我为什么相信耶稣

    我相信耶稣，不是出于理性，也不是基于知识，而是一种感情，就像一个几乎溺死的人抓住了救生圈。

    我出生在1948年。我的父亲当时是国民党兵，战败后流落到香港。1950年，我的母亲和舅舅被关进监狱，我和祖母生活在乡下。祖母经受过很多的磨难，最痛心的一次是她曾经迫不得已在枪口下屈膝，她没有被射死，但她却在那次事件后选择了自杀。

    当射击的枪声响起时，祖母的心死了，这个世界也死了。除了那些难以承受的痛苦以外，一切都不存在了。我的父亲毅然退学并加入了抗日的队伍。当时我的祖母甚至不知道他参军的事，因为我父亲没有告诉她，她也不会读书和写字。

    后来，我也未能幸免于难，子弹也几乎要过我的命。在一个漫长的黑夜里，祖母凝视着我，抚摸着我，一个四岁的孩子，睡得是那么深沉，祖母是多么不愿意把我一个人留在这个世界上啊！凌晨四点，她轻轻地走出家门，纵身跳进了池塘。。。。。。尽管我现在已经是一位61岁的老人，可每当想起那一晚的情景，我仍是难以抑制自己的眼泪。感谢上帝！当祖母出门时有人看到了她，并及时把她救起。

    1963年，我逃到了香港，在那里见到了我的父亲。我们都深深地怀念着祖母。我每次梦见她，醒来都以是泪流满面。为了不吵到别人，我总是尽力克制住哭泣声，第二天醒来时，发现由于太用力地克制哭声，我的颈项扭伤得很严重。

    1963年我进入了四年级的课程学习，后又在1968年学习电子工程专业。我每天至少学习14个小时，如饥似渴地要知道这世界是怎样的。图书馆里的书，我一本接着一本地读，直到我觉得耳鸣。可是我读得越多，我的心情越差。上帝啊！还有更多的人比我更不幸。这是我的偏激想法吗？我不知道。

    我开始转向耶稣是在读了《圣经》以后。很久以前犹太人问的很多问题也是我心中的问题。这些问题就好像是回荡在几千年历史走廊里的回声。我发现我的这些问题已经存在很久了，它们可能从有了人类就开始有了。圣经所描述的我们赖以生存的世界（过去的）正如我今天所经历的一样。

    我知道自己有些偏激，或许还是一个很不幸的人。但我还是真诚地希望大家过得好。愿你们有一个美好的人生。毕竟，这是我认识耶稣的经历，靠着耶稣，我又重新拥有了生命。

    我真诚的希望你也拥有耶稣。

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

追记：

    信主之后，及至暮年, 我深深感到儿时的事（四, 五岁时）自己也有责任。从我成年到现在这三, 四十年中, 也曾见过有需要帮助的四, 五岁的孩子, 就像自己当年一样,而我却未能给与帮忙。儿时的事就怪我自己吧。不过，我也觉得有钱的人应当付多点的责任，如果不付责任的话, 他就是亏欠了。


The reason I believe in Jesus, is not based on reasoning, nor based on understanding. It is sort of emotional, sort of like a drowning person hold on to a piece of floating material.

I was born in 1948. My father was a KMT soldier, defeated and left to Hong Kong. My mother and uncle were put in jail after 1950. My grandmother took care of me in our village, but she had been through a lot of torture. The worst was to kneel down in front of a firing squad. She was not shot, but she committed suicide after that incident.

When the gun fired, the heart of my grandmother died. The world died. There is nothing anymore, except some pain which was too much for her to bear. My father just quit school and joined the army to fight Japanese. My grandmother did not even know about his joining the army, because my father did not tell her. She could not read and write.

It also happened to me. The firing bullet also killed me. My grandmother stared at me in the darkness all night long. She touched me all night long. I was 4 years of age, deeply sleeping. My grandmother did not want to leave me alone in this world. She went out to jump to the pond before dawn. Every time, when I think of this night, I cannot stop the tears in my eyes from falling, even now a 61 years old man. Thank God, someone followed her and saved her from drowning.

I escaped to Hong Kong in 1963, and met my father there. We both missed my grandmother so much. I dreamed of her, and woke up in tears. I could not make any sound because other people were sleeping. My neck hurt badly the next day because I tried too hard to hold down my crying.

Then I entered 4th grade in 1963, and Electrical Engineering in 1968. I studied at least 14 hours a day. Yet what a world this is anyway. I really want to find out. I read in Library books after books, until my ears started to ring. The more I read, the worse I feel. God, there are (were) so many people even more miserable than I am. Am I biased? I do not know.

I turned to believe in Jesus after I read the Bible. There are many questions in the Bible asked by some Jews long time ago, but these questions are also deeply existed in my heart. They are like echo ringing in a time space over 2-4 thousand years. My questions existed long time ago. They might have been there since the beginning of mankind. The Bible also describes the lives in this world exactly like what I had experienced.

I know I am biased, and I am too sad a person. Sincerely I wish you all the best. Wish you a good life. Yet this is how I found Jesus, and through Jesus, I live again.

Sincerely I hope you have Jesus too.