College Essay 系列 (二十一) ：新主题文书赢史大2021

顶级文书の2021鲜题赢史大

今天来看一篇2021年的斯坦福+NYT获奖文书。这篇文书的特点是主题出彩。除了为作者拿下史大的录取外，这篇文书还一句能拿下2021年纽约时报的College Essays On Money征文大赛的头名大奖。这个大学申请征文比赛从2013年开始举办以来，每年公布五篇大奖。我给学生的20年文书集锦中，也收录不少此中的获奖文书。好，我们先来读一下这篇文书。

The Stand-up Mom

By Zoya Garg, Stanford'25, New York — Bronx High School of Science

My mom finds a baffling delight from drinking from glass, hotel-grade water dispensers. Even when three-day-old lemon rinds float in stale water, drinking from the dispenser remains luxurious. Last year for her birthday, I saved enough to buy a water dispenser for our kitchen counter. However, instead of water, I filled it with handwritten notes encouraging her to chase her dreams of a career.

As I grew older, I noticed that my mom yearned to pursue her passions and to make her own money. She spent years as a stay-at-home mom and limited our household chores as much as she could, taking the burden upon herself so that my brothers and I could focus on our education. However, I could tell from her curiosity of and attitudes toward working women that she envied their financial freedom and the self-esteem that must come with it. When I asked her about working again, she would tell me to focus on achieving the American dream that I knew she had once dreamed for herself.

For years, I watched her effortlessly light up conversations with both strangers and family. Her empathy and ability to understand the needs, wants and struggles of a diverse group of people empowered her to reach the hearts of every person at a dinner table, even when the story itself did not apply to them at all. She could make anyone laugh, and I wanted her to be paid for it. “Mom, have you ever thought about being a stand-up comedian?”

She laughed at the idea, but then she started wondering aloud about what she would joke about and how comedy shows were booked. As she began dreaming of a comedy career, the reality of her current life as a stay-at-home mom sank in. She began to cry and told me it was too late for her. I could not bear to watch her struggle between ambition and doubt.

Her birthday was coming up. Although I had already bought her a present, I realized what I actually wanted to give her was the strength to finally put herself first and to take a chance. I placed little notes of encouragement inside the water dispenser. I asked my family and her closest friends to do the same. These friends told her other friends, and eventually I had grown a network of supporters who emailed me their admiration for my mom. From these emails, I hand wrote 146 notes, crediting all of these supporters that also believed in my mom. Some provided me with sentences, others with five-paragraph-long essays. Yet, each note was an iteration of the same sentiment: “You are hilarious, full of life, and ready to take on the stage.”

On the day of her birthday, my mom unwrapped my oddly shaped present and saw the water dispenser I bought her. She was not surprised, as she had hinted at it for many years. But then as she kept unwrapping, she saw that inside the dispenser there were these little notes that filled the whole thing. As she kept picking out and reading the notes, I could tell she was starting to believe what they said. She started to weep with her hands full of notes. She could not believe the support was real, that everyone knew she had a special gift and believed in her.

Within two months, my mom performed her first set in a New York comedy club. Within a year, my mom booked a monthly headlining show at the nation's premier comedy club.

I am not sure what happened to the water dispenser. But I have read the notes with my mom countless times. They are framed and line the walls of her new office space that she rented with the profits she made from working as a professional comedian. For many parents, their children's careers are their greatest accomplishment, but for me my mom's is mine.

 

谁是Zoya?

Zoya来自一个印度裔一面家庭，住在纽约的Bronx区。她就读的Bronx High School of Science是需要考试进入纽约磁校，每年30000名学生考试，录取800人。在BHSS的四年，Zoya有过毕业班主席、校女足和女高队长、校拉丁语俱乐部主席等丰富校内的leadership经历，也有九年级时短暂的 Speech & Debate 的参与。把这姑娘放在爬藤人群里，她的一个不俗之处是全美中学生选美比赛Miss Teen USA的纽约州Finalists。业余时间，Zoya还喜欢用烘焙打发时间，这也是一个人见人爱的特长了。在Zoya毕业之际，BHSS学校用一整个版面描述她，高中四年的校内、外的成就可谓是的“罄竹难书”。

请允许我在这幽默一下用词，因为Zoya的家庭充满幽默感的。她妈妈Zarna是纽约脱口秀新秀和知名网红，上了百老汇和纽约主要脱口秀舞台。而这位印裔移民女性在中年下海的成就，除应了当前minority talkshow的兴起的大潮外，最主要竟是Zoya背后的“推手”作用。因为，Zoya是个给周边人传递力量的典型Leader。正是因为她的鼓励和努力，才让妈妈这个长年的家庭妇女，有了站上公众舞台表演幽默的信心。而这个鼓励妈妈故事，又成就了Zoya的这篇优秀文书。

