部分开始，故事的主题Art imitates life被呈现出来，并在（4）部分的结尾升华到Life imitates art。这一对sounds paradoxical 的 duo，使得文章增色。最后Life的成分重重地落在diversity 和 making friends上，并把这个价值投射到未来College时，AO读者会感到的就是作者对多元校园的憧憬了。

你们也感到这篇写的好了吧？但是，她只拿到普林的WL，你可能觉得她有其他原因的。但是我们仔细想想，一份申请就只包括硬指标（成绩、分数、奖项）和软指标（活动、文书、推荐）。一个申请被拒，只能是硬指标不达标。

被WL的人，一定是硬指标达标的人很多，你的软指标不够，AO还不够喜欢你。这个喜欢，就是文书。因为AO花在你这份申请上的时间里，有10%在硬指标+活动和推荐上，50-70%在文书这项软指标上，还有20-40% 在committee discussion上。喜不喜欢你是情感不是逻辑，影响它只能是软指标文书。

作为普林申请文书，这篇主要的失处，在于其故事主题的不突出性上。作者从小做的immigrant经历，不断搬迁中定位自身 identity的过程。这个主题，在美国的大学申请人中很普遍地被用到。从AO的角度看，你可能需要更进一步的经历去证明你身上具有的录取价值。

在大学招生的主诉价值中，作者完全可以寻找得到可以加入的元素。比如Creativity、Leadership、 Altruism，或者更潮一些的Social Justice和 Equality，这些都是那些Top Campus里现在最崇尚的价值观。你要想获得入门票，你就要突出自身已经具有的这些素质。

有人说没这篇里的Diversity，不就是很好的多元价值吗？可你想想，Diversity是价值，那是什么时候开始的事儿了呢。80-90年代我们从中国申请美国学校的时候，Diversity就被做成高尚的价值写在PS里了吧。Diversity之下，我们还一起追求过teamwork和compromise呢，记得吗？到了现在的2020s年代，Diversity已是公认的社会标准，甚至是政治正确了，还有谁拿它来代表优秀呢？

没有Creativity、Leadership、Altruism、Social Justice和 Equality这些合乎时宜的价值成分，这篇文书就不足以打动那位普林的AO。但本文申请者的经历中，当然有且富有这些价值元素。这就是本文作者被WL后又被录取的理由。

好吧，说完这些让人感觉到有点文书新八股意味的价值，我们再来回顾一下这篇的纯文字。一篇好的开头，并不保证全篇好的文字。这篇从（2）部分开始，遣词造句就开始出现了拙手。恰当的比喻和象声性词汇的密度，减少到（1）的1/3的程度。这说明除了开头部分，后面（2）-（5）的四部分越来越是不经推敲的文字。

谁的文书不是写过好几版的开头？大多数文书，都是在开头改了又改之后，故事才写得下去，最后写完的。如果谁的文书是一气呵成的，那他大概率是在凑合事儿。