有多爱，你不懂

"Not charged, only 17!" my daughter shouted quickly when she was running down stairs one morning.

"What do you mean?" What!" I totally did not get her.

"My phone was not charged, only 17% battery life...I still need to call dad later to confirm the pick up time at school today..."

"Then tell you dad about it, ok?"

This is not the first time, I had to require clarification to understand my daughter's message.

Clearly, my daughter and I started having communication issues, which could be rooted in the language barriers, as she suggested. Our first languages are different, so it could be the major factor, especially when we mix two languages in our conversations.

There are also many other players, for example, cultures and experiences. When she shares her favorite K-pop bands with me, I try to appear very interested and excited. She can close her eyes and identify each band member's voice, while I keep forgetting their names after so many times of review. Growing up in different cultures leads to not only our different interests and experience, but also our values and beliefs (which will bring more and sever conflicts later). In addition, generation gap, like experience, will not make our communication better. As a parent, I ineluctably share my point of views of a middle aged women with an innocent teenager girl. This is wrong.

Communication is the pathway to understanding; while understanding is the key to good communication. Communication is not just talking and listening. It is actually very complex. For example, a one-on-one conversation actually invloves at least six persons. When A and B are having a concersation, other than the actual A and the actual B, there are the following persons getting into the picture:  the A who A thinks he/she is, the A who B thinks he/she is, the B who B thinks he/she is, and the B who A thinks he/she is. To make it further complicated, there could be the A who A hopes to be and the B who B hopes to be. Therefore, a private one-on-one conversation is actually a six or even eight persons group meeting. The efficiency of  communication would not be as great as we thought. Therefore, aside from language barriers, differences in cultures, experiences, and ages, the complexity of communication itself makes effective communication almost impossible.  

The efficiency of a conversation is based on the purpose of it, the relationship and understanding between two parties.

Daily Communication

The communication with the purpose of daily activities or interests are essential but may also have some challenges.

One time, at a party, I overheard a conversation between my daughter and one colleauge of mine. They both are dog lovers. The conversation went like this.

"How many times do you walk your dogs every day?" my colleague asked my daughter.

"It really depends on the dog breed. Some dogs are very energetic and active, so they require more walks; while other dogs, like ..." my daughter talked excitedly till my colleague had to stop her.

"How many times do you walk your dogs?" my colleauge asked again.

"It also depends on the size of the dogs. Big dogs need bigger space to run around, and small dogs..."my colleague interrupted before my daughter finished her long speech.

"So how many times?" my colleague was getting frustrated.

"My dogs are small, one is active and the other is not. If it is cold outside, for example in winter time, I let them run in our house up and down the stairs and that should be good enough...".

In this conversation, information was shared finally. Is it an enjoyable conversation? It was quite interesting (and entertaining) for me but not for them. One is frustrated when not getting what she asked quickly, and  the other one is frustrated when the additional information she kindly offered was not appreciated. As per the personal true colors theory, my colleague is pure Red who requires information and actions quickly; while my daughter is very Blue who values details and needs to share every and each piece of information that she possesses. If two parties are both Red or Blue, or if they are aware each other's color, would this conversation had gone better? Would knowing each other well or loving each other makes daily conversations better? 

"Daughter, do you like to go to a movie with me?"

"Daughter, do you like to tidy up the room with me?"

"Daugher, do you like to go to a movie after we tidy up the room?"

The effectiviness of the above three approaches could be 100%, 0% and 0-50%. When responsibilities or benefits are invloved, a daily conversation could go either way. Would communication skills help? Like the 3rd approach, it may work or may not, because there are only so much skills can assist. Nowadays, classes of communication skills are offered every where and for every age group. Skills are just skills. They sure can be helpful, but without sincere care and minimum understanding, skills may not help us to  move our communication up a level.

Crucial Coversations

The conversations aiming for understanding, especially when intense emotions are engaged, would be  challenging.

This is true especially when the conversations are with our loved ones and whom we care. We hold high expectations, and we request complete understanding, unconditional love and acceptance. If not, we feel hurt. Little are we aware, or remember, there are actually six or eight persons involved in a one-on-one conversation. In communication with our loved ones, full acceptance may be achievable, but complete understanding remains just a dream. Sometimes, we can barely understand ourselves after all.

Love and care form the foundation of effective communication; however, a strong foundation may not necessarilly lead to an ideal outcome (no matter how good your intentions were). Without the required level of understanding, a crucial conversation may likely be ended with misinterpretation, disagreement and confusion.

One time, my daughter got a knee injury at school. She believed that her father did not love her because he criticized her not being careful. Her story reminded me my father yelling at me when I hurt myself "Why couldn't you be careful?!" 

"Daughter, we have one more thing in common now. We both have a dad who  is not good at expressing their care and love."

"He just doesn't love me, and he yelled at me when I was hurt..."

"So tell me what he did after?"

"He took me to the hospital, although my teacher said the injoury was minor. And the doctor checked my injury and said it is fine."

"So why do you think  your dad need to take you the emergency and wait there for hours?"

"Hm...he could be worried that my injury is serious."

"And your dad did not tell me about this earlier because he knew I would be very worried and stressed."

"So, dad does care about me. And he cares about you too!"

"Exactly! We can understand others from what they say and, more important, from what they do".

In order to understand someone, we need to listen, as well as, to watch and to feel. It is easier said than done. Sometimes, only actions will reveal the truth; actions speak louder than words.

Observation of both words and actions may enable us gain a better understanding of others. Would  a better understanding guarantee an effective and enjoyable concersation? What else can improve our communication? It is said communication consists of both verbal (20%) and body language (80%). And it is also true that the context gives the words the power of meaning. The way we say somthing is much more important than the somthing that we say. 

Therefore, I will pay close attention to my body language and my tone of voice. In addition, I switch my personal true color to match the other one's; I tune my channel and frequency to connect with the other one's; I try to understand the six or eight persons who participate in a private conversation.

Giving 100% efforts, can I expect a 100% communication? No, of course.

Not long ago, my daughter took the DELF french language test.

"How did you do?" I asked.

"I only got 93%" she announced.

"I understand you wish you could've reached a higher mark". I acknowledged her feeling and moved on. " 93% is excellent and you must've passed the test, right?"

"Of course! You only need 50% to pass it!"

If only 50% is required to past a language test, why would I expect more for daily communication?

100% is the effort required, but 50% is the mark to pass. Half is good enough! I will share with my family and friends - "Words and actions are not carrying all my love and care, probably not even half.  I love you, more than I can say and do; I love you, twice as much you hear and feel".