Zoya的文书并未上传网络，所以没有机会成为网红的爆款文书。但她还是有机会把这篇文书发给了纽时的大学申请文书专栏。经得住专家的严格审慎，这篇文书才能从上千篇参选文书中脱颖而出，成为该专栏在2021年度的头条文书。

进入史大后的Zoya，影响力继续爆棚。作为一个大学一年级的新生，她已经成为SWIB的70多名成员之一。这个学生组织把在校的史大女生和众多知名公司联系起来，为她们带来职业技术培训和大量的实习机会。能成为这个组织的成员，代表着未来职业发展的高起点。来看看写在SWIB网站上的这些公司名录。是不是家家都是你我都想进的公司啊！

新主题文书的要素

Zoya这篇文书，既不是文字出彩，也并非情节诱人，而结构上更是单一得让人觉得普通。但它胜在主题的新。

什么是新主题？这不是要你写出天狼星人的奇幻经历。首先看看这篇文章的Main Character是谁。对，是妈妈，不是Zoya自己。全篇有10个"mom" 和20个“she”，如果你仔细统计，主述妈妈的内容不只这30处。而主述自己的呢？全篇19个“I”和4个“me”，最多24处，而且这些也多是同时与妈妈有关的。读到这篇文章的读者，主要被妈妈角色的内容吸引。而“我”仅仅是读者感知中的辅助角色。

其次，故事中所描述的Personal Growth过程，是妈妈从家庭主妇到脱口秀演员的变化，是妈妈的Growth。“我”在故事里，发现妈妈的幽默天赋，、产生妈妈的职业建议，和鼓励妈妈迈出舒适区。这些可以算作是 who I am，但不属于 my personal growth。因此我的这种特性从何而来，无从显示出来。如果按照传统的文书意见，这篇过多强调妈妈而不是表达自己的文书故事，应该被打回去重做。

但这是疫情改变的时代，是文书变革和求新的时代。这篇主要表现妈妈的文书，尽管整篇在纯文字角度上极其朴素无华，但却能凭最后一句十足的傲娇 ——“别家儿女的职业是父母的成就，而我家妈妈的职业是我的成就” —— 作为结语，让读者都无法忘怀。

为什么呢为什么？

一篇文书的主题，要达到求新的目的，并非要你去肠刮肚找到一个quirky内容题材，而是要你在以下的五个维度上做以下立场置换，就能达到意想不到的效果。这五个维度是下图所示，正负、主客、单复、同异、因果。每个维度上各有两个互为相反的取值。它们存在于人类的潜意识空间，是我们认识任何事物的版能逻辑维度。但由于我们常常受习惯所囿，对任何事物，都仅仅注意到每个维度的某个方向的取值，而忽略另一个。如果你能在某个维度上切换方向，往往会产生出令人耳目一新的效果。这就好像习惯了右手写字的人，突然看到有人左手写出好字时的那种惊奇。

Zoya这篇的mom's career，就是在主、客和因、果这个维度上的换向示例。一般的文书，主题都是自我的经历和成长，周围人和事是通过与 main character 的自我发生相关性而进入故事情节。这，带有典型“自我”主题的特性，属于主观，即“主”。而Zoya这一篇，以第三人称的妈妈为 main character，其间加入足量的“自我”内容作为辅助，这就是客观，即“客”。主客置换，角度的很立场的变化，这是第一层令人耳目新鲜的意义。刚才还提到了，一般的文书故事都是他人他事（客观）影响自我（主观）的成长变化，这相当于客观为因主观为果。而Zoya这篇，我是妈妈的职业之因，我（主观）为因，妈妈（客观）的成长是果。因果在主客观方向上的变化，给故事又添了一层新鲜的成分。

在我以前讲过的乐高文举例中，还谈到过正负转换的例子。搭乐高这个主题已经被人写过多年，立意之处，无外乎坚忍不拔不气垒、苦心坚持到完成，或者聪明伶俐会分析，完美计划快成功。这些都是正面的故事元素。而你从现实的角度看，每搭一个乐高都会有搭了拆、拆了搭的经过，才能最后完成。出现错误、拆了再搭，从这个负面的元素去看整个过程，认识到修正错误的速度才是决定前进速度主要因素的话，这样的正负转换，就具有令人耳目一新的特性了。

这样的例子还有很多。下面是美本文书常见的十大主题，以及我们可以怎样思考这些主题，找到以上五个维度上的某个转换，达到让主题新鲜亮活的目的。新的时代，人的意识需要新的刺激，AO们也是如此。我们写文书，也可以更多地考虑不按常规出牌。比如下面的第六条，别人激发我是常见主题，我激发别人就算是创新主题。这不，我2020年的话音刚落，Zoya这篇往常难登大藤的文书就上了头条了。

来吧，好好学习一下好文书的生产模式吧。

或者，你甘愿跟大前天WSJ头条姑娘 Kaitlyn Younger 一样去ASU。

上头条还是上Top-5，你们自己选吧。

 

Kaitlyn Younger, a self-described perfectionist, plans to attend Arizona State.

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