Shy Children: Temperment is not Destiny

Anne was one of those children who was born shy and cautious, unlike her older sister Emma, who greeted new people like long lost friends and plunged into new territory with little thought. From birth, Anne had trouble with novelty and was usually slow to warm up to new people and enter new situations. Separation from her parents or her primary caregiver at child care was difficult and almost all transitions were hard for her. Shyness is a normal personality trait and neither bad nor good. It is a human evolutionary adaptation and it can help us achieve some control in social situations. Children have genetically determined temperamental traits and the makings of personality from birth. Probably around 15 – 20 percent of children are born with a temperament that leads to behavior often labeled as shy, reserved, fearful, or timid. The temperament we are born with is an important aspect of the adults we will become but it doesn't determine our destiny. Temperament is relatively stable but does not remain unchanged; experience shapes and refines inborn traits. Nature and nurture are both important. Children like Anne who are born with a disposition toward shyness and caution can develop personalities that enable them to master new social situations and overcome any fears that might hold them back. In fact, Anne, now an adult, is at ease in a wide range of social situations and while not particularly adventurous, is willing to take risks and try new things. However, she is still mindful and cautious. Parents and caregivers can play a critical role in helping children moderate or overcome shyness and fearfulness. The key is not assuming the trait is bad, not labeling the child, and not being either overly protective or solicitous or ignoring when shyness creates difficulties for a child. Labeling a child as “shy” or treating it as an infirmity can shape the child’s destiny from a young age. The best response to help children overcome their shyness and caution is to provide measured experiences to help children gain confidence, gentle coaching, and support. Children like Anne, who tend to be cautious, shy, timid, anxious, slow to warm up, or fearful, are no less capable of success in life than children born with a temperament inclined to plunge into new situations or take risks, or children who seem to take everything in stride, adapting flexibly to what life has to offer. Shyness and having difficulty with novelty are normal — many children are born with this tendency. It does not mean that they won’t grow up to be presidents, Olympic athletes, CEOs, lawyers, rock stars, or even stand up comics or talk show hosts. What children like Anne need from us is our acceptance, patience, and support for developing the confidence and skills to master new relationships and situations. Shy children may have trouble initiating interactions and conversations. They may tend to be inhibited in social situations and meeting new people. As they get older, they often develop anxiety about fitting in and about how they appear to others. The more help they get from us in their early years, the fewer problems they will have as they face the challenges of the school years and the minefields of adolescence. Very shy school-age children really do need our help. They may not have the social skills or may have so much anxiety that they experience rejection because they really don’t fit in. They may need help learning basic social skills — even when to smile or when to begin (or end) a conversation. How parents and caregivers can help children who are shy: Recognize and value the whole child — his or strengths, feelings, and interests. Absolutely avoid negative labeling. The behavior shouldn’t define the child. Once a child bears the label “shy,” “fearful,” or “timid,” it’s hard to overcome. Some of the qualities that accompany what is thought of as shyness are very positive. Careful, mindful, or cautious are more positive terms and characteristics. Respect the child’s nervousness and anxiety as “normal,” and don’t try and minimize it or overreact to it. “Sometimes, we all feel nervous and are afraid of looking silly, not making friends, etc…” Don’t simply protect the child from new people and new situations. Instead of treating the child as fragile or vulnerable, recognize that some children just need a little more time to check out the situation from a distance and enter it at their own pace. Older children may need your help understanding what they can do to fit in. Play or role-play that serves as rehearsal can help children approach new people and situations with less anxiety. Social situations with known children and adults, extended family or friends, or in very small groups are good venues to become comfortable. Opportunities to play with younger children can help children practice their social skills. Set small, achievable goals for toddlers and preschoolers approaching new situations and help school-age children set their own goals. With acceptance, support, and gentle coaching, children born with a tendency toward shyness can succeed at anything. Children’s Books For and About Shy Children: Absolutely Lucy by Ilene Cooper Wings by Christopher Myers The Blushful Hippopotamus by Chris Raschka Shy Charles by Rosemary Wells Zucchini by Barbara Dana Nurturing the Shy Child: Practical Help for Raising Confident and Socially Skilled Kids and Teens by Barbara and Gregory Markway Web Resources There are a number of Web sites devoted to helping parents with shy children, offering a range of thinking, advice, and in some cases, services. Many parenting Web sites have information on shyness so the best advice is starting with a site you like. Two Web sites worth exploring are www.shykids.com, and for teachers, www.shakeyourshyness.com/teachingshychildren.htm.