Love? Or Being In Love?
The Experience Of Being In Love Is Not Love At All
By John R. Buri, Ph.D.
Created Feb 9 2010 - 11:38am
Lots of couples end up in the marriage therapist’s office every day. But hardly ever does someone end up there who actually understands what love is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it is rare for anyone to ever end up in any therapist’s office who actually understands what love is.
There is within each of us an inherent desire to love and to be loved. But if we are ignorant as to what actually constitutes love, then how will we ever hope to know whether what is happening between us and another person is actually love?
If the truth be known, what many (if not most) of us are looking for is not love, but rather, an in-love experience.
But an in-love experience is not love at all.
In-love experiences are almost always effortless --- that’s why we call it “falling in love” --- how much effort does it take to fall? But the suggestion that love is effortless is ridiculous. It ranks as one of the more stupid assertions ever made about love --- it ranks right up there with the line from the 1970s movie “Love Story”: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Furthermore, an in-love experience may serve to assuage the painfulness of life, but love does not. In fact, what many of us have discovered (by loving) is that when we truly love, sometimes the painfulness of life’s experiences increases rather than decreases --- after all, we are now concerned about someone else besides just ourselves.
As it turns out, way too many people are seeking to avoid life’s responsibilities through love, only to discover that what they were really seeking wasn’t love at all. Rather, it was an in-love experience. You see, love does not enable us to avoid responsibilities. On the contrary, love (by its very nature) carries with it more responsibilities.
If you are looking for something that is effortless, that will soften the painfulness of life’s experiences, that will reduce the load of responsibilities you are required to carry, then I would NOT recommend that you seek love.
In the past several Love Bytes blog posts, we have been discussing the nature of love.
Love consists of Passion AND Intimacy AND Commitment.
I am hard-pressed to understand how two MEs becoming a WE (the heart of Commitment) is effortless.
As for Intimacy --- maybe it’s just me --- but I don’t see how in-depth communication (the heart of Intimacy) is painless.
That leaves Passion. Admittedly, Passion is the easiest of these 3 to come by, oftentimes even effortless --- especially when the relationship is new. Furthermore, passion will often serve as an analgesic, alleviating the pain of life --- but only for a time - as with any drug, the effects dissipate until another fix can be found. And often Passion will have no strings attached.
Needless to say, Passion --- without Intimacy and Commitment --- is what many people today mistake for love. And it’s easy to see why --- it comes closest to mimicking the in-love experience.
But Passion without Intimacy and Commitment is not love.
Have you ever felt as though you’ve been duped --- you know --- by love? It seems so easy, so painless, so carefree. But then we come face to face with the challenge that is inherent in love. Do we decide to move on --- to a place of actually loving and being loved? Or do we stall the process, attempting to stay with an in-love experience, only to feel the inevitable frustration of trying to remain in a place that by its very nature is transient?
We have been duped, but not by love. Rather, we have been duped by the misguided notions of love so often promoted in our culture.
