理解万岁与短命婚姻

A friend of my friend just got divorced. She commented that it took her ten years to understand her ex-husband.

It is surprising that “understanding” can terminate a ten-year marriage. Usually, we wish for understanding with the assumption that it makes our relationships stronger. It is agreed that with misunderstanding you can  holds your own against the other. Actually, understanding can also causes conflicts and these conflicts can be more severe and can cause more damage.

 

But how can you make sure your understanding is not misunderstanding?
 

In a one-on-one relationship, there are more than two individuals: the actual A, the A in A’s own understanding and the A in B’s understanding. Adding the dimension of time, there are also the A from yesterday, the A at present, and the A in the future. Vice versa. Therefore, a private conversation could be an eight-people group meeting. I couldn’t help wondering whether an accurate and complete understanding is even possible. How can one tell apart a understanding and a misunderstanding? Who can question or evaluate a understanding? Considering our emotions and feelings involved, how could you be sure of a fairly accurate understanding of the actual others?

 

In addition, as per explained by the Johari Window, each individual is consist of four areas/sections. There is an area we know and others also know (Open Self); an area we know but others don’t know (Hidden Self); an area others know but we don’t know (Blind Spot); and an area no one knows (Unknown Self). It seems the to understand ourselves is already a challenge. How could we expect a full understanding of ourselves from another individual?  

 

Is our desired understanding attainable? Even yes, I would question whether it can uphold a good communication or relationship? In most situations, would a understanding really serve better than a misunderstanding? If not, in order to maintain a relationship, can one attempt to ignore a more accurate understanding? In others words, can one hide from their own judgement, understanding and feelings? When you really know someone, is it possible to pretend not knowing for the purpose to maintain a good relationship?

 

In my friend’s case, could her understanding of her ex-husband be somewhat softened? Would her so-believed understanding be given the power of decision making? Alternatively, who can determine whether two individuals are compatible? If a relationship is meant to be unsuccessful, should it be completed earlier or not even be started at all?

 

In all cases, our understanding of the other half has great impact on our marriage. Our so-called understanding can bring strength or cause damage to our relationships. We believe our understanding will lead to acceptance. Actually, understanding is intellectual, acceptance is emotional. In certain situations, acceptance may have very little to do with understanding. For example, mother’s care and acceptance to children are unconditional and have no barriers. An ideal relationship needs both understanding and acceptance, but the later weights so much more that the former can become optional.