6) You feel a need to control everything

If you recognize these 10 signs, you probably had an unhappy childhood

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by  Tina Fey September 1, 2023, 2:00 pm

We all have a past, but sometimes that past is painted in shades darker than we’d like to admit. 

You might look back on your childhood and struggle to remember the warmth of happy memories or feel unsure if what you experienced was normal or not.

How do you know if what you had was truly an unhappy childhood, or just the typical ups and downs most kids go through? 

After talking to a friend who’s a psychologist, I put together a list of 10 signs that could help you uncover the emotional tapestry of your early years. If these resonate, it might be time to address some hidden scars.

1) You have trouble connecting with others emotionally

Remember those warm and fuzzy movie scenes where kids run into their parents’ arms, sharing their highs and lows? 

For some of us, that never really happened. Instead, there was an unspoken boundary, a sense of emotional distance that separated us from our parents or guardians. 

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In this case, parents only provide essentials like food and shelter, but not a lot of responsiveness. This can lead to children feeling isolated and developing an avoidant attachment style.

They end up disregarding their own struggles to keep peace, and they tend to grow into adults that believe they don’t need intimacy in their lives. 

As a result, you may find it difficult to connect emotionally with others or feel envy when you watch other families gather together and share affection.

But don’t worry, intimacy and even attachment styles is something we can decide to work on and change.

2) You have trust issues

Lots of people talk about having trust issues — and often this stems from early experiences where trust was broken.

Maybe people made promises they didn’t keep, like a father who always prioritized work over family. 

Or perhaps your privacy was not respected, with secrets told to others without your consent, or your physical space encroached upon.

When trust is eroded early in life, it becomes a shaky foundation for your future interactions. You might find yourself second-guessing people’s intentions, overanalyzing situations, or being overly cautious in friendships and relationships. 

If you recognize any of these thought patterns, it may be worth looking back into your childhood. Recognizing the root of trust issues is the first step in learning how to build a stable emotional structure in your adult life.

3) You interpret mundane things negatively

Ever heard of the Thematic Apperception Test? Basically, it’s a set of cards showing regular but ambiguous scenes, such as a boy looking at a broken violin. 

When people who experience trauma are asked to tell a story about the cards, they tend to think of very violent or extremely negative examples.

This offers a glimpse into how brains change as a result of trauma: they start seeing signs of threats everywhere in everyday life.

You don’t have to go through trauma with a capital T to see the same effects, even in smaller ways.

Maybe a friend doesn’t text back quickly, and your mind starts racing with thoughts that they’re angry with you, or worse, that they don’t value your friendship. 

This is not just you being dramatic — it’s a defense mechanism your mind learned to protect itself. 

4) You feel constant anxiety

My psychologist friend told me many of her clients complain about waking up with their mind racing, or feeling agitated even when they try to relax in a bubble bath.

Feeling this way is perfectly normal before a big meeting or an important test, but if you feel it all the time for no apparent reason, it could potentially stem from an unhappy childhood.

Growing up in an unstable or emotionally chaotic environment trains you to be perpetually on guard.

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You become an expert at spotting trouble, but the problem is, you see it even when it’s not there. And the excessive adrenaline leaves you drained and on edge.

It’s crucial to understand that this is not a personal failing or a character flaw — it’s a conditioned response. 

5) You have low self-confidence

Confidence is like a tree, rooted deeply in the soil of our past experiences.

Many of us who had a rough start in life find it challenging even much later to see ourselves as capable, worthy individuals. 

Low self-confidence isn’t just about feeling inadequate in new or challenging situations; it’s a pervasive sense that you’re not enough, period. 

You might have been constantly criticized as a child, or perhaps achievements were downplayed while mistakes were magnified. When this happens, you internalize the belief that you’re destined to fail or that you’re fundamentally flawed.

And this can have real-world implications. Maybe you settle for less in your career because you don’t think you deserve better. Or perhaps you cling to unhealthy relationships, believing it’s the best you can get. 

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Realizing that your low self-confidence is an echo from the past can be empowering. It means that it’s learned behavior — and anything learned can be unlearned. 

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6) You feel a need to control everything

Ah, control — the magical belief that if you micromanage every detail, nothing can go wrong. Does that sound like you? 

If you grew up in an unpredictable environment, the world can seem like a scary, chaotic place. And so, control becomes your safety blanket. 

From work projects to relationships, you obsess over every little detail, thinking that if you just try hard enough, you can stop anything bad from happening.

The downside is, life doesn’t work that way. And all that effort to control can leave you feeling exhausted, frustrated, and isolated from others who find your need for control stifling.

It can be tricky to find a balance between taking healthy precautions and going with the flow. As you process any pain from the past, you’ll be sure to find it much easier.

7) You have a fear of abandonment

You ever notice how some people get really clingy in relationships? Maybe that’s you. 

You get close to someone, and then this thought creeps in: “What if they leave me?” This can be a partner, a friend, or even a coworker.

So, you do whatever you can to make them stay—even if it means bending over backward, sacrificing your own needs, or even ending the relationship first so they can’t hurt you.

This fear often comes from feeling abandoned as a kid. Maybe one of your parents left or was emotionally unavailable. Maybe you moved around a lot, and you never had a chance to make lasting friendships.

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Whatever the cause, that fear doesn’t just go away when you become an adult. But you can make the decision to face it. 

8) You feel overly responsible for everything

We all have responsibilities in life — for ourselves, our families, and our commitments. But there are other things — such as other people’s mistakes or things totally out of your control — that you shouldn’t feel responsible for.

If you do, it’s another sign you may have had an unhappy childhood.

Maybe as a kid, you were blamed for stuff that went wrong in the family, or you felt you had to be the “adult” because the real adults weren’t stepping up.

You might feel like you’re being polite and “the bigger person”, but over time this can really wear you out.

It can make you feel guilty all the time and put pressure on you to fix things that aren’t even your problem. This isn’t just tiring — it’s unfair to you, and it’s time to give yourself a break. 

9) You’re hyper-vigilant all the time

Another sign you probably had an unhappy childhood is if you’re hyper-vigilant all the time. 

What does this look like? Basically, feeling like you’re always on high alert. You need to constantly scan the room, check people’s moods, or worry about what might go wrong.

There are obviously situations where this is very useful and even life-saving. Maybe as a kid, it was your way of ensuring you stayed out of trouble or avoided a dangerous situation.

But you might end up carrying it into adulthood even if you don’t need to be so alert all the time anymore. 

It wears you out and keeps you from enjoying the present moment. 

If you find yourself stuck in this mode, it might be time to ask why. What are you afraid of, and how likely is it that it will happen? You have more control than you think, and it’s okay to let your guard down sometimes.

10) You suppress your emotions

If showing emotion feels like a dangerous gamble, this might be a holdover from your childhood. 

Maybe you grew up in a place where displaying feelings led to ridicule, punishment, or being ignored. As a result, you learned to keep your emotions under lock and key, becoming a master at showing a composed face to the world.

However, keeping feelings bottled up isn’t a long-term strategy for emotional health. It’s like hoarding expired medicine — sooner or later, it’s going to spill over, and the consequences won’t be good. 

Acknowledging this emotional suppression as a survival tactic from your past can be empowering. 

Slowly, you can teach yourself to let those emotions out in healthy ways, even if it takes baby steps to get there. 

Moving forward from an unhappy childhood

If you’ve come to this article, there’s a good chance you already feel something might have been off in your childhood.

Hopefully, these 10 signs have shed some more light on your situation.

They’re not a guarantee that you had an unhappy childhood, and they also aren’t about placing blame or wallowing in a painful past. But they may help illuminate some of the challenges you face today. 

Your childhood might have been a rocky road, but remember that you’ve got the wheel now. You’re not that vulnerable kid anymore — you’re an adult with the power to change, to grow, and to build a happier, healthier future. 

So, start by giving yourself the love you might have missed out on, and watch how your world changes. You’re worth it, and it’s never too late.

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